Having earlier indicated my distaste for homophobia in football, it’s nice to see a positive statement on gay rights from a football player. Brendon Ayanbadejo (thank zombie Jesus that this is in print and I don’t have to pronounce that name) of the Baltimore Ravens has recently come out in favor of gay marriage. And, as you might imagine, the bigots are shitting themselves over it. One of them, Emmet C. Burns, is a Maryland state legislator who had his interns write to the Ravens’ home office to protest the fact that their players have opinions:
Dear Mr. [Steve] Biscotti [owner of the Ravens]:
As a Delegate to the Maryland General Assembly, and a Baltimore Ravens fan, I find it inconceivable that one of your players, Mr. Brendon Ayanbadejo, would publicly endorse Same-Sex [sic] marriage, especially as a Ravens football player.
“Inconceivable”? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Many of my constituents and your football supporters are appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team [sic] would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion one way or the other.
Yeah! Don’t you know that athletic black men are only supposed to be entertainment for stodgy old twats like me? I’m appalled that one of your players might actually be smarter than I am and speak his mind! (I find the fact that this “shut up and entertain me” crap is being spewed by Burns, who is black, even more galling. Doesn’t he recall how often this bullshit has been used to silence black people, who for the longest time could only become celebrities by going into entertainment? Has he not seen how the white bigots reacted to the 1968 Olympics “black power” salute?)
Many of your fans are opposed to such a view…
Steve Biscotti: “Sigh. We need to get smarter fans…”
…and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment and excitement.
…Unless Tim Tebow uses the sport to shamelessly promote his doofy religion while on the field. Let’s keep in mind that Ayanbadejo does the gay marriage thing on his own time. He’s not hiring gay guys to suck each other off on the 50 yard line. If you just watched the game you’d never know he was *gasp* a reasonable person, and could just pretend he’s a knuckle dragging imbecilic bigot like yourself. And you can watch big, beefy totally non-homo men slap each other on the ass, which for you is probably part of the “entertainment” package in the game.
And who made Delegate Burns the God of Football? He’s gotta have adamantium balls to write to an NFL owner and tell him how to do his job. Maybe Biscotti should start giving Burns pointers on how to draft legislation and pander to the God-humper crowd.
I believe Mr. Ayanbadejo should concentrate on football and steer clear of dividing the fan base.
Well, I believe Mr. Ayanbadejo probably doesn’t give a fuck what you think. He’s not your trained monkey. He doesn’t exist solely for your amusement. And I think you might find the fan base a little divided by your “Football players can’t say smart things” policy, too. Some people treat entertainers like human beings, after all.
I am requesting that you take the necessary action, as a National Football Franchise Owner [sic–what’s with the wonky capitalization in this letter?], to inhibit such expressions from your employees and that he be ordered to cease and desist such injurious actions.
You know you’ve got a doozy of a right wing bigot when they can cram so much stupid and evil into a single sentence.
For starters, since when is it “necessary” for an NFL team to prevent its players from making political statements? I’ve never heard of such a rule. And what’s with the sudden humility? Now he’s “requesting” something when earlier he was lecturing on what football is supposed to be all about. I thought you were God of Football! God doesn’t make requests! Don’t they keep reminding us that they’re the Ten Commandments, not the Ten Useful Suggestions?
There’s also the part where he gets a little too honest, admitting what he wants is “to inhibit such expressions”. Oops! The talking point is “Promote free speech by protecting the family and puppy dogs”, buddy. Get with the program, or we’ll send you and Clint Eastwood to Guantanamo.
And then there’s using language like “cease and desist” and “injurious”, as if Ayanbadejo were doing something illegal. And I’m sure, in Burns’ mind, it should be illegal. Because saying nice things about gay people is quite injurious to dumb bastards who hate gay people.
Burns’ interns conclude:
I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayambadejo [sic] is doing.
I already mentioned Tim Tebow, but here we come to the best part of the story. Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe (what’s with these fucking unpronounceable names? Are football jerseys made from spare Alphabet Soup?) has written an open letter to let Burns know what those other football players think, and it is glorious. Everyone should read the whole thing, but just to give a taste of its wonderment, its title is “They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster”, and it starts like this:
Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,
I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):
I’m tearing up this is so beautiful. From the parodic use of “inconceivable”, to the unrestrained contemptuous tone, to the well deserved pimp slap at the end. Chris Kluwe, you win the prestigious Wes’s Favorite Football Player of the Week award. It’s like a Heisman, except you don’t have to give it back if you’re caught cheating. And there’s no trophy. And no prestige. But there might be a handjob in it if you’re nice to me. But probably not.
There are two versions of Kluwe’s opus, a profanity-laden tirade of empyrean crassness, and a toned-down version for those who feel all poo-poo inside when somebody says fuck-words (but feel just fine when someone can’t visit their dying spouse in the hospital because they’re the same gender). I bet you can guess which one I fucking linked to. It’s recommended reading for the whole universe. Here are a few more choice nuggets:
…you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain.
…To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit….
…the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”)…
…This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom?
“Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!”
P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.
More people need to say these things whenever a bigot opens his or her mouth. If the entire world points out to them how ball-crunchingly stupid they are, maybe it will start to sink in.
On a side note, I’d just like to reiterate an earlier point I’ve made about the false stereotype that football players are stupid. I think Ayanbadejo and Kluwe are a couple of pretty smart fellows, and I’m sure they’re not alone in the NFL, or college or high school or any other level of football. (Except for the Canadian football players. You can go to hell, you stupid Snow Mexicans! Forward motion at the time of the snap? Goal posts at the front of the end zone? Come on!) As the current fiasco shows, football players are surely a hell of a lot smarter than the people that Americans choose to govern our country.
UPDATE 9/10/12: I have learned from some commenters over at Ed Brayton’s blog that this dingus Burns is also a Democrat. A Democrat! What the hell is wrong with him? Has the whole world gone completely down the rabbit hole?