Praying With Balls

As a Sooners fan, pretty much the only thing worse that seeing my team lose in the Jan. 2009 BCS  National Championship Game was having to listen to the announcers prattle on and on and on about how Tim Tebow is the absolute paragon of human virtue and how we can all but hope just to merely bask in the radiant glory of his awesomeness. Tebow is one of the most over-sold sports personalities of the last decade (I say “one of” since it’s finally dawning on people that perhaps the hagiographies of Lance Armstrong and Joe Paterno were a tad premature). And that has a lot to do with the fact that he injects his religion into absolutely everything he does, which somehow convinces a disturbingly large number of Americans that he should be taken seriously, rather than laughed out of town.

Having said this, you can imagine my disgust a couple years ago when “Tebowmania” became a buzzword in American sports journalism.  The “mania” involved a mediocre quarterback on a mediocre team barely scraping by a few wins at the last second to end with a few more wins than the mediocre team was predicted to get, while a small number of fanatical Christians proclaimed the mediocre quarterback to be the second coming of Christ. It’s mania!!! But there was another word that came from this artificially concocted phenomenon that did make me smile a bit. Other players began “Tebowing”, mocking Tebow’s ostentatious habit of praying at the end of plays, by doing it in the same way that 14-year-olds tea bag their fallen opponents in an online game of Halo.  Prayer + balls on face = funny. Well, at least to my immature mind.

But Tebow can’t leave well enough alone and just fade into obscurity where he belongs. He’s now back in the news for filing for a trademark of the term “tebowing”. (I have no idea if he’s aware of the whole balls-on-face sexual assault angle of the term.)

Dropping to a knee like Tim Tebow might cost you now.

That’s called turning the tables. Usually it’s the whore who’s on his knees. But Tim Tebow says you have to pay him for the honor of giving him a blowjob! For Jesus. I would love it if Christians had to pay a royalty to Tim Tebow every time they prayed in public. We’ll see how important prayer in the public square is to them after that.

The New York Jets’ backup quarterback is trademarking “Tebowing,” the move in which he goes down on one knee and holds a clenched fist against his forehead while praying during games.

Never mind the fact that he didn’t coin the term or realize that people were making fun of him until much later. He’s the Mighty Tim Tebow and anything with his name in it must be his property! And speaking of his awesome mightiness, I first saw this headline on the front page of SportsIllustrated.com. How many other back up quarterbacks with no sense of humor and a pathological need to proclaim their superstitions to the world make front page news?

In the seven filings, Tebow says intended uses for the word “Tebowing” are to connect it with everything from sales of hats and shirts to even toy guns and pantyhose.

Ladies, do you want a nauseatingly religious man praying in a manner that calls to mind “balls on forehead” stamped on your ass? Of course you do! Buy some Tebowing Panty Hose today and get a free “Legitimate Rape” bra, because conservative Christian men know exactly what women want.

The devout Christian says his representatives filed on his behalf not for financial gain, but “to just control how it’s used, make sure it’s used in the right way.” Tebow did say sometime down the road the money would go to his Tim Tebow Foundation.

Nope. No financial gain. That panty hose money’s going to charity “sometime down the road”. That’s the “right way”.

Well if you ask me, the right way to use Tebowing is to drop one last scrotum reference.

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