The Biblical Stupids of Stupidity

Jerry Coyne linked to a very amusing creationist piece that I can’t help but make fun of for a few minutes. The fun starts right away with the title:

What are the biblical cryptids of cryptozoology

Next week, we’ll examine other pressing, scientific questions such as “What are the biota of biology?” or “What are the chemicals of chemistry?” Oh, wait, I should also remove the question marks from those questions. That’s what all the cool creationists are doing. Who the hell wrote this shit anyways?

, Pittsburgh Creationism Examiner

Dale Stuckwish is a born-again Biblical Creationist in the Lord Jesus Christ. He loves to study the Word of God(Holy Bible). He loves also to study biology, astronomy, and zoology and how it relates to the bible. Dale resides in Pennsylvania and works in Pittsburgh as a security consultant.

Answer: A completely unqualified guy with bad grammar. In other words, he’s the ideal candidate for a proponent of creationism.

Cryptozoology which means “study of hidden animals” talks about cryptids (cryptozoology creatures) which was coined by John E. Wall of Manitoba, Canada in 1983.

What was coined by John E. Wall? Was it the term “cryptid”? Then you should say so, instead of just tacking that phrase to the end of a sentence without indicating what word it refers to. And saying that cryptozoology studies cryptids is utterly useless.  You might also want to mention the fact that it’s a fringe science that no real scientist gives a shit about. That’s kinda important, ya know.

Cryptids are creatures presumed extinct, hypothetical species or creatures known from anecdotal evidence or evidence insufficient to prove their existence.

But when has a complete lack of evidence ever deterred a creationist? Tally ho, I say! Charge forward with promulgating your beliefs, and don’t let the fact that they’re stupid and baseless give you any pause, my good sir.

Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Yeti, and Champ are just a few that are known as cryptids. But what are the biblical cryptids? These are creatures mentioned in the Bible such as behemoth, leviathan, fiery flying serpents, unicorns, satyrs, and dragons.

I would include god on that list of cryptids. He’s definitely hidden, and if the Old Testament is any indication he sure behaves like a vicious animal some times.

Behemoth is mentioned one time in the Bible, in the book of Job (Job 40:15-24). Job seen this creature when God revealed it to him.

He seen it! I swear, Cletus, he done seen it with his own three eyes! Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna go fuck my sister some more.

I’ve read Job. In the book, god forms a petty-minded bet with Satan, and then lets Satan run roughshod over Job’s life, murdering his children, destroying his fortune and afflicting him with severe illness. God chose this time to “reveal” a type of animal to him. And, in the story, Job doesn’t respond with, “Fuck a behemoth! How about not murdering my sons and daughters???” This can only mean the whole story is made up, since no human being would be interested in talking about cryptids while in that situation. But you knew that already.

Commentaries about behemoth say it probably was a hippopotamus or elephant. But there is one thing that gives this creature a different description than that of a hippopotamus or elephant, it is its tail (Job 40:17a). Behemoth had a tail that moved like a tail cedar tree in the wind. Hippos and elephants have only small tails.

Funny thing about that “tail”–scholar believe it is likely a euphemism for “penis”. Elephants and hippos have some mighty, mighty schlongs, lemme tell you. Last week, at the zoo, I saw this really hot pachyderm who gave me that “come hither” stare and… errr, wait. Just disregard that last bit.

Regardless, even if we accept the “tail” interpretation, that still doesn’t rule out elephants. Maybe he saw its trunk? Or maybe there’s another explanation: It’s all just made up. I don’t need to know what animals the Greeks saw when they talked about a minotaur and a cyclops. Not any more than I need to search for the real world Batman. It’s called make believe. Most of us over the age of 8 can distinguish it from reality.

A sauropod dinosaur such as Diplodocus would fit this description nicely.

Fucking Snuffalufagus would fit the description nicely, since it’s barely a description at all. It had a big tail? That’s what we have to go on here? This is why people don’t take this cryptozoology seriously. It’s all anecdotes and vague descriptions that could have a million different explanations. Anybody could just come up with an animal that might fit some vague description in a 2500 year old book. But that’s not how science works.

Just go to a natural history museum near you and check this dinosaur out. In Pittsburgh, the Carnegie Museum of Natural History has a Diplodocus on display.

And make sure to ignore all the facts and evidence that come with that display. Otherwise, you might wise up to the fact that this is all horseshit.

Leviathan is described in detail in the book of Job also (Job 41:1-34). This creature revealed to Job by God was a marine creature of enormous size and strength. It had strong jaws and great teeth. It was a fast swimming creature and had tough skin to protect it from being captured. Some sea creatures that fit this description are the ancient plesiosaurs, mosasaurs, and pliosaurs.

Well, I don’t see how it could possibly be a killer whale, a shark or just plain make-believe, so the only explanation is a dinosaur that went extinct over 65 million years ago.

One marine reptile that fits leviathan to a tee is the Kronosaurus. Kronosaurus which means “lizard of Kronos”.

That last sentence isn’t even a full sentence. And the word technically means “Time Lizard”. I believe there’s a Doctor Who episode about that. But those errors pale in comparison to the simple fact that the description doesn’t fit anything “to a tee,” and one thing we can be sure of was that it was NOT a Kronosaurus. Kronosaurus went extinct almost 100 million years ago. Whatever Job saw (if he even saw anything at all), it wasn’t Kronosaurus.

It was among the largest pliosaurs with a total length of 43 feet. It had a skull over 10 feet long and teeth that measured 10 inches. He was truly a jaws of the seas. He would put any great white shark to shame.

Hey, it’s not a competition! And, besides, it’s the motion in the ocean, and all that.

Fiery flying serpents are mentioned in the Old Testament of the Bible. The book of Isaiah (Isaiah 30:6) mentions the fiery flying serpent along with the lion and the viper. Herodotus, a Greek explorer described this creature also that fits a Rhamphorhynchus to a tee….

Unicorns are mentioned in the book of Job (Job 39:9-12) and other places in the Old Testament of the Bible. It is not described as a horse with one horn in the Bible. The Bible only talks about its great strength and how fearsome it was. Horses as we know it can be tamed but this creature could not be tamed. There is a dinosaur that fits the unicorn to a tee….

You and I need to have a serious talk about what “fits [it] to a tee” means. Lesson 1: It does not mean “vaguely similar so long as you ignore all the glaring differences.” And why the fuck does every unexplained animal in the Bible have to be a god damn dinosaur?

Satyrs are mentioned in the Bible (Isaiah 13:21). The translation from the Hebrew means “hairy one”.

Turns out they were just some bears hanging out at a Jerusalem gay bar. On a side note, back then twinks were called “Whatever race god told us to enslave this week.”

Greeks considered satyrs as gods of the woods and mountains.Many cultures describe hairy apelike creatures in their legends.We know and heard about the Yeti and Bigfoot legends.But could these creatures actually be satyrs that are mentioned in the Bible.

Could you please end your questions with a question mark. Thanks?

Dragons are mentioned in the Bible. The Hebrew word used in the Old Testament for dragon is tanniym which means “marine or land monster, dragon”. But could the dragon be a dinosaur.

No, it couldn’t? Seriously, man, question marks. The button is on the bottom right hand side of your keyboard. Use it.

The Bible that was translated into English in 1611 did not have the word dinosaur in it because this word was not coined until 1841. Sir Richard Owens came up with this for the huge terrible reptile fossil skeletons being unearthed. Dinosaur means “terrible lizard”. Many dragon legends around the world talk of huge reptilian creatures. China even incorporated the dragon into its calendar along with 11 other animals.

There’s more to writing than just stringing together simple declarative and interrogative sentences each relaying a single, isolated fact. I keep having to remind myself that this wasn’t written by a nine-year-old, because this kind of simplistic writing is typical in, oh, let’s say 4th grade. Those of us whose brains actually matured learned how to construct complex sentence structures and form paragraphs in which sentences are thematically linked, and ideas flow one from another. But, then, what should I expect from an author who used “to a tee” three times in three consecutive paragraphs without even bothering to understand what it means?

In the book, “Biblical Cryptozoology: Revealed Cryptids of the Bible” (ISBN: 978-1-4415-2267-2) there is chapters on these creatures and others revealed in the Bible that could be considered biblical cryptids.

I hope that book at least had an editor.

For more information on cryptozoology go http://www.icm.com or visit the International Cryptozoology Museum at 11 Avon Street, Portland, Maine 04101.

Next time I’m in Portland, I’ll be sure to visit every place in town except that.

Normally in these types of riffs I would be excoriating he publisher (in this case, examiner.com). But Examiner is already so notoriously unreliable and unreadable that I go into anything I see on their site with zero expectations. I mean, this is after all the website where an astrologer said that scientists should have talked to the Moon and asked for its permission to land a probe there. Compared to that lady, our barely literate creationist dickfuzz is almost an intellectual luminary.

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