Boy Scouts not bigoted enough for Baptists

The Boy Scouts decided to start allowing openly gay youth to join them. Welcome to the 21st century….as soon as you also lift your ban on atheists and openly gay scout leaders. But, whatever, it’s a start.

But the move toward modernity doesn’t sit well with the god-humpers at the Southern Baptist Convention, who are expected to cut ties with the Scouts over the change. Color me shocked.

For Southern Baptist pastor Tim Reed, it was Scripture versus the Scouts.

Scripture vs. Scouts is a subroutine of the Christian algorithm known as Scripture vs. Facts. I learned that in a lecture on anti-learning algorithms in my Artificial Unintelligence class at Christian State Fake University.

“God’s word explicitly says homosexuality is a choice, a sin,” said Reed, pastor of First Baptist Church of Gravel Ridge in Jacksonville, Arkansas.

Explicitly! It says it explicitly! Except for the part where it’s actually a bit muddled on the topic. Besides, it doesn’t condemn it for being a choice. It condemns it for being abomination, like shrimp or mixed fabrics. Wait, you know what that means…


God hates caridoid escape reactions!

God hates caridoid escape reactions!

Okay, enough with the shrimp-based humor. Back to the CNN article…

So when the Boy Scouts of America voted to lift its ban on openly gay youths on May 24, Reed said the church had no choice but to cut its charter with Troop 542.

So being gay is a choice. But discriminating against gays? No choice!

“It’s not a hate thing here,” Reed told CNN affiliate Fox 16. “It’s a moral stance we must take as a Southern Baptist church.”

I’m pretty sure it’s a hate thing.

The Southern Baptist Convention, the country’s largest Protestant denomination, will soon urge its 45,000 congregations and 16 million members to cut ties with the Scouts, according to church leaders.

Because feeding the hungry and clothing the naked, like Jesus said people should do, can wait. We need to address this whole “fags being treated like humans” problem, which Jesus didn’t say a word about.

“There’s a 100% chance that there will be a resolution about disaffiliation at the convention,” said Richard Land, the longtime head of the Southern Baptists’ Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, “and a 100% chance that 99% of people will vote for it.”

Extrapolating, this means that there’s a 100% chance that 99% of Baptists are assholes.

“With this policy change, the Boy Scouts’ values are contradictory to the basic values of our local churches,” Oldham said.

As all good and fair things are…

But the Rev. Derek Lappe, pastor of the Our Lady Star of the Sea Catholic Church in Bremerton, Washington, has already made up his mind.

“I do not feel that it is possible for us to live out, and to teach, the authentic truth about human sexuality within the confines of the Boy Scout’s new policy,” said Lappe.

These fucking religious shitburgers always think they have a monopoly on the truth. The whole notion of there even being an “authentic truth about human sexuality” is so absurd that there must be a porn with that title out there somewhere.

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