If only there were no more popes…

So, WingNutDaily, what do you have in store for me today? (And by “in store”, I mean an article that is actually a thinly veiled attempt to sell me something.)

WND EXCLUSIVE

Ancient ‘Prophecy of the Popes’ coming true?

Documentary explores intrigue that has lasted for centuries

That’ll do. I’m sure there’s plenty of crazy shit in this article to make fun of. Whenever WND brags of getting the scoop on some Huge Fucking Prophecy that has boggled the mind of scholars for centuries, it almost always turns out to be some obscure bullshit that they dug up and no one but them gives a shit about. This will not be an exception.

What I find especially interesting from the get-go is that this apparently wasn’t the original intended title for the article. The URL seems to show us what they really wanted to say:

http://www.wnd.com/2013/07/will-the-antichrist-be-the-pope/

That’s a bit more provocatively stupid, but might alienate some of WND’s crazed Catholic readers, so I can see why they might change it. But it’s not like WND to show restraint. Usually they try to be as provocatively stupid as possible. The fact that they apparently tried to rein this article in is a bit intriguing.

A new documentary is the first effort to take an objective look at the prophecies of a 12th century Irish Catholic saint and what they portend for the future of the Church and Pope Francis.

See that link at the beginning? It goes to the WND SuperStore where you can buy the DVD. Because WND knows that their audience is stupid enough to trust a purported movie review from a source that is actively trying to sell the movie they’re reviewing.

Next WND will be taking a totally objective look at unicorns and what they predict for the downfall of the Obama administration, please send money. Because that’s how objectivity works, right?

According to the Prophecy of the Popes, a time of vast biblical significance is now at hand.

You fucking Christians have been saying this shit for 2,000 god damn years. It’s about god damn time to put up or shut up. Jesus ape-fucking Christ, I was climbing the walls when League of Extraordinary Gentlemen shipped just one year late. Note: The “Jesus” at the beginning of that sentence was not a profanity. It’s a fucking ultimatum. Hey, Jesus. Either come back already or tell your obnoxious followers to shut the fuck up. Todd fucking MacFarlane is more punctual than you are.

“The Last Pope?” includes medieval historians, Vatican-affiliated experts and authors. From Ireland to Italy, “The Last Pope?” tells a riveting story of eschatological intrigue. The film is based on the book, “Petrus Romanus: The Final Pope is Here,” by Tom Horn and Cris Putnam.

So it’s a low rent version of The Da Vinci Code for people dumb enough to think it’s real. (Note: The Da Vinci Code is already quite low rent. A renowned scholar told me so.)

“The Last Pope?” delves deeply into the prophecies of St. Malachy, an Irish saint and archbishop of Armagh who lived from 1094 to 1148. Malachy’s “Prophesies of the Popes” is said to be based on a prophetic vision of the 112 popes following Pope Celestine II, who died in 1144.

Malachy’s prophecies, first published in 1595, culminate with the “final pope,” “Petrus Romanus,” or “Peter the Roman,” whose reign ends with the destruction of Rome and the judgment of Christ. A modern version of Malachy’s prophecies was published in 1969 by Archbishop H. E. Cardinale, the Apostolic Nuncio to Belgium and Luxembourg.

The film examines Malachy’s prophecies, which are a series of statements that purportedly provide clues as the identity of each of the 112 popes, in a critical light. Some of the statements refer to a particular town, while others make references to the coat of arms representing each pontiff.

More accurately: The prophecies are full of vague references and “symbolism” that could be interpreted 38 gajillion different ways. What matters is that we included two more links to the WND SUPERSTORE. BUY BUY BUY!!!

Skeptics have said the book is nothing more than a collection of phrases similar to the writings of Nostradamus. Putman says people have a right to be skeptical, and if Malachy’s revelations are correct, they should stand up to scrutiny using the scientific method. He goes on to say that they provide a fascinating insight into the history of the popes.

Here’s the six-step scientific method according to these people:

  1. Assume there’s such a thing as prophecy.
  2. Read obscure passage.
  3. Connect symbolically to some modern day occurrence.
  4. Prophet!
  5. Profit!

Why the fuck are we talking about scientific method regarding some specific prophecy when there isn’t a shred of scientific evidence to suggest that there is any such thing as prophecy? This is like a scientist frivolously doing experiments to see whether his DNA is enboobulated, without ever bothering to see if enboobulation is even a real thing.

“The way the scientific method works is you develop a hypothesis and you don’t try to prove a hypothesis, you try to disprove it,” Putnam said. “It’s easy to find some kind of confirming evidence if you go fishing around. In a lot of these prophecies, I think that’s a valid criticism.”

There’s a hell of a lot more to scientific method than that. For one thing, any scientific inquiry needs to be fully embedded in the context of what we already know. It needs to be not only evidence-based, but also based on and derived from other concepts which are fully evidence-based and supported by evidence.

But kudos to you for at least acknowledging the rampant confirmation bias that infects all talk of “prophecy”. I fully expect you to maintain this rational state of mind at least into the next sentence.

However, he says one pope in particular stands out in the prophecy surrounding his reign. For Pope Benedict XV, who was pontiff from 1914 to 1922, Malachy’s prophesy says “Religio Depopulata” or “religion depopulated.”

“Religion depopulated, now that is a bold prediction. With all things being equal, you wouldn’t expect religion to be depopulated,” Putnam said. “It might go up and down a little bit, the church might grow it might fall off a bit, but that is a risky position. It is easily falsifiable. If nothing happened during his reign, I would think that this prophecy would’ve been falsified, but what happens during Benedict XV’s reign?

“This was the onset of World War I, which was devastating. In the Soviet Union and Russia, we see the Bolshevik revolution. This is the beginning of militant atheism and the time that 200 million people left the church. Probably more than in any time in history, religion was depopulated, exactly when this prophecy predicted it would hundreds of years before.”

I should’ve known better. He acknowledges that all prophets do is retroactively find modern day events which sound vaguely like some abstruse passage in an old book, acknowledges that this is a valid criticism, then turns around and does the exact same thing.

What the fuck does “religion depopulated” mean? Well, it could mean zillions of different things. I hope it means “No more religion”, but I’m not naive enough to think that could happen. But it doesn’t necessarily mean the atheism of the Bolsheviks (which would have involved Orthodox rather than Catholic religion). The mass suicide of the Heaven’s Gate cult, the Holocaust of the Jews, the Jonestown mass suicide and the Branch Davidian standoff in Waco, Texas, are also examples of non-Catholic religions being depopulated. But they don’t fit with the right Pope, so they get ignored.

It’s called confirmation bias, bitch. Look it up. Hell, I already did it for you. Just click and fucking read.

While the Catholic Church has had more than 400 years to dispute the procedures, a least one pope seemed to take stock in the prophecy. Pastor Angelicus, or the “Angel Pope,” was given to describe Pius XII, who was a fierce anti-communist.

Pius XII had a documentary made about himself, which he titled “The Angel Pope.”

There’s that Christian humility we hear so much about.

“He was intimately involved in this project, and it even said how it exemplifies a day in the life of St. Malachy’s angelic shepherd in the heading,” Putnam said. “The Catholic Church has had 400 years to make a statement disputing [Malachy’s predictions], but here we have one of their infallible popes who obviously claimed it for himself. That begs an explanation from any scholar who wants to dismiss it.”

No, it doesn’t. The motherfucker called himself “The Angel Pope”. He was clearly delusional. That in and of itself means scholars are free to ignore his bullshit.

This is classic conspiracy theorist reasoning. I’m being ignored, therefore I’m important! They can’t accept the fact that Malachy was just some obscure dingbat who was lucky enough to have his drooling ramblings recorded. The fact that he’s ignored, which usually is evidence of insignificance, is taken to be evidence of his earth shattering relevance.

Conspiracy theorists and fundamentalists live in Opposite Land, where irrelevance is significance, obedience is freedom, ignorance is knowledge, and faith is reason.

Malachy’s prophecies appear to even have an eerie prediction regarding John Paul I, who was only pope for just more than a month. Describing John Paul I, Malachy says he is “of the half moon.” Interestingly, John Paul I ascended to the papacy on the day of the half moon.

We need to have a talk about what “interesting” means.

And since when are you goons into astrology? Didn’t that used to be evil devil worshiping sinful shit?

Following the death of John Paul I, evidence suggested that the pontiff may have been poisoned. The details are covered in the book “Murder in the Vatican” by Avro Manhattan. Regardless of the cause of his demise, a statement made by John Paul I seems to indicate he had some knowledge of his impending death.

Cardinal Luciani, patriarch of Venice, was asked in Latin, “Do you accept your election as Supreme Pontiff, which has been canonically carried out?” His reply was unexpected as he said, “May God forgive you for what you have done in my regard.” In just more than a month, he was dead, supposedly dying in his sleep.

Yes, that PAST TENSE sentence is a prediction of the future.

Objective scientific method, ladies and gentlemen.

While Malachy’s prophecies have been around for centuries, Pope Francis is the final pope mentioned by the archbishop. If his prophecies are correct, Francis could be the last pope before the return of Jesus Christ.

That “last pope” thing sounds nice. That “return of Christ” thing sounds fucking childish and idiotic.

Dr. George Grant, a historian and former pastor who has written more than 60 books, says regardless of whether there is any validity to the prophecies, sooner or later Pope Francis and the Vatican will have to deal with issue.

“It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true; it matters whether people think it’s true and that they act in light of it,” Grant said. “Francis and the Vatican will have to deal with this in some way, and in dealing with it they are in a sense giving credence to it. Do I think we need to pay attention to it? Absolutely.”

Fuck truth! We’re the Catholic Church!

And that’s where the article ends. Presumably they feel like they baited the hook enough and this should get their clueless, fuckbrained, rube readers to buy the DVD.

Speaking of clueless, fuckbrained rubes, WND usually has “interesting” comments on their articles. Let’s take a look at a few…

Junie32 hours ago
Pope False Prophet, anti- Messiah will be a Jew from the tribe of Judah, King Solomon is a type of Anti-Messiah. Here’s your picture of him. http://watch.pair.com/solomon….

He want be an alien. The bible gives us an example, a picture of everything. Jews will not allow anyone who is not from the tribe of Judah. Sadly they will follow hm before most people.

Nope. Fuck this. I’m done.

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2 responses to “If only there were no more popes…

  1. As excellent as that blog post was, I’m a afraid you overshadowed your own work by including the link to the Dan Brown article. Holy motherfucking living shit, that shit was hilarious, not only because of its basic nature, but because its use of superfluous details and unrelenting repetition, which was highly repetitious, reminded me to a T of John Miles’ “writing.” Classic.

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