There are crackpots, and then there are people who go far beyond crack and shatter the pot so intensely that no two molecules of pot remain connected. That latter type of crazy aptly describes Chibuihem Amalaha, who has disproven gay marriage using…magnets.
So, who is this Chibuihem Amalaha fellow?
I was the first to publish report about the 2006 total solar eclipse in the newspaper in Nigeria when I was writing for the defunct New Age newspaper. I also reported the true situation about the 2010 acid rain in Nigeria. I carried out analysis and found out that there was nothing like cancer of the skin attributed to the acid rain and by 2011, I emerged the best science reporter in Nigeria where I won Nigeria Media Merit Award in the energy category as a science editor with Compass newspapers.” He continued: “Ever since then I have been doing a lot of researches in the country. There are many discoveries and inventions I have made in science and technology. I have also been able to prove that the mathematical symbol pi which people thought of as 22 over 7 is not actually 22 over , but rather a transcendental number while 22 over 7 is a rational number. I also proved that watching television in the dark impacts negatively on one’s eyes and by God’s grace, I was the first person to use scientific instruments to prove it in the whole world. The Nigerian Television Authority (NTA) featured me on this in one of their programmes on January 12, 2013, where I demonstrated to millions of their viewers that watching television in the dark damages the eyes. Usually when it’s around 10pm, many families in Nigeria will switch off their surrounding lights to use the light from television or the light from computer alone thinking that they will see images brighter. But from experiments I found that it’s not true and experts both at the University of Lagos and elsewhere have found my work to be true. The reason for this is because there is a lot of difference in illuminants (brightness) between the television screen and the dark background in the room known as the periphery,” Amalaha said.
Yup. Sounds trustworthy. I mean, you can always trust a “scientist” who refers to lumens as “illuminants”, right? It’s like going to a dentist who calls your teeth “those bitey things.” I can’t imagine what could go wrong. (And who the fuck ever said pi was 22/7?)
Anyways, on to the scourge of gay marriage!
“A recent publication on May 3, 2013 shows that France is the 14th country in the world that have legalised gay. I asked myself why should a man be marrying a man and a woman marrying a woman, does it mean that there is no more female for a man to marry or there is no more male for a woman to marry?
If men marry men, and women marry women, then there are no more men or women; therefore, no one lives in France. Given that France has a population of something like 64,000,000, I think there might be a flaw in your logic there, Buck-O.
And recently, Britain told Nigeria to legalise gay marriage of forfeit international aid. I thank God for our lawmakers who refused to sign the bill legalising gay marriage. And so God gave me the wisdom to use science as a scientist to prove gay marriage wrong.
Science! As a scientist! She blinded me with science as a scientist! Now you cannot get gay married as a gay!
“In the area of physics, I used physics with experiments, I used chemistry with experiments, I used biology with experiments and I used mathematics to prove gay marriage wrong.
I’m getting these hilarious mental images of busy little worker bee Amalaha puttering around his lab randomly mixing chemicals and flipping switches on and off while visions of Nobel Prizes dance in his head–and everyone else in the lab just shakes their head and turns away from the pathetic spectacle.
“To start with, physics is one of the most fundamentals of all the sciences and I used two bar magnets in my research.
Gay.
A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man.
The right wing, after declaring that blastocysts and corporations are people, are now hopping on the Magnets Are People bandwagon. We’re all fucking doomed.
Even in physics when you study what is called electrostatics, you found that when you rub particles together they don’t attract each other but when you rub particle in another medium they will attract each other.
You’re invited to rub my particles, you ignorant son of a bitch.
That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong.
“Next I’ll use geology to prove that my wife is totally wrong about my impotence. Devil’s Tower, here I come!”
But in chemistry I used a simple one known as neutralisation reaction which is a reaction where an acid reacts with a base to give you salt and water. For example, when you bring surphuric acid and you reacts it with sodium hydroxide which is a base you are going to have salt and water. That tells you that the acid is a different body, the base is a different body and they will react. But if you bring an acid and you pour it on top of an acid chemistry there will be no reaction. If you bring water and pour it on top it shows that there will be no reaction. If you bring a base either sodium hydroxide and you pour it on top of a sodium hydroxide you find out that there will be reaction showing that a man on top of a man will have no reaction. A woman on top of a woman will have no reaction, that is what chemistry is showing.
I’ve seen some very compelling pornographic evidence to the contrary.
I hope this guy’s wife reads this shit. Next time she doesn’t feel like sex, rather than claiming a headache, she can just pour random chemicals together and say it proves his boner doesn’t exist.
“In biology, I used simple experiments and I came down to a lay man.
Gay.
We have seen that the female of a fowl is called hen and the male of a fowl is called a cock.
Dude, seriously, you’re making this too easy for me.
We have never seen where a cock is having sex with a cock
Yes we have, in both senses of the word.
Now if animals that are of even lower creature understand so much, how come human being made in the higher image of God that is even of higher creature will be thinking of a man having sex with another and woman having sex with another woman?
More importantly, what does this say about God?
That shows that it’s a misnomer and when you come to real biological standard, when you see a lady you love there is what is called the follicle stimulating hormone. The follicle stimulating hormone in a man triggers what is called spermatogenesis through your brain which is called hypothalamus.
Wait. You think spermatogenesis takes place in THE BRAIN? Someone’s parents never gave him “the talk”.
The sperm in the man alone doesn’t produce a child and ovary in the female alone does not produce a child, they need each other for reproduction to occur.
So fucking what? Marriage doesn’t always involve reproduction. Duh.
In mathematics which is another core area of science, I used what is called the principle of commutativity and idepotency.
You know what’s sad? There are people out there dumb enough to fall for this shit. He just throws around big, science-y sounding words that anyone with two neurons to rub together knows he doesn’t understand, but somewhere out there is someone who sees words like “spermatogenesis” and “idempotence“–errr, I mean “idepotency”–and “lumens”–errrr, I mean “illuminants”–and immediately thinks, “Ooooo, this here fella’s a smart one!”
Sigh. It makes me sad for humanity.
Commutativity in mathematics is simply the arrangement of numbers or arrangement of letters in which the way you arrange them don’t matter.
Uh…..no. There’s a bit more to it than that.
For example, if you say A + B in mathematics you are going to have B + A. For example, if I say two plus three it will give five. If I start from three, I say three plus two it also give you five showing that two plus three and three plus two are commutative because they gave the same results. That shows that A + B will give you B + A, you see that there is a change. In A + B, A started the journey while in B + A, B started the journey. If we use A as a man and use B as a woman we are going to have B + A that is woman and man showing that there is a reaction. A + B reacted, they interchanged and gave us B + A showing that commutativity obeys that a man should not marry a man and a woman should not marry a woman.
And if you let A be a shaved walrus, and B be that sinking feeling you get when you realize you’ve got diarrhea but the bathroom’s occupied, then you know that marriage can only be between utterly randomly assigned variables and anything can marry anything.
If you use idempotency, it’s a reaction in mathematics where A + A = A. Actually in abstract algebra, A + A =2A but we are less concerned with the numerical value two.
Math doesn’t have reactions. You seem to have confused it with chemistry. And addition is only idempotent for the number 0. You could have just said that. And nothing you are doing is related to abstract algebra, much less fucking gay marriage. You’re a very confused little man, aren’t you?
But in the case of idempotency A + A will give you A showing that it goes unreacted. You started with A and you meet A ,the final result is A. Showing that a man meeting a man A + A will produce a man there is no reaction, it goes unreacted and in chemical engineering you have to send the material back to the reactor for the action to be carried out again showing that it goes unreacted.
Uh, I was just joking about you confusing math and chemistry, but judging by this paragraph…you really can’t tell one from the other, can you?
“If you go on the Internet to check whether there is anybody who has used physics to prove gay marriage wrong, you find out there is none.
Can’t imagine why that might be…
“I want to be able to publish it in international journals. The finance has been a problem in this area because I found out that you you have to pay in dollars for international journals to publish you. You know finance is a factor and I don’t have money to start paying in US dollars and I need sponsors so that I can pay for the journals to be published.”
Pony up, fundies! You know you can’t get that idiotic bogus science you love so much if you don’t fork over a little dough.
“Nigerian sector does not encourage scientific research so much but what God has given me I am using it effectively to touch Nigerian nation. All the scientific researches I have been doing have not yielded any encouragement to do more.
Speaking about his ambition, Amalaha after taking a deep breath said “My ambition is to go beyond the sky. I want to reach the level God has destined me to reach. I want to be the first African to win Nobel Prize in science because as I am talking to you now African has ever won Nobel Prize in science.
I hate to break it to you, but I don’t see a Nobel in your future. A paid gig on Fox News on the other hand…
Today, I used science to prove that Amalaha is an Amalaha. I dropped a glass. By gravitationalism, it acceleratronimated to the groundination and enbrokenified. It was very stupid. Amalaha is the glass. What an idiot!
Riffing Religion 