Stay classy, Newsmax readers

Newsmax is the conservative website you go to when you aren’t quite dumb and crazy enough to go to WingNutDaily. As such, their comments sections usually aren’t quite the bottomless pits of inanity, paranoia and ignorance that we see at WND, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few doozies over there, like this one for an article on gay marriage in Utah. It only managed four comments, but together they provide an interesting microcosm of conservative archetypes, with one weird little thing missing…

GeoDude
Whatever happened to State’s Rights? Where in the US Constitution is the Federal government given the authority to regulate marriage? Finally, who appointed the Federal Judiciary as the tertiary branch of legislation?

I’m really glad I wasn’t drinking a beer when I read that last question. Never mind his fucking absurd attempt to look smart by saying “tertiary” rather than “third”.  What does this idiot think the actual third branch of government is, if not the judiciary? NASCAR? Poland? Jesus? Duck Dynasty? A horseshoe crab? I mean, given his state of mind, the possibilities really are endless.

Anyways, let me explain really quickly how this whole three branches of government (or “legislation”, or whatever) works. Congress makes legislation. The President implements and executes legislation. And the courts interpret legislation. It’s all explained in this thing called The God Damn Constitution. (Sorry, turned into Frank Miller there for a moment.)

But this guy perfectly exemplifies one thing that will almost always pop up whenever a conservative debates gay marriage. Let’s call this archetype The Chanting Chicken. They’ll say the word “constitution” like a mantra and hide behind the word so as not to have to provide an actual argument, but they have never read it and don’t have the foggiest idea what it says. GeoDude here probably thinks it’s a dinosaur pop-up book about Adam and DEFINITELY NOT STEVE.

The Chanting Chicken got a reply to his comment from another archetype, but as you might expect it failed to correct his obvious misconception about separation of powers.

California Conservative

States have no rights anymore if you ask a liberal. I argued with a liberal about states rights for a while recently and he/she couldn’t understand my “hang up” on states rights. I was shocked.

Sweet picklefuck do I feel sorry for whatever poor liberal he was arguing with. States rights don’t trump individual rights, and they don’t include the right to do something unconstitutional. Pretty fucking simple.

Let’s call this archetype The Projecting Prat. He sees all of his own worst traits in others, all with a blissful lack of self awareness. California Conservative is shocked to see someone who isn’t capable of comprehending the other side’s argument or seeing things from another point of view. It’s the personality equivalent of a dog barking at his own reflection.

Bhr
Obama has no legal right to recognize the married couples in Utah but when did the law ever get in Obamas way.

Ah, yes, the Conspiracy Cunt, or CC for those of you with delicate sensibilities (if you have delicate sensibilities, why the fuck are you reading my blog, anyways?).  The CC has a favorite scapegoat. Someone who’s responsible for everything from the economy to the weather to Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Obama’s the favorite scapegoat, of course, and the way some conservatives talk about him you’d think he had magical powers or something. I can assure you Obama did not make this decision, Bhr. Aside from nominating judges to the bench, the President has no power over the judiciary. Now go explain that to GeoDude.

Kyle
Take the D’s out of you A and maybe you guys won’t be so miserable and complain about every little thing you don’t get.

Our final archetype is the Loathsome Locutioner. And, yes, I know “Locutioner” is not a real word. But that’s kinda the point. Guys like Kyle here, well, they ain’t gonna be writing any sonnets any time soon. They use their barely-there grasp of the English language instead to hurl thoughtless hatred into any crevice of the intertoobs that contains anything they don’t like (or recognize).

Yeah, Kyle, them gays sure do have lots of butt sex, amiright? Being gay means you’re just ceaselessly assfucking all through the day. Maybe suck a little cock while you order your Big Gay Mac, get a rim job at the barber shop, then find a gay midget and mount him on your huge gay penis for the walk home. Yup. Sounds about right to me. (And of course, as we all know, straight people never put dicks in asses! Never!)

Thankfully, it seems that (slowly) slut-shaming gays into silence is more and more becoming unacceptable even within conservative circles. Hopefully shitstains like Kyle here will eventually become a thing of the past. But then, some new assholes will just take their place.

I mentioned earlier that there was one archetype curiously missing, and I’m sure you can guess what it is. The Religious Rube! Where’s the sanctimonious cockwag quoting Bible verses and lecturing everybody on what invisible beings want you to do in bed? I’m genuinely surprised none showed up to an article about the Big Evil Buttfucking Bonanza that Utah is sure to become once gay marriages resume (and they will, someday. We’ve already seen what happens when a state marriage ban goes before the Supreme Court).

Hey, Newsmax! Get your shit together! How will you ever catch up with WND in the “Who Can Spiral Down the Cognitive Toilet Fastest?” contest if you don’t have at least one of these guys in every single thread? I expect better of you.

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