Tragedy in White Suburbia

Am I reveling too much in the continued right wing meltdown following Obama’s win? Probably, but I’m gonna keep doing it anyways. Up next, the good ol’ American Thinker. Remember them? The ones repeatedly publishing op-eds predicting a Romney landslide win? Yeah, well, you can imagine they took the shattering of their illusions pretty hard.
And, oh, how they did. 🙂 Mary Durbin provides a particularly amusing reaction:

I am not ashamed to admit it: I cried the night of the election.

It’s probably time for you to start reevaluating what you are and are not ashamed of.

I cried even before the election was called, because I knew in my heart that it was over.

Well, your heart needs to have a conversation with your colleague William Gensert’s gut, which was telling him over and over that Romney was gonna win in a landslide. (Curiously, Gensert hasn’t posted a single op-ed after Nov 6.)

I cried for my country, I cried for my faith, and I cried for the loss of what I imagined would be a life free from constant worry over what the government was going to do next to reduce liberty and freedom.

1.) Your country will be fine.

2.) Your faith sucks.

3.) Really? So when a Republican is in office, you are free from constant worry about loss of liberty? Well, that explains how Bush was able to get away with so much bullshit.

This election cycle, I saw far fewer Obama bumper stickers, so during my morning-after commute it was not easy to spot the perpetrators of my despair.

But it’s pretty damn easy to spot the perpetrators of stilted language and maudlin self-pity.

I cried at work, telling coworkers it was my allergies.  This is something that is very believable in Florida.

Other things that are very believable in Florida:

  • The State Legislature collectively forgot to wear pants for two weeks before anyone noticed.
  • Jeb Bush was hospitalized after accepting a challenge that he couldn’t eat 5 gallons of expired mayonnaise.
  • A local Tea Party elected an alligator with a cross glued to it to the school board.
  • Said alligator prevented Advanced Creationism from being a required course in Florida public schools by eating the other school board members.
  • Said alligator was then shot. Not because he ate the school board, but because the shooter thought that having scales and walking on all fours were popular in African American fashion.
  • A landslide popular vote mandated that a fence be built on the border with the Gulf of Mexico.
  • None of these voters noticed when said fence was never built, but $10 million was somehow spent on it anyways.

Honestly, the best thing I can say about Florida is “It ain’t Texas.”

But then I started noticing something.  The other night, I picked up dinner at one of the many roadside barbeque stands that permeate the part of Tampa where I live.  The owner seemed positive and upbeat.  I thought, “Does he not know how hard it is going to be to expand his business?  Does he understand how difficult the government is going to make it for him to keep on smoking all those chickens and ribs and mullet?”  (Remember, this is Florida.)

I thought Florida was known for another kind of mullet, one which I would gladly ban.

But, I don’t really have a leg to stand on here. I’m from Oklahoma, where it is common to find–I shit you not–Barbecue Bologna. Compared to that, barbecue mullet doesn’t have shit on the WTF-o-meter.

I went to the supermarket, and my favorites cashier waved hello and said, “How are you doing, sweetheart?”  Again, I asked myself, “Doesn’t she know what is going to happen to her health care?”

So you at least noticed that the election of Obama hasn’t immediately transformed your dull, homogenous suburban lifestyle into a dystopian hellscape. I guess that’s progress.

I went to a meeting last weekend at a hotel near the airport.  When I walked in, I saw the lobby full of guests whom I easily identified, thanks to my near-obsession with TV bridal reality shows, as members of wedding parties.  As they were all dashing off to make last-minute preparations, I thought, “There are still weddings?  These people must have faith in the future if they still want to get married…right?”

We still have reality TV and marital frivolities! Obama can’t take that away! Unless the gays destroy marriage AND reality TV!

After my meeting, I went to a nearby mall.  When I walked in, I saw that the Christmas decorations were already up.  I am one of those people who find Christmas decorations in early November an abomination and disrespectful to the next holiday in line, Thanksgiving…but this time, I found it comforting to see Santa Claus (the real one — not the government-issued one) sitting in his overstuffed chair, waiting for the youngest among us to make their special requests.

No need to worry. Overthrowing Thanksgiving was a preemptive move in the War on Christmas. Christmas joining homosexuality in the Abomination Club was just an unfortunate bit of collateral damage. Luckily, the Real Santa Claus survived, just to insure that the suburbs are still tolerably monotonous and superficial for you shallow-minded soccer moms.

So to paraphrase Dr. Seuss and the Grinch, the election didn’t stop Christmas from coming.  It’s coming.

“Paraphrase” doesn’t mean “Say something that has nothing to do with and doesn’t even make sense.”

I went to the food court and saw a long line at Chick-fil-A.  I joined it.  As usual, I received great service.  The young man waiting on me was from the demographic that has been so constantly scrutinized of late.  I said to myself, “Please , please don’t grow up to be a Democrat.”  Hopefully he will learn, if he hasn’t already, that working hard and doing a good job are the true ways to success.

Yeah, that menial job at Chick-fil-A certainly has him going places. I’m sure he’s mighty happy to be serving self-centered bitches like you who support policies that will make it very difficult for him to do anything more with his life. That’s the American Dream, after all: Working your ass off for minimum wage so that privileged suburbanites who don’t give a fuck about you can rest easy knowing that their mass produced chicken sandwiches are preventing gays from experiencing the marital bliss they watch on reality TV.

While I ate my lunch, I noticed the family sitting at the table next to me.  There was a little girl who seemed utterly enthralled with the dollar bill she was holding.  I guessed that she hadn’t yet realized how little it buys today!  She was showing it off to her family and kept reading aloud the words “The United States of America.”

Ah, yes. It’s so quaintly beautiful to see those first, innocent buds of greed and jingoism before they’re old enough to understand inflation.

Of course, I started to cry again (I need to buy stock in Kimberly-Clark).

The image of a Republican soccer mom weeping silently over her fag-hating sandwich in a dull, lifeless suburban food court is the kind of thing that gives me hope in this world.

And then, finally, I remembered something.  I remembered that despite everything, we Americans are a strong people, and we will find ways to get on with our lives.  Life may not be the life many us wanted or voted for on November 6, 2012, but life will go on.

You put us through 8 years of Bush. You get no fucking sympathy from me.

“Life will go on.” Jesus titty-motor-boating Christ. Yes, Mary Durbin, you can still eat cheap sandwiches in a food court in suburban Tampa. You can still watch TV. You can still look at Christmas decorations at the mall. You can still live your dull, pointless, myopic existence without a hint of self-awareness. Despite all the scare-mongering and demagoguery that your sponge-like micro-brain absorbs on a regular basis, it remains true that middle class, straight, Christian, Southern suburbanites like you are the people least likely to have their daily lives altered by anything Obama does. I realize that processing cognitive dissonance is difficult for people like you, but think about this: You are at least partially aware of the fact that your daily life will go on mostly unchanged with Obama as President. But you oppose Obama because his policies might make life easier for people who are different from you–namely, poor people and gays. And helping poor people and gays might mean that millionaires (not you) have to pay slightly more taxes–not enough to make them no longer millionaires, but more than they want to. And WHO exactly is telling you that you should oppose Obama because he’s going to destroy your treasured Christmas decorations and chicken sandwiches? The ones he clearly has NOT destroyed?

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Thinking it doesn’t make it so

When a publication has the balls to call itself “The American Thinker”, one is entirely warranted to approach its material with certain expectations. Its material should be well written, erudite, and thought provoking. Its claims should be properly cited. It should choose journalists based on their expertise in the field under discussion. An educated person should find the articles contained within challenging and enlightening. It’s The American Thinker, not CNN or Fox News after all. It should rise above.

Nope.

It’s garbage. And let me be clear. There’s a difference between attacking mostly respectable publications for publishing trash, and what I’m doing here. I have earlier disparaged the Chronicle of Higher Education, but The American Thinker (TAT) is on a completely different level. The CHE does sometimes publish good stuff. TAT is just pure bullshit. My attacks on CHE are just for certain shoddy articles by a particular person. TAT is a collection of deluded wingnuts that publishes only garbage. And William L. Gensert is a prime example of what’s wrong.

If anything, the closer we get to Election Day, the more apparent it is that Obama is not only losing, but losing big.  The Obama campaign, and by “campaign” I mean members of the media and polling organizations, is trying to convince prospective Romney voters to believe that all is lost — in which case, they hope, we will stay home.

But just because they say so, that doesn’t make it true.

But when you say so, it does make it true? How exactly are you in a better position to predict an Obama loss than the people who are polling American voters?

Everyone knew from the outset that Obama, with his sad record of continuous failure on almost every front, was going to air out his inner bitterness and envy, and campaign negatively.

Everyone knew that! Everyone knew that the pathetic, horrible Obama would rely on negative campaigning to prop up his awful, terrible, unamerican, evil, communist, freedom-hating administration. Only baby-raping ungodly monsters who fail at life would ever engage in negative campaigning. And if Romney wins, all these negative terms will disappear from my rhetoric, proving that it’s Obama who’s running the negative campaign.

But did anyone suspect that his sole hope for victory would rest on trying to suppress the vote of his opponent with naked media bias and polling — most of which assumes a higher Democrat turnout than in 2008, when the electorate, many Republicans included, swallowed whole Obama’s vision of “hope and change”?

The polls don’t actually assume that. And when it comes to voter suppression, the Republicans pretty much have that covered.

Well, three and a half years later, the digestion of that particular meal has given America and Americans an ulcer — a bleeding ulcer.  I can attest to that — every time I see the man or hear him speak, it makes me sick to my stomach.

America and Americans think you’re an idiot. I can attest to that because I feel sick in my tummy when I hear someone say you’re not an idiot.

Please explain to me why my reasoning differs from yours.

It is ludicrous to maintain that Obama, a curiously small giant of humanity, is ahead anywhere in this nation by 10%.

Ludicrous, I tell you! All the polling organizations have is the polls they conducted with thousands of Americans. That’s nothing–NOTHING!– compared to the icky-poo feelings I have in my tummy when I hear that black guy talk. Case closed! My poopy feelings are what really matter! Now give me a juice box and something shiny to play with!

The recent meme of the inevitability of Barack Obama is merely the delusional desperation of sycophantic minions.  What else do they have?  What else can they say?

They could just insist that their guy will win because thinking otherwise makes them feel gassy and whiny. Just a suggestion.

The polls allege Obama is ahead by 10% in Ohio (or should I use the Hawaiian spelling, “Oiho”) — a mining state — where part of the economy depends on King Coal and the money it brings in.  This is the man who, through his agents at the EPA, has singlehandedly destroyed the coal industry in America.

Obama won Ohio by almost 5% in 2008, despite the fact that his current platform is even less liberal than his 2008 platform. And one thing you’re ignoring–a lot of those coal mine workers are union members.

Regardless, you aren’t offering any contradictory data at all. You’re basically just pointing out the fact that the reality contradicts your ideological presumptions, then concluding that reality must be wrong. I see a bright future in the Republican party for you.

He is said to be ahead by 12% in Pennsylvania — also a mining state, and home of the Marcellus Shale natural gas field.  Yet even the uninformed know that under Barack Obama there will be no drilling for oil, mining coal, or building nuclear power plants.  And probably in a second term, the EPA will shut down fracking, which means no natural gas either.

Yeah…he’s way ahead.

Ha! Stupid pollsters asking real Americans in Pennsylvania what they actually think! They should ask my dumb ass what I think! Obama can’t be leading in PA if my shallow understanding of economics won’t let him!

In Florida, he is leading by 9%.  It is beyond belief that the state, with its large population of seniors and Jews, is going to vote overwhelmingly for the man whose signature legislation, ObamaCare, decimates Medicare and who has marginalized and insulted Israel repeatedly during his entire term.  Remember, he had time for Whoopi, but not for Netanyahu.

But it’s totally believable that elderly Jews in Florida would support Paul Ryan’s plan to gut Medicare over Obama’s plan which actually expands Medicare.

And let’s not forget that Florida is a state with no state income tax.  In fact, many people move there for that reason — how do you think they got Lebron?

They got Lebron through Lebron behaving like a total asshole.

I don’t think Florida wants to be known as the Asshole Magnet of America, but that’s where they’re going if we follow this reasoning.

Yet we are supposed to believe they will vote for the man who gave us 20 new taxes through Obamacare and plans to raise taxes all around?  And if you don’t think his proposed one-year extension for most of the Bush tax cuts, set to expire January 1, 2013, is not a plan to let all tax rates rise a year later, you haven’t been paying attention.

Yeah…he’s going to win big there.

Again, Obama doesn’t fit my childish preconceptions, so of course he can’t win. You seem to be determined to make this case without even the possibility of empirical evidence ever being part of the discussion. Where exactly do you get to the part where I shouldn’t pay attention to the polls? Where do you provide any actual argument for why the polls are flawed? At what point is the title “American Thinker” justified?

The truth is plain to see.  Obama is not going to pick up any new voters with his record of economic destruction and the misery he has foisted upon the electorate.  He will bleed support as his base withers away in the harsh glare of the Obama reality.

“Plain to see” in this case means “Existing entirely within my own feeble mind”.

Take his vote total from 2008 and subtract out some portion of the voters who bought the dream but lived the nightmare.

Then, subtract out some portion of the youth vote, who have discovered that hope means no jobs and student loans they can’t pay, while change means whatever coins they can find underneath the cushions of their mother’s sofa — in whose house they are relegated to live because of poor prospects and lack of opportunity.

Remove the women who don’t agree with abortion on demand and contraceptives for all — free and clear.

Remove the Catholics and other religious “folks” (a favorite Obama term) for the same reason, in addition to his assault on religious freedom, support of same-sex marriage, and antipathy for insulting the prophet of Islam, while accepting any slight on the Judeo-Christian American tradition.

Merely using words like “subtract” and “addition” does not make your unsupported speculation into math.

…Oh my goodness, did I just hurt the feelings of Muslims by not capitalizing “prophet”?  I anxiously await the knock on the door from the Obama secret police.

A visit from the “Obama secret police” is about as likely as a visit from your god.

Remove the sensible, who recognize Obama’s impotence in the face of Iran’s steady march toward acquiring a nuclear weapon.  After all, we have nothing to fear from Iran, a nation whose leaders continuously call for the destruction of Israel and America.

Yeah, it’s the “sensible” who believe that the guy who took out Osama bin Laden and Moammar Gaddafi is soft on terrorism.

In addition, many blacks, who have suffered most under this man’s policies, will not be there for him this time around.  They may not vote against him — racial solidarity, and all that — but many will certainly stay home.

Stupid is so much more annoying when it’s condescending.

With that in mind, can anyone say there is the same level of electoral enthusiasm for the president as there was in 2008?

Of course not. But your guy Romney is a big part of why. How do I know there’s little enthusiasm towards him? Well, one piece of evidence is the fact that in your 1200 word article about how he’s gonna win so easily, you only mention his name a grand total of 3 times. But the name Obama occurs 21 times. In fact, you’re not saying anything about Romney winning. Rather, all you care about is Obama losing. And you’re certainly not the only dingleberry on the right who’s approaching the election this way. And let’s not forget that earlier you accused Obama of running a negative campaign.

The once unstoppable Obama movement has constipated to a halt.  He was once a god, and now he is man — a nasty, unsuccessful man, who blames everyone and everything for his serial failures.

The psychological projection is strong with this one.

Obama is going to lose in a landslide.  And Barack Obama, the media, and the polling organizations will be appropriately shocked.

Shocked, I say!

I say! Appropriately so!

I think I’ve figured out why this publication calls itself The American Thinker. The writers at TAT seem to be under the impression that if they think it, it’s true. Mounds of meticulously collected data from polls don’t mean jack shit if William S. Gensert thinks differently. In his mind, he knows exactly what coal miners in Ohio and Pennsylvania and black people all over the country are thinking and feeling. So there’s no need to actually ask them about it! Women and blacks and blue collar workers won’t support Obama because Gensert won’t, and Romney will win because wishful thinking dictates that it be so. Welcome to Right Wing La La Land.

Might Romney actually win? I dunno, maybe. I hope not, but I also guess it’s not impossible. But you’d have to have your head in the sand to believe that Obama doesn’t have the advantage right now. The truth is that Gensert and his other delusional colleagues on the right are not Thanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet. They can’t just warp reality to their liking merely by unthinking it. And thank non-existent god for that.