Tragedy in White Suburbia

Am I reveling too much in the continued right wing meltdown following Obama’s win? Probably, but I’m gonna keep doing it anyways. Up next, the good ol’ American Thinker. Remember them? The ones repeatedly publishing op-eds predicting a Romney landslide win? Yeah, well, you can imagine they took the shattering of their illusions pretty hard.
And, oh, how they did. 🙂 Mary Durbin provides a particularly amusing reaction:

I am not ashamed to admit it: I cried the night of the election.

It’s probably time for you to start reevaluating what you are and are not ashamed of.

I cried even before the election was called, because I knew in my heart that it was over.

Well, your heart needs to have a conversation with your colleague William Gensert’s gut, which was telling him over and over that Romney was gonna win in a landslide. (Curiously, Gensert hasn’t posted a single op-ed after Nov 6.)

I cried for my country, I cried for my faith, and I cried for the loss of what I imagined would be a life free from constant worry over what the government was going to do next to reduce liberty and freedom.

1.) Your country will be fine.

2.) Your faith sucks.

3.) Really? So when a Republican is in office, you are free from constant worry about loss of liberty? Well, that explains how Bush was able to get away with so much bullshit.

This election cycle, I saw far fewer Obama bumper stickers, so during my morning-after commute it was not easy to spot the perpetrators of my despair.

But it’s pretty damn easy to spot the perpetrators of stilted language and maudlin self-pity.

I cried at work, telling coworkers it was my allergies.  This is something that is very believable in Florida.

Other things that are very believable in Florida:

  • The State Legislature collectively forgot to wear pants for two weeks before anyone noticed.
  • Jeb Bush was hospitalized after accepting a challenge that he couldn’t eat 5 gallons of expired mayonnaise.
  • A local Tea Party elected an alligator with a cross glued to it to the school board.
  • Said alligator prevented Advanced Creationism from being a required course in Florida public schools by eating the other school board members.
  • Said alligator was then shot. Not because he ate the school board, but because the shooter thought that having scales and walking on all fours were popular in African American fashion.
  • A landslide popular vote mandated that a fence be built on the border with the Gulf of Mexico.
  • None of these voters noticed when said fence was never built, but $10 million was somehow spent on it anyways.

Honestly, the best thing I can say about Florida is “It ain’t Texas.”

But then I started noticing something.  The other night, I picked up dinner at one of the many roadside barbeque stands that permeate the part of Tampa where I live.  The owner seemed positive and upbeat.  I thought, “Does he not know how hard it is going to be to expand his business?  Does he understand how difficult the government is going to make it for him to keep on smoking all those chickens and ribs and mullet?”  (Remember, this is Florida.)

I thought Florida was known for another kind of mullet, one which I would gladly ban.

But, I don’t really have a leg to stand on here. I’m from Oklahoma, where it is common to find–I shit you not–Barbecue Bologna. Compared to that, barbecue mullet doesn’t have shit on the WTF-o-meter.

I went to the supermarket, and my favorites cashier waved hello and said, “How are you doing, sweetheart?”  Again, I asked myself, “Doesn’t she know what is going to happen to her health care?”

So you at least noticed that the election of Obama hasn’t immediately transformed your dull, homogenous suburban lifestyle into a dystopian hellscape. I guess that’s progress.

I went to a meeting last weekend at a hotel near the airport.  When I walked in, I saw the lobby full of guests whom I easily identified, thanks to my near-obsession with TV bridal reality shows, as members of wedding parties.  As they were all dashing off to make last-minute preparations, I thought, “There are still weddings?  These people must have faith in the future if they still want to get married…right?”

We still have reality TV and marital frivolities! Obama can’t take that away! Unless the gays destroy marriage AND reality TV!

After my meeting, I went to a nearby mall.  When I walked in, I saw that the Christmas decorations were already up.  I am one of those people who find Christmas decorations in early November an abomination and disrespectful to the next holiday in line, Thanksgiving…but this time, I found it comforting to see Santa Claus (the real one — not the government-issued one) sitting in his overstuffed chair, waiting for the youngest among us to make their special requests.

No need to worry. Overthrowing Thanksgiving was a preemptive move in the War on Christmas. Christmas joining homosexuality in the Abomination Club was just an unfortunate bit of collateral damage. Luckily, the Real Santa Claus survived, just to insure that the suburbs are still tolerably monotonous and superficial for you shallow-minded soccer moms.

So to paraphrase Dr. Seuss and the Grinch, the election didn’t stop Christmas from coming.  It’s coming.

“Paraphrase” doesn’t mean “Say something that has nothing to do with and doesn’t even make sense.”

I went to the food court and saw a long line at Chick-fil-A.  I joined it.  As usual, I received great service.  The young man waiting on me was from the demographic that has been so constantly scrutinized of late.  I said to myself, “Please , please don’t grow up to be a Democrat.”  Hopefully he will learn, if he hasn’t already, that working hard and doing a good job are the true ways to success.

Yeah, that menial job at Chick-fil-A certainly has him going places. I’m sure he’s mighty happy to be serving self-centered bitches like you who support policies that will make it very difficult for him to do anything more with his life. That’s the American Dream, after all: Working your ass off for minimum wage so that privileged suburbanites who don’t give a fuck about you can rest easy knowing that their mass produced chicken sandwiches are preventing gays from experiencing the marital bliss they watch on reality TV.

While I ate my lunch, I noticed the family sitting at the table next to me.  There was a little girl who seemed utterly enthralled with the dollar bill she was holding.  I guessed that she hadn’t yet realized how little it buys today!  She was showing it off to her family and kept reading aloud the words “The United States of America.”

Ah, yes. It’s so quaintly beautiful to see those first, innocent buds of greed and jingoism before they’re old enough to understand inflation.

Of course, I started to cry again (I need to buy stock in Kimberly-Clark).

The image of a Republican soccer mom weeping silently over her fag-hating sandwich in a dull, lifeless suburban food court is the kind of thing that gives me hope in this world.

And then, finally, I remembered something.  I remembered that despite everything, we Americans are a strong people, and we will find ways to get on with our lives.  Life may not be the life many us wanted or voted for on November 6, 2012, but life will go on.

You put us through 8 years of Bush. You get no fucking sympathy from me.

“Life will go on.” Jesus titty-motor-boating Christ. Yes, Mary Durbin, you can still eat cheap sandwiches in a food court in suburban Tampa. You can still watch TV. You can still look at Christmas decorations at the mall. You can still live your dull, pointless, myopic existence without a hint of self-awareness. Despite all the scare-mongering and demagoguery that your sponge-like micro-brain absorbs on a regular basis, it remains true that middle class, straight, Christian, Southern suburbanites like you are the people least likely to have their daily lives altered by anything Obama does. I realize that processing cognitive dissonance is difficult for people like you, but think about this: You are at least partially aware of the fact that your daily life will go on mostly unchanged with Obama as President. But you oppose Obama because his policies might make life easier for people who are different from you–namely, poor people and gays. And helping poor people and gays might mean that millionaires (not you) have to pay slightly more taxes–not enough to make them no longer millionaires, but more than they want to. And WHO exactly is telling you that you should oppose Obama because he’s going to destroy your treasured Christmas decorations and chicken sandwiches? The ones he clearly has NOT destroyed?

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*Head Explodes*

With gay marriage passing in Maryland and Maine, and weed legalization passing in Colorado and Washington, this was a great election if you like drugs and dick. I’m not into either, but I support people’s right to do them if they want, so I was excited about this. The weed thing really surprised me–I never thought it would pass. Plus, the Democrats managed to keep control of the Senate and prevented Rapey McGee and Rapey McGoo in Missouri and Indiana from reaching it. So that’s awesome. Oh, and something or other about the White House happened. Yawn.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad Obama won. But I find it difficult to get excited about him. He’s a moderate democrat masquerading as a conservative democrat who knows how to add nice touches of rhetorical flourish to his speeches but not how to follow through on his promises.  But one thing I was looking forward to was watching the right wing’s many bloated heads explode when he won a second term. And Joseph Farah of WingNutDaily handed me a healthy dose of schadenfreude with this headline:

America pronounces judgment on itself

*Kablooey!* Little bits of Farah head smear the walls, and I laugh my ass off.

I feel like this title was intended to be read ominously through a booming megaphone with Carmina Burana playing in the background. Fire and brimstone rain down on gay weddings in legal marijuana stores. Black people have buttsex with terrorists for affordable healthcare in the streets while the Four Horsemen read Karl Marx and eat arugula. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.

And the amusing hyperbole continues in the article itself.

For many of us, the unthinkable has happened.

I felt the same way when the Thunder traded James Harden away. You know what? I got over it. But the conservative “traditional values” crowd aren’t exactly known for getting over things. Hell, they’ve still got their panties in a wad over losing the Civil War.

And in what universe was this outcome “unthinkable”? Obama lead through most of the campaign, and most experts picked him to win. You may not like it, but you should have seen it coming. Oh, wait, that’s right. Those are “facts” I’m referring to. I apologize. I forgot about your fact allergies.

In sum, lots of things are unthinkable when you don’t think.

America has decisively turned the corner away from the constitutional principles of limited government and self-government with the re-election of Barack Obama.

And by “limited government and self-government” we mean ” don’t stick your dick in a butt.”

There may be no way home for us.

Boo hoo hoo! You lost. Someone has to lose every election. Deal with it. Seriously, what a fucking crybaby.

We have allowed our fellow Americans to pronounce judgment on the nation.

That’s what Obama represents to me – God’s judgment on a people who have turned away from Him and His ways and from everything for which our founders sacrificed their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor.

Farah is so flabbergasted by things not going his way that the only explanation he can come up with that seems to fit the momentousness of his not getting his way is that an omnipotent being must be punishing millions of people for the horrible crimes of not fag-punching and giving medicine to poor people.

This does shed some light on what he meant by “unthinkable” earlier on. So enamored is he with his own delusional worldview that the thought of it failing is simply unfathomable. His little lizard brain just can’t process the cognitive dissonance.

The nation is divided like never before – intentionally so.

I hate it when people say this bullshit. So are we more divided now than we were during the Civil Fucking War? And not even just that. Are we more divided now than we were during the Vietnam War and the struggle for black civil rights? Are we more divided now than back when thousands of black people were being lynched and black churches full of children were being bombed by white terrorists? Are we more divided than we were in 1920 when the debate over women’s suffrage was raging?

It’s become a common trope amongst those who follow politics but don’t think about politics that our nation lacks “civility”, and that politics used to be so “civil” back in some fantasy past, but now we’re “divided” and the “tone” of politics today is just too “strident” and “negative”.  Bullshit. American politics was never civil. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this way back in the 1830s, and discusses the vociferousness of American political debate at length in Democracy in America.

We’re not divided like never before. We’re doing what we’ve always done, such as call the President a Marxist Terrorist Communist Atheist Muslim Usurper from Kenya who hates America and wants to kill your grandmother. Normal politics, actually.

That has been Obama’s game plan from the beginning – to build a constituency of special-interest groups that truly believe their salvation is found in bigger government, more programs, irresponsible spending and unconstitutional policies.

Religious right groups are interest groups too, you stupid fuck. This would be like if the coach of the Charlotte Bobcats said that the reason they suck is because of Teams. If it weren’t for all the dirty, filthy Teams ruining the NBA, the Bobcats would be on top and make basketball the way it used to be back in the past, the way Naismith intended it to be. Stupid teams.

This election could very well represent the beginning of the end of the American Dream, American exceptionalism, the American way.

The American dream and the American way never existed to begin with, and American exceptionalism can fuck itself with a live badger for all I care.

But it’s no time to give up – to throw up our hands in disgust and walk away from politics. Neither is it time to surrender to the radical social agenda Obama has championed to win his victory.

It’s time to change tactics.

Change tactics? You mean, like, stop demonizing minorities, stop lying about science, stop inventing fake history about the Founding Fathers, stop using other people’s rights as wedge issues, stop attacking women’s rights, stop spreading lunacy about your invisible friend, stop trying to start war after war just to sate your lust for the blood of brown skinned people?

It’s time to raise our collective voices of outrage.

Voicing outrage is all you people do. What would the religious right have to live for if not outrage? I was honestly beginning to believe that outrage was some kind of currency among you people.

But, at the end of the day, people generally get the kind of government they deserve.

No. Not true. Nobody deserved George W. Bush. Nobody. Not even Texas. I wouldn’t even wish him on Canada.

I’m not going to lie to you.

LOL.

The America haters are running the country for another four years.

Well, the ones who insist that they’re the real America lovers really fucked the country up between 2000 and 2008, so I’ll take my chances with the haters.

Most of all, it’s time for collective repentance.

Only a miracle can save us – and we need to humble ourselves before God and pray hard for one.

Maybe god could give us one of those miracles from the Bible that proves he’s so All-Powerful. Like fish-multiplication. If he turned a small number of fish into a large number of fish, that would prove that he’s got power over THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE and save America. At least, that plan makes more sense than how he chose to “save” us.

Can we find our way home? Is the political system even viable for us anymore? Has our heritage of representative government been permanently robbed from us?

For guys like Farah, a government isn’t representative unless it represents the right people. Obama won the election and takes office supported by the majority of Americans? Screw that! Democracy isn’t about the people voting for the candidate they want to represent them. It’s about someone who agrees with me fucking over people I don’t like.

And don’t think I don’t smell the “second amendment remedies” lurking in a god-humper who asks “Is the political system even viable for us anymore?” We all know what that means.

But we must not retreat. We must not hide. We must not be intimidated. We must not stop fighting for truth, justice and the American way.

Okay, that last bit convinces me that Farah wrote this while wearing his Superman undies and cape while crying over a sad little peanut butter sandwich that his mom cut the crusts off of for him. His mom wipes crumbs off of his hideous mustache and assures him, “There there, dear. Don’t you worry about those mean old rational people. You’re still mommy’s little boy! Now, go harass a fag or two and you’ll feel all better.”

Maybe we deserve this punishment for taking our lifestyles for granted. Maybe we deserve this judgment for our own individual and collective sins. Maybe there’s still time to turn things around because we serve a Creator of second and third chances.

Since when does eternal punishment involve second chances?

Whatever. The article ends with one more blob of the inert jelly that passes for brains in Farah’s head splattering against the wall:

One thing is for certain: Our national condition is going to get much worse before it gets better.

Not as long as I have you around for entertainment, Joey boy. As long as the Democrats keep winning and you keep melting down, I’m a happy man indeed.