Comic Relief: The Girl Who Loved Stupidity (part 1)

Welcome to Comic Relief #5. To see the previous installments, go to the Comic Relief Index. ūüôā

This time we’re going to take a brief detour. There are several more Lady Satan comics to talk about, but I’ll get to those later. For now, I want to talk about another, rather different comic. There are times when you come across a comic, and as you read it you can’t help but giggle like a school girl at the thought that this comic actually exists and was written unironically. This is one of those times.

Today’s comic was published in 1973 by Spire Christian Comics. That right there should be a clue about how fucking ludicrous it’s going to be. It was intended to convert readers to Christianity. But like most Christian propaganda, it actually couldn’t possibly appeal to anyone who hadn’t already swallowed the Bible pill whole. While it purports to be converting non-Christians, it actually could do nothing more than simply reinforce what Christians already believe. And, unintentionally, be a perfect crystalization of everything that is absurd, appalling, authoritarian, ignorant and simpleminded about conservative Christian beliefs.

You wonder why I would divert myself from Lady Satan, a character I love, to talk about some other comic? Well, you will wonder no more once you see the cover of today’s unholy clusterfuck of a comic.

Buffy went DARK.

Buffy went DARK.

Hansi: The Girl Who Loved the Swastika. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Bear in mind, this comic is nothing but unreflective pro-American and anti-German (and anti-Russian) propaganda. It came out almost 30 years after the war ended. And yet, that cover looks like it could have easily been seen on news stands in Berlin in 1942. We’ve got a beautiful young Aryan-looking girl with (count ’em) eleven swastikas forming a fucking halo around her head as proud German soldiers stand behind her adoring Adolf Hitler, who is right in the line of her blissful, enraptured sight. This comic will attempt (and, disturbingly, fail) to convince us of how evil the Nazis were, but you would never guess that from the cover.

And if you think that this must have been produced by some lonely hack making insane comics with crayons and used toilet paper in his mother’s basement, please allow the advert on the next page to disabuse you of this notion.

If your idea of an exciting comic is something called God is... or Noah's Ark, then you should probably just give up. On everything.

If your idea of an exciting comic is something called “God is…” or “The Gospel Blimp”, then you should probably just give up. On everything.

Do any of those titles stand out to you? And, no, I’m not talking about The Gospel Blimp. Of course I’m referring to all the Archie titles on the list. These were in fact licensed by Archie Comics, as the creator of Spire Christian Comics was a writer at Archie and had enough power and influence that he could actually convince the company to let him publish his own Archie Comics under his own company’s name. Imagine Marvel or DC letting some other company publish Spider-Man or Superman comics under their own imprint, and for an explicitly ideological purpose. How much influence would you have to have to convince them to do that?

Fucking. Scary.

Our story follows Hansi, an adorable little pug-nosed teenage girl who lives in rural Czechoslovakia during the period where the Germans invaded and overran the country. In the very first panel we get a taste of just what kind of character we’re gonna be following.

This is the kind of thing that fish think when they see strings.

This is the kind of thing that fish think when they see strings.

Yep. She’s a fucking moron. And her stupidity only increases as the comic progresses.

But don’t hold that against her. Stupidity is her virtue. This is a Christian comic, after all.

"Well, that and father's porn stash. What's a 'blumpkin'?"

“Well, that and father’s porn stash. What’s a ‘blumpkin’?”

Books are eeeeeevil. Note that this comic at no point mentions the fact that the Nazis banned and destroyed numerous books, including works on Darwinism. That fact is just a wee bit inconvenient for Spire Christian Comics.

Hansi, though, has found her dream. Reading her Nazi books, she hopes to ascend up the Nazi ranks and become a Hitler-endorsed Nazi youth leader. Hey, it worked for Pope Palpatine. (Until he pulled a Sarah Palin and quit his job, that is.) Eventually, her dream is realized, and she is awarded a place in a prestigious Nazi school in Prague, an event which alarms her know-nothing mother.

Maybe if you'd let your daughter read something other than the fucking Bible, she wouldn't have grown up to be such a gullible nitwit.

Maybe if you’d let your daughter read something other than the fucking Bible, she wouldn’t have grown up to be such a gullible nitwit.

Nope. I’m gonna say this right now. The best thing you can do is forget Jesus. Failure to do so might result in you producing something like this comic, and we just can’t have that.

Hansi goes off to her new Nazi school, which is in a large estate near Prague. On the doorstep, she meets another student, and we get one of the few acknowledgements of the Holocaust that this comic ever makes.

The juxtaposition of Mein Kampf and the Bible actually does make sense, but not for the reasons the author intended.

The juxtaposition of Mein Kampf and the Bible actually does make sense, but not for the reasons the author intended.

Please, allow me to quote directly from Hitler’s Mein Kampf:

“Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.”

“His [the Jewish person’s] life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took to the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In retum, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties ‚ÄĒ and this against their own nation.”

Hitler was Christian. He claimed killing Jews was what Jeebus wanted. It’s right there in the quotes.

But that doesn’t stop certain fundamentalists in America from constantly haranguing us with the false notion that he was an atheist. This is part of a broader pattern of their behavior in which everyone they dislike is associated with everything that’s bad, and everything they like is associated with everything that’s good. Atheists are child-molesting immoral Nazi Muslims while Christians are wholesome, virtuous American patriots. (Oh, and science is evil.) This comic will not provide any counterexamples to this frequently observed fundamentalist prejudice. Throughout the whole thing it’s America good, Other Countries bad. Jesus good, science and learning bad. Christians good, hippies bad. (Yes, we’ll encounter hippies later.)

Hansi joins the Hitler Youth, and page 5 gives us this image:

The Germany of tomorrow is...Czeckoslovakia?

The Germany of tomorrow is…Czechoslovakia?

That’s 22 swastikas in one panel. In fact, counting the cover, there have been 58 swastikas in this comic so far, and we’re only on page 5! We’re averaging over 11 swastikas per page. Just in case you ever forget that this story is set in Nazi-occupied territory, the artist will smear swastikas all over every nook and orifice of every god damn page to remind you. Leni Riefenstahl would think they’re overdoing it with all the swastikas.

This is the comic that loved the swastika.

Our swasti-comic continues with Hansi relishing her new life as a little Nazi Barbie. Basically it consists of people complaining about how conditions are deteriorating under German rule, and Hansi countering by regurgitating something about how much she loves Hitler and Nazis and Germany. Wash, rinse, repeat. She has completely drunk the Nazi Kool Aid, and can think of nothing other than how much she loves Hitler. Seriously, I would think she just wants to fuck Hitler, except for the fact that quite suddenly she apparently has a boyfriend. He comes out of nowhere, his name is Rudy, and he’s serving on a German submarine. Hansi communicates with him via letters.

Rudy proposes, she accepts, but his parents refuse to allow it because they are rich and Hansi is just a peasant girl. This is some real Romeo and Juliet shit going on here…if Romeo and Juliet were badly written Christian propaganda. Hansi decides she doesn’t want to tear Rudy’s family apart, so she leaves him and joins back up with the hair-helmeted girl from the Hitler Youth, who’s boyfriend is still away on duty.

Rrrraaaarrrrr!!!

Rrrraaaarrrrr!!!

That’s Hansi, just regurgitating what this author would have us believe is what the Nazis believed. No thought. No reflection. Just angry reaction. Fucking idiot.

And really? All the soldiers want is Bibles? Food or medicine or, for that matter, porn aren’t on the list, too? This is the kind of cheesy glurge that some fundamentalists just gobble up. It’s the kind of stuff that gets passed around in viral emails full of apocryphal stories that people who rarely engage their brains like to get all mushy about. And this comic is more than happy to keep shoveling it up.

"Fuck. All I got was a bunch of 'begats'." "Me too. This Bible shit sucks." "Same here. Hey, Fritz, got any more Playboys that don't have the pages stuck together?"

“Fuck. All I got was a bunch of ‘begats’.”
“Me too. This Bible shit sucks.”
“Same here. Hey, Fritz, got any more Playboys that don’t have the pages stuck together?”

Note how when they want to portray Christian soldiers in the Nazi army, suddenly those ubiquitous swastikas are nowhere to be seen.

The war is drawing to a close, and the Russians are advancing on Czechoslovakia. Rudy tries to convince Hansi to flee the country with him, but our cute-as-a-button-on-a-kitten-snuggling-with-a-baby little moron protagonist won’t hear of it. She insists on staying in Prague and supporting the Nazis to the end. This brings us to my favorite single panel in the whole comic.

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Bwahahahahahahaha!I

It’s about time someone pointed out what a fucking imbecile she is. This was starting to turn into one of those comics where one character is completely fucktarded in every way imaginable and yet somehow no one seems to notice. Good for you, Rudy. I’m on your side now. But please don’t make me regret saying that in the very next panel…

He's like the Czech Mel Gibson.

He’s like the Czech Mel Gibson.

What the fuck??? God fucking damn it, Rudy. Yeah, she’s an idiot, but rape threats are a bit of an overreaction, dontcha think?

And when the hell did this comic get so dark? Yeah, it’s about Nazis and all. But for ten pages up to this point, it’s just been about a blonde girl who mindlessly parrots Nazi gibberish and hates the Bible. You know, fun light-hearted stuff. Now all the sudden we’ve got her boyfriend saying he hopes she gets raped by Russians!

What fucking weirdo shit is next?

You just know one of those Russian rapist guys was Vladmir Putin. Would that even surprise you in the slightest?

You just know one of those Russian rapist guys was Vladmir Putin. Would that even surprise you in the slightest?

She actually gets fucking raped??? Rudy, you have the most heinous fucking jinx-powers in the universe. Remind me never, ever to have a beer with you if I’m ever in Prague.

So, yeah, gang rape. That’s where we are right now. Hansi boards a train, gets captured by Russians, taken to a labor camp, and is subject to nightly gang rapes.

Except for one thing. After the scene above, we see all the women crying, and one of them says, “You’re lucky you’re skinny, Hansi! They don’t want you!” That’s right, the comic immediately pusses out and assures us she wasn’t actually raped, because she’s…skinny? Since when did that ever stop a rapist? I guess Russian rapists like big girls. Because they are from Russia! Where the men are Men! And the women are Men!

Well, no. The actual reason they don’t have her get raped is because they just didn’t want their protagonist to get raped right after her boyfriend told her to go get raped to teach her a lesson. Hey, writers, can I give you a hint? If you don’t want your main character to get raped, don’t write your story this way!

Oh, and this might also be a good time to mention that, if Wikipedia is correct, this story was written by a fucking woman. Un-fucking-believable.

All the rape and mayhem makes our protagonist decide that she and Hair Helmet need to escape. And so they do. It’s just that easy. They crawl under the barbed wire and GTFO.

For now, we’ll leave it at that. This post is getting long, and I’m not even halfway through the comic yet. It’s just that there’s so much insane and disturbing shit in this comic that I feel the need to comment on almost every single panel in detail. For now let’s sum up the first 12 pages like this: Nazis were Christian whether this comic likes it or not; Hansi’s a nincompoop; Rudy’s a fucking asshole; Russians are rapists; and this comic blows my fucking cock like no other.

I’ll be back in a few days with part 2! ūüôā

UPDATE (7/10/13): For Part 2, click here.

Comic Relief Index

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This page is just an index of all the Comic Relief entries so far. I’ll update it whenever I add more.

1. Sexy Satanic Golden Age Goodness (Lady Satan, part 1)

2. More Satan! (Lady Satan, part 2)

3. Satan Returns! (Lady Satan, part 3a)

4. De-Satanized! (Lady Satan, part 3b)

5. The Girl Who Loved Stupidity (Part 1)

6. The Girl Who Loved Stupidity (Part 2)

7. Satan’s Back, Bitches! (Lady Satan, part 4)

8. Lady Satan vs. Aunt May (Lady Satan, part 5)

9. Double De-Satanized! (Lady Satan, part 5b)

Comic Relief: De-Satanized!

Welcome to part 4 of Comic Relief. To see the full series, go to the Comic Relief Index.

I mentioned in the previous installment of Comic Relief that the third appearance of Lady Satan (in Red Seal Comics #17 in 1945) was reprinted in Weird Horrors #1 in 1952. But I must admit, at the time I had only casually glanced at Weird Horrors #1, and had not read it. But now, having read it, I realize that it wasn’t merely reprinted, but actually drastically reworked into a very different story, with completely new dialogue and whole panels removed or added. So the question becomes, is it an improvement? Another way to phrase this might be, would you ever expect the kind of hack writer who takes a seven year old story and pastes his own new dialogue over it to improve anything?

Let’s take a look and find out!

It's deja vu all over again!

It’s deja vu all over again!

Well, it’s mostly like the original. They removed Lady Satan’s domino mask, and changed Underbite’s hair to white and pants to brown, but other than that it’s the same image…except….

Wait! “The Werewolves Howl”? It’s called Lady Fucking Satan, not The Werewolves Howl! What the fuck?

If someone is a nurse, then they can't be ignorant. That's a...strange epistemology.

If someone is a nurse, then they can’t be ignorant. That’s a…strange epistemology.

“Josephine LeBlanc”? That’s bullshit! Her name is motherfucking Lady Satan.

And she lives in New Orleans now? If that were the case, then the animal in question wouldn’t be called a “werewolf”. It’d be called a Loup-garou or Rougarou. Get your Cajun lycanthropy facts right! Just talk to someone from New Orleans. It’s not that hard.

Anyways, like the original story, this one begins with Lady Sa—-errrm, Josephine LeBlanc driving through the middle of nowhere and stumbling upon some lost children. The dialogue is changed to offer additional (and unnecessary) exposition, but it’s pretty similar to what we got in the original story, with one glaring exception. The children automatically know who “Nurse LeBlanc” is. In fact, everyone in this story seems to know who she is. Do nurses ever gain that level of celebrity and/or notoriety?

Are you gonna do this "ye" and "shall" thing through the whole comic? Yes? Fuck.

Are you gonna do this “ye” and “shall” thing through the whole comic? Yes? Fuck.

This is something you come across often if you read Golden Age comics: Captions that explain what you’re looking at in the panel. It’s annoying, but it’s something you get used to. The practice continued into the Silver Age, and even some modern day writers of the hackier persuasion do it.

But, please, comic book writers, don’t do this. Let your artist’s images speak for themselves. If you feel like you must offer additional explanation, then either A) the art sucks and lacks clarity, or B) you’re just pasting unnecessary verbiage on the page.

Also, I can’t help but notice those trees in the background. This is supposed to be New Orleans, right? Well, I lived in New Orleans for a while, and most of the trees have Spanish moss growing on them, so I can’t help but notice its absence in the background. This story is set in New Orleans in name only, isn’t it? Yes, indeed, as later there’s a scene set in the “bayou”, and yet not a single Cypress knee is visible. This is what happens when you take a story set in a generic setting and shoehorn it into a specific setting.

Anyways, the story proceeds mostly like the original, except that Josephine LeBlanc lacks the magical powers that Lady Satan suddenly obtained in the original, meaning that everything that happens is more boring. For instance, in the original Lady Satan repels the werewolves with Xanda Power. I have no idea what Xanda Power is, but it sounds cool. In this one?

I hope you also brought your Shark Repellant Bat-Spray.

I hope you also brought your Shark Repellent Bat-Spray.

*Yawn.* It would’ve been more interesting if she had actually gotten rabies.

And of course the Creepiest Panel Ever makes a reappearance, but with more dialogue than in the original.

Aaaaugh! Not again!

Aaaaugh! Not again!

How the fuck does everyone just know who Nurse LeBlanc is? And why would a nurse be dressed with a red cape?

And why does the author of this piece of shit think you can improve a story simply by throwing in more dialogue? In almost every panel of the reprint, the gross amount of dialogue has been increased. This is not how good writing works.

Anyways, so Not-Titty Satan follows the car again, it goes over the bridge again, and she has to rescue the children again, and she tracks him back to his lair again. Only with no magic involved. Boring.

But wait, you ask. In the original, Lady Satan vanquished Master Werewolf with magical finger fire. How will non-powered Josephine LeBlanc accomplish this? Well, see for yourself…

The comic repeated refers to him kidnapping 3 children, but they only ever show 2. I guess math is just yet another thing this comic utterly fails at.

The comic repeatedly refers to him kidnapping 3 children, but they only ever show 2. I guess math is just yet another thing this comic utterly fails at.

Um, what? Is it ether, or Vapor of the Vampires? Is it both? Why does it kill him? Why does it come in that weird looking flask? And why does it completely annihilate his corpse? Why is the complete lack of evidence a running theme in this story? Why does he think she drowned, when earlier on an inserted panel showed him clearly see her with her head above water? How does she know that werewolves are allergic to ether? Is this just common knowledge among nurses in New Orleans? How does she know to go to the old plantation? Why the fuck was it so important to set all this shit in New Orleans?

Ugh. I’m wasting my time asking all these questions. The ultimate answer to all of it is, “Because they took a Lady Satan comic and sucked all the life out of it.” The original was campy good fun, the remake was just plain dull. Kinda like the relationship between the original Total Recall and its shitty remake. And I can’t help but wonder if they didn’t change her name because in 1952 they were afraid to call a hero “Satan”.

Fuck you, 1952.

Comic Relief: Satan Returns!

Hey, let’s talk some more about Lady Satan, my favorite Golden Age superheroine. If you haven’t seen them already, be sure to check out the first two installments of Comic Relief:

Part 1.

Part 2.

Not that you need a lot of background for continuity. Without any explanation, Lady Satan is now a very different comic. Envaginated Satan appeared only in reprints in 1942-1944, but original Lady Satan stories started appearing again in Red Seal Comics #17, which hit stands in 1945. And here’s the first image we see of her:

Good thing I brought my Bat-Snausages to pacify them!

Good thing I brought my Bat-Snausages to pacify them!

Lady Satan is now a horror comic! Seems more appropriate to the name, at least.

The re-tooling is understandable. The war was over, so she could only keep fighting Nazis if she were very…confused. What to do? Completely revamp the character, that’s what!

And it was pretty common in the Golden Age for characters to be completely retooled without any explanation in order to follow the latest trends. One of my favorites is Moon Girl. When superheroes fell out of popularity in the late 40s, she was retooled as a crime comic (in title, at least) called Moon Girl Fights Crime (with beautiful artwork by Sheldon Moldoff). I say in title only because it was actually a horror comic with werewolves and mermaids and implied lesbianism* and shit. And when crime and horror comics fell victim to public moral panic, she was retooled again as a romance comic called–get this–A Moon, A Girl…Romance! Greatest. Name change. Ever.

So, anyways, let’s get back to the actual topic of this post. What’s Satan With Tits doing these days?

Oh god, she's evangelizing to unbelievers! Truly this is a horror comic!

Oh god, she’s evangelizing to unbelievers! Truly this is a horror comic!

Wait….what? She has magical fucking superpowers now? When did that happen? I… I’m confused. Which is actually a very normal feeling when reading any kind of comics. Compared to, say, the Clone Saga, Titty Devil suddenly getting magical powers isn’t really that baffling. If you really want a brainfuck, try spending 10 seconds figuring out just what Judas Traveler was all about. It will implode your mind, man.

So, anyways, our story begins with Lady Satan, in costume, driving down a dark, lonely road. Because, I guess she does that a lot. I heard Aquaman spends his nights sitting alone on the subway gently weeping about how everyone thinks he’s useless.

Along the way she finds some lost children and offers to take them home. But then…

She will be in my power! No one can resist my underbite!

She will be in my power! No one can resist my underbite!

Duhn duhn duuuuuuuhn!

She’s spotted by a guy who looks like the kind of mutant you’d get if Shaggy and Scooby ever fucked and had some kind of demon spawn. He’s a master of werewolves, and he’s our villain for this epic adventure. He turns the children into werewolves and sics them on Lady Satan.

Maybe we can stop for some ice cream and -- WHY!! Then later we could watch a ballgame to -- WHEN!! Sorry, I have a rare disorder called Interrogative Tourette's Syndrome.

Maybe we can stop for some ice cream and — WHY!! Then later we could watch a ballgame to — WHEN!! Sorry, I have a rare disorder called Interrogative Tourette’s Syndrome. WHERE!!

Boo yah! Wolves up your ass, bitch. And unfortunately for you, not one of them is that big hunky Jacob kid from Twilight. He’s not actually a wolf. He’s a totally different kind of animal.

The fight doesn’t last long, and not because in 1945 “three” somehow rhymes with “die”. From under her robe, Lady Satan produces the XANDA POWER which drives the wolves away. What’s the Xanda Power you ask? Does it involve having Xander Harris show up and distract the wolves by getting himself captured? Nope. The comic doesn’t bother to explain it. Oh well.

Underbite gets away with his wolves, but Lady Satan vows to save the captured wolf children. And she knows just how to track them.

Dark people who must obey? Maybe they should call her Lady Uncomfortable Insinuations...

Dark people who must obey? Maybe they should call her Lady Uncomfortable Insinuations…

So after her black slaves (there’s really no other way to think about it) lead her to Shag-a-Scoob, we get what the UN has officially declared to be the creepiest panel in this comic.

Oh, god, what's in that background kid's mouth???

Oh, god, what’s in that background kid’s mouth???

Wait a minute. Earlier they were trying to convert unbelievers. Now they’re molesting kids.

The werewolves are Catholic! That’s the worst kind of werewolf, even worse than the Mormon werewolves in Twilight!

Okay, yeah, this panel is super creepy. But it’s also one of the most interesting panels in the story. It reveals that this story is actually a metaphor for the harm done by child abuse and the dangers of people who prey on children. Think about it. The man lures children in with false promises. Makes them his slaves to do his bidding. And then turns them into monsters, representing the fact that abused children are more likely to abuse children themselves when they grow up. Lady Satan even later says, “The fiend was feeding them something that placed them in his power,” representing the fact that child molesters like Jerry Sandusky lure children with gifts, but that what they really want is power over them because they get off on it.

Holy shit. This thing actually has a serious, important message to tell. I never expected that.

Anyways, we get a few panels of a chase scene until Master Underbite figures out a great plan to shake Vagisil Demon off his tail: He drives his car off a bridge!¬† No, really, that’s what he does. Somehow, it works, as he leaves the scene thinking Lady Satan is dead (bad guys really need to check for a body before jumping to conclusions), and Lady Satan stays behind to rescue the children trapped in the sinking car.

Yes, rats often get trapped in cars that went off a bridge into a river after a child molester lured them there. Trapped just like rats!

Yes, rats often get trapped in cars that went off a bridge into a river after a child molester lured them there. Trapped just like rats!

What? Why? Really, why can’t you take up more than one child at a time? Who made this rule? Other than to create false tension, why would this be necessary?

Whatever. Now Lady Satan has a problem. Underbite (they never actually gave this motherfucker a name) has gone back to his hideout, and she no longer has her ni–uh, Shadow People to track him. (There seems to be a rule in this comic that each spell can be used only once, even if there are other times when it would also be useful.) What does she do?

Hark! I hear needlessly antiquated language!

Hark! I hear needlessly antiquated language!

Wait, so this guy was so wet that he left a trail of wet footprints for miles while walking back home? What is he, fucking SpongeBob SquarePants?

As you might expect, she defeats Underbite and frees the children he captured. We end with this:

Yes, I, who just a few pages ago said I call myself Lady Satan because I use black magic, will put an end to your devil magic! For I am a big fat hypocrite! Bwahahahaha!

Yes, I, who just a few pages ago said I call myself Lady Satan because I use black magic, will put an end to your devil magic! For I am a big fat hypocrite! Bwahahahaha!

And she just burns him up with finger fire. Why the fuck didn’t she do that earlier? Would’ve saved her a lot of time. Just sayin’.

The comic ends by finally giving this guy a name–Master Werewolf. Really put a lot of creativity into that one, didn’t you? At least it’s not Master Baites. Sucks to be him.

It’s a good little comic, worth checking out. You can get it over at the Digital Comics Museum if you’re curious. As you’ve probably noticed, the scan isn’t very good. A lot of the pages are tilted, which sucks. But it’s still worth a read. There’s a reprint of this story in Weird Horrors #1 from 1952. It’s a better scan, but unfortunately this time the printing was bad and the colors are faded and not always straight. Poor Lady Satan just can’t catch a break.

Good bye, and as always, Hail Satan!

_____________________________

* Seriously. Look at the last panel on these pages and tell me she’s not in ecstasy while humping a mermaid. And check out that werewolf’s face on the bottom of the second page. The latter has nothing to do with lesbians. Just wanted to point out that Moldoff could draw the fuck out of a werewolf.

Oh, and how the fuck is she talking underwater???

Comic Relief: More Satan!

I think I’m gonna start talking more about comics on this blog. Why? ‘Cause I feel like it, that’s why. So let’s revisit my favorite female superhero of the Golden Age, Lady Motherfuckin’ Satan. (To see my first post on Lady Satan, click here.)

When we last left Lady Satan, her fiance was murdered (and literally all we know about him was that he was her fiance and he was murdered) and this inspired Lady Satan to go to Nazi-occupied France and fight the Fritz.  That was Dynamic Comics #2, and her only other appearance in that book was in Dynamic Comics #3, which hit stands in February of 1942.

When you open the issue to the first page, you’re assaulted with a rather unpleasant image…

lady satan 4

How about you St. Pat my balls?

He is said to have wasted 100 years expending his energies on empty religious ceremonialism rather than doing things that actually matter.

Luckily, this useless old geezer only takes up one page, and we get some Lady Satan awesomeness starting on page 26.

Dead Nazis are always a good way to start out.

Dead Nazis are always a good way to start out.

That is so fucking awesome. I really dig the smoke through the skull image. And now we’ve got some real Inglorious Basterds style bloody Nazi killings. No more of that pansy-ass “chlorine” gun she used last issue.

There’s a problem, however, with the scan of this issue that I got from Digital Comics Museum. You can probably tell from the image above that the physical copy from which it was scanned was in pretty bad shape. There are holes in the pages, and the colors are faded. Here’s a closer look:

Holy fuck, there's a tear in space-time! Someone call Dr. Who!

Holy fuck, there’s a tear in space-time! Someone call Dr. Who!

There’s also this problem:

Maybe it's just REALLY badly applied make-up?

Maybe it’s just REALLY badly applied make-up?

The printer fucked up with the color plates, and they’re all offset. It looks like shit.

If you read enough Golden Age comics, you’ll come across this problem from time to time. Standards were low back then, and it wasn’t uncommon for printers to make major errors in producing a book, then just say “Fuck it! Put it on the shelves anyways! It’s not like we’ll have a legacy or anything in the future.” So, yeah, a lot of Golden Age comic books with really shitty quality out there.

Lucky for us, this story was reprinted in Bull’s Eye Comics #11 in 1944. And this time, Lady Satan even made the cover:

ver of a children's magazine in 1944. Oh how times have change...

You could put this on the cover of a children’s magazine in 1944. Oh how times have change…

Fuck yeah! Let’s get started.

Our story has a bit of a confusing beginning. We’re at a house in… somewhere. France maybe? It looks like a rather American house. And Lady Satan is in a car with somebody named Kurt…

"It's not Lady Lady. It's Lady Satan! Get it right, bitch!"

“It’s not Lady Lady. It’s Lady Satan! Get it right, bitch!”

Seriously, your password for secret information in this war-torn, Nazi-ruled nation is “My baby is sick”? You’re not at all worried about accidentally giving up that you’re a secret British spy to someone who just happens to have a sick baby?

And who the fuck is Kurt? And where is he? In the car? Can he hear this conversation? And why is he addressing her as “Lady Satan” when she’s not in disguise?

So many questions. But some of them are in fact answered in later pages. Kurt is a devoted Nazi soldier. Lady Satan is undercover, pretending to date him–or that he’s her “escort”; the comic implies both. He calls her “Lady Satan”. Would you date someone if the only name they gave you was “Satan”? Well, I guess he’s a Nazi and all…

Lady Satan’s sick-baby courier informs her that the Nazis are having some kind of big ass meeting today, and Lady Satan needs to find out what the fuck is going down. (I’m paraphrasing.) It doesn’t take long. After merely prodding her escort/boyfriend about whether he has another girl, Kurt shows us what kind of man he is.

Oh, and I wet the bed at night.  Damn it! Shut up, Kurt. You'll never get laid this way.

Oh, and I wet the bed at night. Damn it! Shut up, Kurt. You’ll never get laid this way.

Kurt, you fucking dumbshit. No wonder the Nazi’s lost.

Lady Satan pretends not to care about such things to throw Kurt off her scent, but decides that she must attend this meeting to break up the Nazi plan to kill the leaders of the free world. So she follows Kurt.

It's so secret that I hope there isn't someone obviously listening as we loudly discuss it outside.

It’s so secret that I hope there isn’t someone obviously listening in as we loudly discuss it outside.

Empowered with this knowledge, Lady Satan sneaks in and incapacitates the guard in one of the best single panels in the book.

Well, it was the most silent weapon before that whole "AAAAGGGHH!" thing.

Well, it was the most silent weapon before that whole “AAAAGGGHH!” thing.

God, I love the look on that guy’s face. He almost seems to be looking at the reader to ask, “Can you believe this shit?”

Lady Satan hides along with the supposedly garroted guard to listen in to the meeting as the Nazi leaders enter. They notice that the guard is missing, but have their totally secret meeting anyways. How the hell did these guys even manage to last all the way up to 1945? Anyways, it turns out that Winston Churchill and Franklin Delano Roosevelt are going to have a secret meeting on a ship in the middle of the Atlantic (Why not in D.C., where it’s safe?), and the Nazis want a volunteer to go on a suicide mission to assassinate them. Kurt, brain trust that he is, volunteers. He is told that he will be disguised as none other than Charles de Gaulle in order to infiltrate the Allied meeting.

Unfortunately…

Lady Satan, you suck at strangling people.

Lady Satan, you suck at strangling people.

Oh, fuck! She’s busted!

The Nazis find her behind the curtain and converge on her. She draws her gun, and in the lone moment of competency in his life, Kurt disarms her. Running out of options and capture looking eminent, she…

"Can't believe I dated that crazy bitch."

“Can’t believe I dated that crazy bitch.”

…Kills herself?

Shit, that was over quickly. They leave her alone so that the incompetent guard she strangled earlier can bury her. He buries her. The end.

Just kidding. It was a rubber knife full of fake blood. No one even checks her body. Nazis are morons. Especially Kurt.

But now she has to catch up with the nefarious Kurt de Gaulle, who’s heading out into the Atlantic in a plane with French markings, before he can kill Roosevelt and Churchill. Lady Satan hijacks a Nazi plane (where did she get these ace piloting skills?) and pursues. She finally catches up to Krazy Kurt as they approach the American and British ships. But then…

Oh, so we're shooting the Nazis now? Gee, I've only been here for 14 months. Thanks for telling me how to do my job, Lance.

Oh, so we’re shooting the Nazis now? Gee, I’ve only been here for 14 months. Thanks for telling me how to do my job, Lance.

Lady Satan is shot down by the most FAAAABULOUS pair of shirtless Navy hunks this side of a Village People reunion (and with a giant cannon-boner between them). But merely being shot out of the sky won’t stop her! She is fucking Satan after all! She’s pulled from the water by some sailors who attempt to arrest her, but she pulls a gun and forces them to take her to the ship where Kurt the Kraut Frog will attempt the assassination.

"I'm sure the Nazis sent me on this mission that I'm certain not to survive because they really value my quick wit and consummate skills."

“I’m sure the Nazis sent me on this mission that I’m certain not to survive because they really value my quick thinking and impeccable observation skills.”

Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. You still haven’t put two and two together yet, have you?

Well, it’s too late. Before Kurt the Sausage-sucking Surrender-Monkey can shoot Churchill and Roosevelt, Lady Satan comes up and literally stabs him in the back. Alas, their love was not to be. Kurt’s last words were, “They have rightly named you…Lady Satan…AAAAGGHH!” Should’ve thought of that earlier, Kurt. Now you’re Nazi shishkabob.

And the comic ends with Churchill and Roosevelt, two of the greatest leaders the free world has ever seen, giving thanks to Satan.

You can't see it in the panel, but Churchill is double-fisting martinis and FDR is getting a handy."

You can’t see it in the panel, but Churchill is double-fisting martinis and FDR is getting a handy.

God, I love this comic.

Anyways, go to the Digital Comic Museum and pick this one up. It is free and in the public domain, after all. And as always, Hail Satan!

Comic Relief: Sexy Satanic Golden Age Goodness

I saw over at Atop the Fourth Wall, a site everyone should check out, Linkara has a post about a kick ass Golden Age comic book hero called Tomboy. I enjoy reading those old Golden Age comic books from time to time, and thought I’d share one of my personal favorites. It’s not just that she kicks ass, it’s also that our hero’s name is totally blasphemous. You could never give a superhero a name like this in the later Silver Age, when the censorious Comics Code Authority completely neutered the entire industry.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

"Why, no, my dear. I'm not evil. Whatever would make you say that?"

“Why, no, my dear. I’m not evil. Whatever would make you say that? Is it the monocle? The martini? The arched eyebrow? Or the gang sign I’m flashing?”

Yes, that’s right. LADY FUCKING SATAN.

Lady Satan, who debuted in Dynamic Comics #2 in 1941, interests me for several reasons.

  1. She’s motherfucking Satan. (But not really. It’s just a name.)
  2. She debuted a month before Wonder Woman, whom people often mistakenly believe is the first female superhero. (She’s not. Not even close.)*
  3. She doesn’t have any superpowers, and has to use her wits to fight crime. But then suddenly she has superpowers in a later issue without any explanation. Let’s just say that continuity wasn’t on anyone’s mind back in the Golden Age.
  4. People in the comic rarely remark on the fact that she named herself after FUCKING SATAN. You’d think that would be the first question out of anyone’s mouth.

So, what made Lady Satan decide to give up her normal life and become a Nazi-killing fallen angel? You’d think one would need a compelling reason to start calling oneself “Satan”…

"Trust me, I'm very sad about this. Can't you see it on my face, or did the artist fuck me up again?"

“Trust me, I’m very sad about this. Can’t you see it on my face, or did the artist fuck me up again?”

That’s all the origin you get, folks. Three panels. In the Golden Age they were nothing if not concise.

And if you thought Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru had it bad in Star Wars, check out poor Nameless Fiance here. He is never mentioned again. Hell, he only gets the one line, and we never even see the sonofabitch’s face. In fact, that one panel of wrathful vow is all the grief over his death we get, as the very next panel makes quite clear.

"Perhaps Madame Satan would like the flowers drizzled with the blood of virgins?"

“Perhaps Madame Satan would like the flowers drizzled with the blood of virgins?”

This comic doesn’t fuck around. Boyfriend dead? Moving on! Time to fight Monocled Nazi Lex Luther.

From here the story follows her as she manipulates the Nazis into leading her to the location of their plans for a sub-detector, which she hopes to deliver to the British. (Remember, America wasn’t at war yet at the time this came out.) Monocled Nazi Lex Luther (a.k.a Captain Fritz–I don’t know why they didn’t just go all the way and call him Major Sausage-Chomper) is quite shocked by this turn of events when Lady Satan’s plot is apparently foiled…

"I should really stop trusting people who hide their identities and name themselves after the Prince of Lies..."

“I should really stop trusting people who hide their identities and name themselves after the Prince of Lies…”

But of course, Lady Satan’s not dead! She gets the plans from them after incapacitating the Nazis (with non-lethal force–she’s not THAT satanic, you know). The British get the Nazi’s submarine plans, and everyone lives satanically ever after.

"HAIL SATAN!"

“HAIL SATAN!”

Seriously. This comic ends with a big joyful “Thank you, Satan!” You know what that is? It’s fucking awesome. That’s what it is.

(Also, why is the Air Ministry in charge of breaking a U-Boat blockade? And what exactly is “a much”?)

It’s actually a pretty standard story, but definitely worth checking out. It’s in the public domain, and can be found at the Digital Comic Museum. Go read the comic, and Hail Satan! ūüėÄ

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* DC frequently plays along with this misconception, even though Wonder Woman isn’t even the oldest female superhero in their own roster. Phantom Lady and Bulletgirl both appeared before Wonder Woman (who hit the stands in Dec 1941, in an issue dated Jan 1942–Lady Satan hit the stands in Nov 1941 in an issue dated Dec 1941).

Not only were there literally dozens of female superheroes before Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman wasn’t even the first female patriotic superhero. She was preceded by at least 5 female superhero patriots: USA, Miss America, Miss Victory, Pat Patriot and War Nurse.

Wikipedia claims that Fantomah, who debuted in Feb 1940, is the first female superhero, but this is wrong, too. The oldest female superhero I know of is Ritty, who at 6 inches tall fought crime alongside her equally diminutive boyfriend Minimidget. Both debuted together in Sep 1939, just a few months after Batman.

None of this should be taken as me dissing Wondie.  I like her as a superhero, and I think the stuff Bryan Azzarello is writing for her right now is fantastic. I just hate that DC sometimes represent themselves as being the first when it comes to giving women representation among superheroes, when nothing could be further from the truth.