Couldn’t have said it better myself

More good news: Minnesota is set to become the 12th state to legalize gay marriage. We got the bigots on the run, people. And their own words about this issue indict them more than anything I could say about the issue.

Republican fucknut legislator Dan Hall of Minnesota wants the world to know what a hateful shit-biscuit he is. In doing so, he reveals the authoritarian fundamentalist mindset that all freedom-loving people are up against:

“Forcing others to give you your rights will never end well,” said Sen. Dan Hall, a Republican and a pastor. “It won’t give you the recognition you desire.”

Hear that, folks? A vote held by a democratically elected state legislature is “forcing” the bigots to give you “your rights.” You really can’t make it any more clear who’s on the right side and who’s on the wrong side of this issue.

Well, maybe you can…

Hall said gay marriage supporters have told him he’s on the wrong side of history but, he said, “the truth is I’m more concerned about being on the right side of eternity.”

Sen. Hall, let me be the one to explain to you why we’re winning: History is REAL.

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Republicans Need Morons

Let’s say you have a major political party in a large, prosperous country. And let’s say that this party rode to power on a wave of populist pandering to people who are, to put it nicely, stupid bigots. And let’s say that this party is starting to realize what a mistake this was (but only after seeing how changing demographics deprived this party of its actual goal, which is making rich people richer). So some people in this party have started openly discussing the obvious fact that pandering to stupid bigots is starting to cost them elections as minority and women voters gain more traction. How do you expect the stupid bigots to respond?

By insisting it’s all about themselves, of course! Stupid bigots aren’t really capable of thinking about anything but themselves (that’s why they’re stupid bigots), so it should come as no surprise that they think the Republican Party owes everything to them and the fact that the world isn’t falling in line with their beliefs is proof that they’re being persecuted. Case in Point: David Limbaugh, brother of the odious Rush Limbaugh, proclaiming in the WingNutDaily that The Republican Party needs stupid bigots.

One of the largest elephants in the GOP’s post-election room is the fate of Christian and other social conservatives. Party honchos can’t just wish this problem away – or, maybe they can.

Make up your mind, asshole. Can they or can’t they?

And I was pretty sure that the largest elephant in any GOP room was your brother.

There has been increasing hostility toward Christian involvement in politics, and the animus hasn’t been solely from the left.

Boo hoo hoo! They’re not letting Christians get involved in politics! We’re being persecuted!

Except for the fact that pretty much every politician in America is Christian. And has been for quite some time. And the Christian religion gets injected into pretty much every fucking debate this country has on any issue. It seems like this country can’t decide whether or not to fix a pothole without first asking what Jesus wants (and then learning that Jesus apparently speaks through crazy dumb people).

To be sure, Democrats have taken the lead, demonizing conservative Christians as science-challenged scolds who don’t care about women’s “reproductive rights,”

I put “reproductive rights” in scare quotes because I don’t believe such a thing even exists. How dare the left demonize me by saying I don’t care about them!

No, David. We’re not demonizing you by calling you exactly what you are. You know dick about science, you moralize to everyone, and you’re misogynistic pricks who want to interfere with what a woman does with her own body. That’s not demonizing. That’s just stating the facts. “Science-challenged scolds who don’t care about women’s reproductive rights” is an apt description of the typical religious right wing nut.

but there is plenty of antipathy from certain elements within the Republican Party, as well.

Many establishment and some libertarian Republicans have long looked upon Christian conservatives with mild, condescending contempt. Party leaders from Barry Goldwater to Alan Simpson have openly derided Christians and lamented their negative influence on the party and on the overall political climate.

They derided Christians? I doubt that. More likely, they derided the people who think “Christian” means making every election about what people do with their genitals. Did it ever occur to you that many of these people are Christian themselves, and maybe they don’t take too kindly to you reserving the term solely to people who think cares more about buttsex than poverty? No, of course not. That would require actually considering someone else’s point of view.

Even Ronald Reagan’s warm embrace of faith-based conservatives didn’t diminish the establishment’s disdain for them, which forcibly reared its head over the Todd Akin and Rick Mourdock kerfuffles. So swift and dramatic was their descent on Akin following his “forcible rape” embarrassment that one could almost infer they were lying in wait for just such an excuse to marginalize outspoken Christian conservatives.

The term Akin used was “legitimate rape”. But it’s telling that you see such a comment as a sign that someone is a “Christian”. Am I to understand that the point of your op-ed is to convince me that marginalizing social conservatives is a bad thing? ‘Cause that’s not at all what I’m getting from this.

Don’t get me wrong; I had serious doubts about Akin’s electability after the comments, too, but the establishment’s outrage wasn’t limited to Akin (or Mourdock) or even to his rape comment. There was palpable disgust from certain quarters on the right over what they perceived as the lunacy of making social issues a part of the equation at all.

This is what I love about David Limbaugh. He seems to know exactly why people view the religious right as a bunch of babbling, underpants-on-head numbskulls. They’re science-challenged scolds who hate women and spout a bunch of lunacy. And Limbaugh’s response is, “Why is that so bad?” Love it.

If my analysis is incorrect, then why do we hear so much conflation of the Akin and Mourdock incidents with the question of the viability of social conservatism in general? If the outrage over these two was simply limited to their comments, then why are they increasingly cited as Exhibits A and B in the case for purging social conservatism from the Republican Party?

Your analysis isn’t incorrect. You’re totally right that many Republicans are getting sick of the religious right’s schtick. What I find so amusing is your inability to grasp why that might be. Wouldn’t it be, if not refreshing, at least entertaining if more people were like this? I’d love to see an interview with the members of Nickleback where they said, “For some reason, the fact that our music consists of painfully generic, derivative rock melodies combined with shallow, mind-numbingly stupid lyrics sung in the most insincerely maudlin voice any human can muster is causing people to say we suck. I just don’t get it!”

Imagine if terrorists responded to public outcry with something like, “I just don’t get why people hate being mauled by pipe bombs so much.” Or if con artists started saying, “I’m starting to get the feeling that people don’t like it when I steal their money. Am I wrong?” Yes, the world would still be full of assholes and morons in such a case. But at least the assholes would realize why they’re asshole, though still be utterly stupefied by the fact that this makes people think they’re assholes.

The GOP’s distaste for social conservatives this election cycle wasn’t confined to the Akin affair. If you’ll recall, Rick Santorum was the object of much scorn for his insistence on placing social issues front and center in his campaign. Some of the criticism was based on Santorum’s perceived demeanor and sanctimony, but no small amount of it would have occurred even if Santorum had been cheerfully optimistic in his approach to these issues.

What exactly is the “cheerfully optimistic” way to tell a woman she has to keep a pregnancy that resulted from rape? Wouldn’t that be Mourdock’s “God loves rape” approach? ‘Cause that doesn’t seem to work very well. Is there a “cheerfully optimistic” way to tell a gay man he can’t visit his dying partner in the hospital because the government won’t let them get married?

In fairness, we are in extraordinary times, and it’s understandable that even some Reagan conservatives (those who subscribe to his three-legged stool of economic, foreign policy and social conservatism)

Let me go on record as saying that I am totally on board with calling the current conservative platform “stool”.

became impatient with attempts to place social issues at the forefront. They were convinced that President Obama’s fiscal and economic nightmares alone would ensure a Republican victory and that there was no need to make controversial social issues a drag on the ticket.

What nightmares? Yeah, Obama’s far from perfect, but he still hasn’t managed to tank the economy the way the last couple Republicans have.

But that excuse will not mollify many social conservatives, who believe not only that social issues are the most important matters facing the nation today, but that at the root of our economic problems is an underlying disintegration of the nation’s moral fabric.

There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that could mollify social conservatives. They practically breathe and eat outrage. If they weren’t offended by something, they wouldn’t know what to do. Their minds are constantly in Gibbering Rage Mode, which is why thoughts like “Fags cause recessions” pass through their minds without triggering a That’s Really Stupid alarm.

My purpose here, though, is not to debate the merits of the competing positions, but to point out that this growing intolerance for social issues by some in the GOP could result in a major schism, even a splintering of the party.

People keep saying this, and yet it never happens. It’s almost as if the base that social conservatism appeals to is comprised largely of a bunch of ignorant sheep with short memories.

I am receiving emails and reading articles from Christian conservatives advocating a doubling down on social issues, some even suggesting that Christians redirect their focus away from politics and toward evangelism.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: Please, right wing nuts, shift your focus away from politics. That’s totally the best way for you to counteract left wing heathens like me. It’ll totally work. Do it, do it, do it, do it!

Social issues are like blood in the water to Democrats and their liberal media accomplices, witnessed by their effort to ensnare GOP rising star Marco Rubio in a scandal over the age of the Earth. Even Rubio’s tempered response was uniformly maligned as evidence of his science-illiteracy and superstition. The right’s failure to come to his defense guarantees further and stronger attacks.

Okay, a few things here.

  1. The age of the Earth is not a social issue.
  2. Anyone who thinks it is is a dumbfuck.
  3. Rubio clearly thinks it is.
  4. He’s a dumbfuck.
  5. That’s why few Republicans came to his defense.

Perhaps one of the most insidious notions that circulates on the far right is this idea that facts about nature are matters of “personal belief”. It doesn’t take too much reflection to see why this would be a problem (but it’s still more reflection than David Limbaugh could ever muster). The fact that Rubio felt the need to give a “tempered” response (“tempered” here means “non-committal enough that the rubes won’t get upset”) just shows how bad this problem has gotten for the Republicans. The portion of their base who thinks they get to invent their own scientific facts is so large that their leading politicians are afraid to acknowledge that facts exist at all, and rather just offer some mushy nonsense about “mysteries” in answer to a question about a topic that is by no means mysterious.

The Earth is approximately 4.5 billion years old. This has been established by numerous independent dating methods that all converge on the same answer. There is no other scientifically literate answer to such a question. If you don’t think the Earth is about 4.5 billion years old, you don’t know shit about science. It’s that simple. But it’s even worse than that. In addition to being ignorant, you are also rejecting the expertise of people who, you know, actually do all the hard work that makes science happen. As much as Republicans love extolling the virtues of hard work and enterprise, they seem to forget those principles whenever someone applies those virtues and reaches a conclusion they don’t like.

It is no small irony that those urging a remake of the GOP to bring it in line with changing demographics could unwittingly alienate Hispanics and other minority recruits who might be receptive to social conservatism.

I’m sure Hispanics will fall right in line with all those social conservatives who want to make English the official language, ban Hispanic Studies classes, demand immigrants show their papers to any cop who asks for them, and claim that Mexican immigrants are stealing all our jobs. Social conservatives, you sure got a lot to offer those Hispanics! Keep fuckin’ that chicken, y’all!

It is also ironic and a testament to the wholesale ineffectiveness of the Republican Party that it is cowering from potentially winnable social issues: abortion, same-sex marriage, Obama’s assault on religious liberty and his phony war on women.

Well, those issues are “potentially winnable” in the same sense that Karl Rove thought Ohio was potentially winnable. But let’s go through them one by one.

Abortion. The public has spoken. Most Americans think it should be legal. But that’s not the end of the story. Our Founders spoke of the “tyranny of the majority” in the Federalist Papers. This is the fear that as long as something is popular, it will become law no matter how repressive or unjust it is. The solution to this problem is the courts, which have the power to overturn unjust laws no matter how many people support them. This is exactly what happened with Roe v. Wade. So even if abortion didn’t have majority support, it is still not a winnable issue.

Gay Marriage. This is an example of the right wing being once again on the wrong end of history. It happened previously with women’s liberation and black civil rights, and the gay marriage issue appears to be following a similar trajectory. Unfair social norms hold back some portion of the population based on something that does no harm to anyone and is not their fault. People complain, and the norms start changing. Bigots whine and cry and insist that changing these norms will destroy the Universe. Norms change. Universe still exists. Bigots 50 years down the road pretend that no one on the right ever opposed giving equal rights to that portion of the population. Wash, rinse, repeat. The tide is slowly but surely shifting on gay rights. It won’t be long before bigots are pretending they were never bigoted against gays, just like they are now pretending that conservatives never supported discrimination against blacks.

Obama’s assault on religious liberty. There’s simply no such thing. If anything, by expanding Bush’s bogus “Faith Based Initiatives,” Obama has assaulted secularism by getting the government even more entangled with religion. Pretty much every example people can come up with of Obama’s “assault” on religious “liberty” involves preventing someone from interfering with somebody else’s liberty. Obama wants insurance companies to cover contraceptives! He’s assaulting my liberty! Obama acknowledged the existence of atheists and Muslims in this country! He’s assaulting my liberty! Obama says I can’t prevent gay people from marrying! He’s assaulting my liberty! This is all bullshit. “Liberty” does not mean “power over others”. In fact, it means precisely the opposite.

[Obama’s] phony war on women. Need I remind you that you were just earlier wondering why no one defended the guy who said that women can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape”? I hate the American tendency to call anything people argue over a “war”, but, call it what you want, the right wing has definitely attacked women on more than one occasion recently. The abortion thing is constant. But then there’s the numerous Republican candidates who made incredibly ignorant and insensitive comments about rape. And your brother calling a woman a “slut” just for testifying to Congress about the health benefits of the birth control pill. And let’s not forget that a sizable portion of the “social conservatives” you’re praising still believe in the Biblical notion that a wife is a servant of her husband and women can’t be priests/pastors and have authority over men. I don’t like calling it “war”, but there’s nothing phony about claiming that social conservatives are anti-woman.

Is there no issue on which the establishment will not cave in the end?

I mean, god damn! We already done gave rights to Negroes and Injuns! Where’s it gonna end?

The Republican Party can choose to ostracize social conservatives and their issues, or try to purge them altogether from the party and its platform. But they better be careful what they wish for, because if they do, it will be the end of the party as we know it.

It’s so cute how you keep saying good things like they’re bad things.

*Head Explodes*

With gay marriage passing in Maryland and Maine, and weed legalization passing in Colorado and Washington, this was a great election if you like drugs and dick. I’m not into either, but I support people’s right to do them if they want, so I was excited about this. The weed thing really surprised me–I never thought it would pass. Plus, the Democrats managed to keep control of the Senate and prevented Rapey McGee and Rapey McGoo in Missouri and Indiana from reaching it. So that’s awesome. Oh, and something or other about the White House happened. Yawn.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad Obama won. But I find it difficult to get excited about him. He’s a moderate democrat masquerading as a conservative democrat who knows how to add nice touches of rhetorical flourish to his speeches but not how to follow through on his promises.  But one thing I was looking forward to was watching the right wing’s many bloated heads explode when he won a second term. And Joseph Farah of WingNutDaily handed me a healthy dose of schadenfreude with this headline:

America pronounces judgment on itself

*Kablooey!* Little bits of Farah head smear the walls, and I laugh my ass off.

I feel like this title was intended to be read ominously through a booming megaphone with Carmina Burana playing in the background. Fire and brimstone rain down on gay weddings in legal marijuana stores. Black people have buttsex with terrorists for affordable healthcare in the streets while the Four Horsemen read Karl Marx and eat arugula. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.

And the amusing hyperbole continues in the article itself.

For many of us, the unthinkable has happened.

I felt the same way when the Thunder traded James Harden away. You know what? I got over it. But the conservative “traditional values” crowd aren’t exactly known for getting over things. Hell, they’ve still got their panties in a wad over losing the Civil War.

And in what universe was this outcome “unthinkable”? Obama lead through most of the campaign, and most experts picked him to win. You may not like it, but you should have seen it coming. Oh, wait, that’s right. Those are “facts” I’m referring to. I apologize. I forgot about your fact allergies.

In sum, lots of things are unthinkable when you don’t think.

America has decisively turned the corner away from the constitutional principles of limited government and self-government with the re-election of Barack Obama.

And by “limited government and self-government” we mean ” don’t stick your dick in a butt.”

There may be no way home for us.

Boo hoo hoo! You lost. Someone has to lose every election. Deal with it. Seriously, what a fucking crybaby.

We have allowed our fellow Americans to pronounce judgment on the nation.

That’s what Obama represents to me – God’s judgment on a people who have turned away from Him and His ways and from everything for which our founders sacrificed their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor.

Farah is so flabbergasted by things not going his way that the only explanation he can come up with that seems to fit the momentousness of his not getting his way is that an omnipotent being must be punishing millions of people for the horrible crimes of not fag-punching and giving medicine to poor people.

This does shed some light on what he meant by “unthinkable” earlier on. So enamored is he with his own delusional worldview that the thought of it failing is simply unfathomable. His little lizard brain just can’t process the cognitive dissonance.

The nation is divided like never before – intentionally so.

I hate it when people say this bullshit. So are we more divided now than we were during the Civil Fucking War? And not even just that. Are we more divided now than we were during the Vietnam War and the struggle for black civil rights? Are we more divided now than back when thousands of black people were being lynched and black churches full of children were being bombed by white terrorists? Are we more divided than we were in 1920 when the debate over women’s suffrage was raging?

It’s become a common trope amongst those who follow politics but don’t think about politics that our nation lacks “civility”, and that politics used to be so “civil” back in some fantasy past, but now we’re “divided” and the “tone” of politics today is just too “strident” and “negative”.  Bullshit. American politics was never civil. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this way back in the 1830s, and discusses the vociferousness of American political debate at length in Democracy in America.

We’re not divided like never before. We’re doing what we’ve always done, such as call the President a Marxist Terrorist Communist Atheist Muslim Usurper from Kenya who hates America and wants to kill your grandmother. Normal politics, actually.

That has been Obama’s game plan from the beginning – to build a constituency of special-interest groups that truly believe their salvation is found in bigger government, more programs, irresponsible spending and unconstitutional policies.

Religious right groups are interest groups too, you stupid fuck. This would be like if the coach of the Charlotte Bobcats said that the reason they suck is because of Teams. If it weren’t for all the dirty, filthy Teams ruining the NBA, the Bobcats would be on top and make basketball the way it used to be back in the past, the way Naismith intended it to be. Stupid teams.

This election could very well represent the beginning of the end of the American Dream, American exceptionalism, the American way.

The American dream and the American way never existed to begin with, and American exceptionalism can fuck itself with a live badger for all I care.

But it’s no time to give up – to throw up our hands in disgust and walk away from politics. Neither is it time to surrender to the radical social agenda Obama has championed to win his victory.

It’s time to change tactics.

Change tactics? You mean, like, stop demonizing minorities, stop lying about science, stop inventing fake history about the Founding Fathers, stop using other people’s rights as wedge issues, stop attacking women’s rights, stop spreading lunacy about your invisible friend, stop trying to start war after war just to sate your lust for the blood of brown skinned people?

It’s time to raise our collective voices of outrage.

Voicing outrage is all you people do. What would the religious right have to live for if not outrage? I was honestly beginning to believe that outrage was some kind of currency among you people.

But, at the end of the day, people generally get the kind of government they deserve.

No. Not true. Nobody deserved George W. Bush. Nobody. Not even Texas. I wouldn’t even wish him on Canada.

I’m not going to lie to you.

LOL.

The America haters are running the country for another four years.

Well, the ones who insist that they’re the real America lovers really fucked the country up between 2000 and 2008, so I’ll take my chances with the haters.

Most of all, it’s time for collective repentance.

Only a miracle can save us – and we need to humble ourselves before God and pray hard for one.

Maybe god could give us one of those miracles from the Bible that proves he’s so All-Powerful. Like fish-multiplication. If he turned a small number of fish into a large number of fish, that would prove that he’s got power over THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE and save America. At least, that plan makes more sense than how he chose to “save” us.

Can we find our way home? Is the political system even viable for us anymore? Has our heritage of representative government been permanently robbed from us?

For guys like Farah, a government isn’t representative unless it represents the right people. Obama won the election and takes office supported by the majority of Americans? Screw that! Democracy isn’t about the people voting for the candidate they want to represent them. It’s about someone who agrees with me fucking over people I don’t like.

And don’t think I don’t smell the “second amendment remedies” lurking in a god-humper who asks “Is the political system even viable for us anymore?” We all know what that means.

But we must not retreat. We must not hide. We must not be intimidated. We must not stop fighting for truth, justice and the American way.

Okay, that last bit convinces me that Farah wrote this while wearing his Superman undies and cape while crying over a sad little peanut butter sandwich that his mom cut the crusts off of for him. His mom wipes crumbs off of his hideous mustache and assures him, “There there, dear. Don’t you worry about those mean old rational people. You’re still mommy’s little boy! Now, go harass a fag or two and you’ll feel all better.”

Maybe we deserve this punishment for taking our lifestyles for granted. Maybe we deserve this judgment for our own individual and collective sins. Maybe there’s still time to turn things around because we serve a Creator of second and third chances.

Since when does eternal punishment involve second chances?

Whatever. The article ends with one more blob of the inert jelly that passes for brains in Farah’s head splattering against the wall:

One thing is for certain: Our national condition is going to get much worse before it gets better.

Not as long as I have you around for entertainment, Joey boy. As long as the Democrats keep winning and you keep melting down, I’m a happy man indeed.