The guy dressed like a lady doth protest too much

You know what Christians love talking about? Love. They even love how much they love talking about love. A thousand hippie monkeys at a thousand Valentine typewriters couldn’t talk about love as much as Christians do. Led Zepplin’s “Whole Lotta Love” doesn’t talk about love enough for them. If the English language consisted solely of the word “Love”, it still wouldn’t be possible to talk about love as much as Christians talk about love.

So, yeah, they talk about it. But do they actually love that much?

Fuck no. In fact, the more a Christian talks about love, the more likely it is that what they’re ACTUALLY proposing is hateful, bigoted, and just downright cruel. And sometimes rather perverted.

Speaking of hateful, cruel and perverted, let’s check in on the Catholic Church.

Indianapolis, IN —
As the Indiana General Assembly prepares to consider a proposed
constitutional amendment which would ban gay marriage in the state,
Indiana’s six Roman Catholic bishops have weighed in on the issue.

Fun.

In a December 4 joint statement, the bishops said that they “respect the
equal dignity of all persons” but marriage is the “intimate communion
of life and love between one man and one woman.”

Look, you pompous dinglefucks. Those two statements flagrantly contradict each other. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think you’re equal” and then turn around and say “I want to deny you rights that other people get based solely on who you are.” If you say that, then you clearly don’t believe that they are equal. Equality means equal rights. Denial of the one is a denial of the other. It’s a set in stone biconditional (see what I did there?).

“With deep respect for all our brothers and sisters,

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

we affirm the institution of marriage as the intimate communion of life
and love between one man and one woman. Marriage is an intimate sharing
of conjugal life and love.

It’s all about sex for these sanctimonious perverts.

Gay people don’t want marriage rights because they want to fuck. They’re doing just fine in the fucking department.* They don’t need permission from you or anyone else to stroke their genitals. And the same goes for straight people.

Gay marriage is about hospital visitation privileges. It’s about tax exemptions. It’s about adoption and child custody.

Get your god-addled brain out of the prude gutter.

It involves the total gift of self in a partnership for the whole of life. Only by means of the complementarity between a man and a woman can this total gift of self be fully given and received,” the bishops wrote.

Wow. You actually accomplished something. You managed to make the world’s most elaborate and unfunny dick joke.

Seriously. That statement is just a pretentious, self-important way to say, “Gays can’t marry ’cause penis in vagina huh huh huh.”

Well, Beavis, you’re wrong. In fact, absurdly wrong. In fact, if you restate what they said above without all the fancy sounding religio-jargon, it comes out to this:

Marriage requires loving commitment. Loving commitment requires a penis going into vagina.  Therefore gays can’t marry. QED

It would be laughable if it weren’t ruining real people’s lives.

And if total gift of self requires a penis going into a vagina, does that mean Jesus has a vagina? Or can men just not go to heaven?

(This is the first time I’ve ever said this about anyone: I really, really hope these Bishops don’t love children…)

“We respect the equal dignity of all persons while upholding the
uniqueness of the covenant of marriage as established by our Creator.

“We respect you while keeping all the good toys to ourselves. Ninny ninny boo boo.”

The well-being of children, of the family, and of society is closely
bound to the healthy state of marriage and respect for its true nature
and purpose.”

Yeah, ’cause when I think of the well-being of children, I think of the Catholic Church. And I think Jerry Sandusky. And I think I’m gonna go to the hospital, because I’ve clearly developed a brain tumor…

Without naming the upcoming debate, the bishops “urged the people of
Indiana” to “defend the dignity and …truth about marriage, according
to God’s plan and law, with charity toward all.”

Sorry, bub, but this is not a theocracy. You don’t get to take a god-shit all over our laws. Pass this stupid law if you want. It’ll just be overturned a few years from now.

“On the one hand, I hope that the statement serves to affirm the great
esteem we afford to the institution of marriage, a way of life that is
prior to the nation-state and any government,” Indianapolis Archbishop Joseph Tobin said. “On
the other hand, we hope to reinforce the dignity of every human being,
whom the Church accepts as a unique creation of our loving God.”

Blah blah blah blah. We love everyone, especially the people we hate!

Only a Christian would deprive people of rights, but call it “reinforcing the dignity of every human being.” That’s some serious Orwellian doublespeak there. And it’s no surprise that they repeat the crap about respect and love and dignity over and over and over ad nauseum. Deep down, they know their position is unsupportable bigotry. They know how awful their position appears to any rational person. They know they can’t just put lipstick on a pig. So they slather the poor porker with the most garish shades of lipstick all over its future bacon-y goodness, and hope that the sheer tackiness and ludicrousness of the whole thing will distract people enough that they don’t notice what it really is.

But America isn’t stupid. Slowly but surely, people are seeing through the ruse.

Fuck you, Catholic Church.**

_________________

* I wish my university had a Fucking Department.

** That means I respect your dignity.

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Cloning the Language

There’s a widely cited term in the skeptical community about a commonly observed phenomenon in the gullible dingleberry community. Crank Magnetism, as it’s called, is the tendency of those who accept one ludicrous pseudoscientific or otherwise demonstrably false belief to accept others as well. So a creationist like Phillip Johnson also turns out to be an HIV/AIDS denialist.  Or a global warming denialist might also be a stem cell denialist. Essentially fucktardation in one realm of thought correlates positively with other realms of thought also being fucktarded. Stupidity spreads through one’s brain like the virus you deny exists, and makes your thoughts on a whole range of topics utterly fucktarded.

This is certainly true of the Discovery Institute, the primary driver behind the ball-crunchingly fucktarded pseudo-theory of Intelligent Design. They also are fucktarded in several other scientific domains, including the one I’m looking at today: Human Cloning. It also provides a perfect example of another odious practice that the superstitious and bigoted like to do: Appropriating Language. Observe:

Some worry most about the eventual birth of a cloned baby—an event that is still a long way off. But therapeutic cloning already poses an acute threat to human dignity.

It’s starting to reach the point where I cringe whenever I hear the word “dignity”, because it is more and more being used to attack things that have nothing to do with dignity. The damn Catholic Church claims that IVF techniques are an affront to human dignity, for fuck’s sake. Generally, “dignity” is more and more starting to mean “some airy idea or arbitrary rule that we will treat as more important than actual physical human beings.”

As Charles Krauthammer, who served on George W. Bush’s President’s Council on Bioethics, warned in the New Republic in 2002, creating cloned embryos for research—now accomplished—is “dangerous” because it reduces the cloned embryo to “mere thingness,” justifying “the most ruthless exploitation.”

Quoting Krauthammer, eh? That’s fucking hilarious, seeing as he once called you guys’ pet theory “tarted-up creationism” and thinks you Intelligent Design nuts are scientific phonies. But let’s see what this Iraq War supporter has to say about “dignity”.

He went on to say:

It is the ultimate in desensitization . . . The problem, one could almost say, is not what cloning does to the embryo, but what it does to us . . . Creating a human embryo just so it can be used and then destroyed undermines the very foundation of the moral prudence that informs the entire enterprise of genetic research: the idea that, while a human embryo may not be a person, it is not nothing. Because if it is nothing, then everything is permitted. And if everything is permitted, then there are no fences, no safeguards, no bottom.

Hey, Charles. Hyperbole just called. He said he wants you to tone it down, since even he’s embarrassed by this. Also, notice how he’s picked up the terms “exploitation” and “desensitization” from other issues and stuck them onto an issue to which they simply don’t apply. Remember, this is a single cell that we are talking about. One human zygote–that’s what therapeutic cloning produces. That’s it. It has no feeling, no thoughts, no experiences, no nerves, no brain. There is nothing there to be harmed in any way. A single cell has no dignity. It can’t be exploited. It has no senses. It is not a person. But in the name of “exploitation” and “desensitization” and “human dignity” we need to outlaw experimenting on it at the cost of valuable medical knowledge which could save thousands of real human beings.

Here’s a thought experiment. Imagine a trolley track with a fork in it. You’re at the switch. You can decide which track to send an out of control trolley down by pulling the switch.  On one track, there is a man tied to it. On the other track, a rack of petri dishes containing one thousand human zygotes. If you don’t pull the switch, the trolley will hit the man and kill him. If you pull the switch, it will hit the petri dishes and destroy all 1,000 embryos. What do you do?

If you answer “Pull the switch”, then you don’t believe zygotes are really people, since you’d be willing to destroy 1,000 of them to save one life.

If you say, “Don’t pull the switch and let the man die,” then you’re a fucking asshole.

The only effective preventative is to enact a comprehensive legal ban on human SCNT, not just the uses to which a cloned embryo may be put. Contrary to what the science intelligentsia, the biotechnology industry, and the mainstream media might claim, banning human SCNT is a step that is widely supported internationally. Indeed, in 2005, the General Assembly of the United Nationsvoted overwhelmingly in support of a non-binding resolution calling upon member states “to prohibit all forms of human cloning.”

Is there anything that the UN HASN’T issued a non-binding resolution on? I mean, Jesus, just about anybody can suck the right diplomatic cock and get a non-binding resolution through in the UN. And you gotta love how the right wing fuckberries rail against the evils of the UN and kowtowing to the international community…right up until they agree with them on something.

The devil will be found in how the term “cloning” is defined. In particular, we should be on the lookout for phony bans that actually legalize the SCNT process using human DNA. For example, many proposals would only outlaw “reproductive cloning.” But as we have seen, such a “ban” would not outlaw cloning at all, merelyone potential use that could be made of embryo made through cloning.

Yeah, kinda sucks when people use that tactic of  making a law vaguely worded so that it doesn’t actually do what you claim it does. Now, about those “academic freedom” laws that the Discovery Institute keeps pushing in state after state….

Outlawing human cloning would provide salutatory benefits

No, it wouldn’t. All it would do is deprive us of life-saving research in order to protect single cells. There is no plus side to this.

First, it would deprive cloning researchers of the funds to further perfect human cloning techniques.

Hear that? That’s every sane person on earth asking, “How the fuck is that a salutatory benefit?”

Outlawing human cloning would also be a clarion call to our scientists demanding that they stay within proper moral parameters as they serve society through the pursuit of knowledge.

I send this message out to all god-humpers, all sanctimonious twats, all conservative evangelicals and every moral crusader in the country:

YOU DO NOT GET TO DEFINE THE “PROPER MORAL PARAMETERS” FOR THE REST OF US. FUCK OFF.

And it would protect women.

You have got to be shitting me.

Recall that human eggs are the essential ingredients in the cloning recipe. As I wrote here last month, the need for human eggs in cloning threatens a great “human egg rush.”

But retrieving human eggs can be very dangerous to women’s health and fecundity. Banning cloning can thus prevent the further objectification of the female biological function.

There’s more appropriation for you. “Objectification”. Except for the fact that this issue has nothing to do with objectification or feminist critiques thereof.

This shit really pisses me of.  This asshole is leaving out the part where women volunteer their eggs in order to further scientific knowledge. It’s not like scientists are running through the streets probing every woman they find in order to get at her precious, precious ova. Women–grown up, adult women–donate the eggs of their own free will.

And yet, this guy is trying to sound like a feminist while leaving out a woman’s ability to make her own choices about her own body. I’m gonna call this bullshit Patriarchal Pseudo-Feminism. Basically, it means infantilizing women, treating them like they are unable to determine their own lives and choices, just like patriarchy always does to women, but disguising it in the language of feminism. I see it a lot. I’ve seen it used to attack pornography, abortion, IVF, contraception and a host of other issues relating to women. It frustrates me even more than overt sexism or misogyny, since at least if someone is being blatantly sexist they aren’t trying to lie to me about what a piece of shit they are.

But this fucknugget is treating women like they’re helpless children who need the law to protect them from evil scientists, and trying to make it look like he’s pro-woman for this. Fuck that. I’m not standing for it. Women can make their own fucking choices about their own fucking eggs. And (assuming they’re properly informed) if they want to give them to a scientist for a cloning experiment, the rest of us should respect their decision and not make condescending, patriarchal comments about how we need to protect them from themselves. Fuck you, Discovery Institute.

And any time you hear someone demanding that we need to ban something in the name of feminism, but they conveniently leave out the notions of informed consent and a woman determining her own life, tell hem to fuck off with their patriarchal wolf in feminist clothing.

Finally, on a positive note, once human cloning becomes beyond the pale, we could begin to row in the direction of areas of biotechnology that are morally licit, freeing human and financial resources for the pursuit of the abundant avenues of moral andefficacious biotechnological research—such as adult stem cell research, genetically tailored chemotherapy, and other medical treatments.

Except for the fact that there are things you can do with cloning that can’t be done with those other types of research. You’d be preventing us from making certain discoveries, not encouraging discoveries in other areas.

We can achieve remarkable biotechnology breakthroughs in this century without surrendering our ethics.

“Our” ethics? I certainly don’t share ethics with you, shitwad.

Outlawing human cloning is the essential progressive act.

And we end with one more act of cloning the left’s language in order to attack it. “Progressive” my boney white ass.