How to be a Christian asshole

Evangelism plays an interesting role in Christianity. Superficially, evangelism is Christians converting non-Christians into Christians. But in reality, evangelism literature is aimed primarily at people who are already Christian. Rather than a tool for bringing in new members, it’s more a tool for reinforcing the beliefs of those who are already members. The odious Ray Comfort’s ludicrously implausible evangelism anecdotes are a sterling example of this, and this one is a doozy.

How to share the gospel with homosexuals

Exclusive: Ray Comfort turns to couple on airplane and says …

Oh, this is gonna be a good one. (Nota bene: I live in an alternate universe where “good” means “offensive and imbecilic.”)

I was flying from Los Angeles to Miami when I found myself sitting next to two women. Sarah was sitting closest to me. She was 29, inappropriately dressed, with a ring through her nose, and she wasn’t the friendliest person I have sat next to on a plane.

Always start out your gospel-sharing by being a judgmental prude. It really makes people want to go to Heaven when they’re confronted with the notion that Heaven means spending eternity with billions of Ray Comforts. Side note: “Not the friendliest person I’ve sat next to on a plane” was voted as “Biggest Understatement in the Universe” by everyone who’s ever sat next to Ray Comfort on a plane.

After we took off I couldn’t help but notice that her friend kept kissing her on the cheek, holding her hand and rubbing her shoulder.

Pervert.

They were “gay,” and that little revelation lifted my planned witnessing encounter up a big notch on the awkward meter.

“Planned witnessing encounters” are pretty fucking high on any awkwardness meter anyways. And, keep in mind, Comfort has been complaining about how unfriendly the lesbians were. Apparently, being lesbian in his presence is unfriendly, since he provides no other evidence that they did anything wrong other than be two people in love with each other.

I really didn’t want an angry homosexual couple complaining to the airline (and the media) that I was a homophobic fundamentalist, imposing my “hate speech” by saying that they were going to hell because they were gay.

Ray Comfort is the victim! Gay people behaved as gay people near him! It was horrible! He couldn’t help but notice it, because he watches lesbians a lot to…witness to them. And there’s nothing hateful about telling a stranger that they’ll burn forever just for living a different lifestyle.

I waited until she had eaten, finished her movie, and simply said, “Sarah. I have a question for you. Do you think there’s an afterlife?”

She wasn’t sure, so I asked, “If heaven exists, are you going there? Are you a good person?”

She predictably said she was, so I took her through three of the Ten Commandments – had she lied, stolen and taken God’s name in vain?

And here we have Comfort’s foundational con. This is how he “witnesses” to EVERYBODY. YouTube is awash with videos of him and his buttfuckingly idiotic followers pulling this exact same schtick on whatever stranger is tolerant enough to appear on camera with them. The argument is utterly unconvincing to anyone who hasn’t already granted the Bible some kind of special moral privilege, and its application is no more relevant to homosexuals than it is to stamp collectors who look like Peter Lorre. It’s just shit he’s shoveling into Christian mouths so they’ll give him more money, because that’s what evangelicals do: They pay already wealthy people to feed them bullshit and work against their own interests.

I didn’t mention her sexual orientation; I didn’t need to, nor did I want to. I simply shared the moral law (the Ten Commandments), because the Bible says that the law was “made” for homosexuals – see 1 Timothy 1:8-10. She wasn’t offended, and I kept her friendship and stayed out of jail.

Number of people who have been jailed in the USA simply for being anti-gay bigoted shit-for-brains: ZERO.  But Ray Comfort needs to portray himself as the brave hero so that Christians will fund his ministry, so he needs to pretend that there was some kind of risk in asking a lesbian if she’s dumb enough to belief the dogshit in the Bible. Without the self-aggrandizement and posturing, his dumbfuck followers wouldn’t donate.

By the way, this concludes his story about witnessing to gays. The rest of the article is about a girl who wanted to have an abortion. So to summarize the story described in the title

  1. Ray Comfort judges a girl’s dress and jewelry on a plane.
  2. Ray Comfort can’t help but watch two lesbians act like a couple who’s in love. Being a couple in love makes them sinners who burn, burn, burn.
  3. Ray Comfort annoys them with Bible verses.
  4. ….
  5. Ray Comfort is a hero who narrowly avoided jail!!!! Give Ray Comfort money!
  6. Ray Comfort says don’t pay attention to the fact that most of Ray Comfort’s stories are primarily about Ray Comfort with other humans serving only as props.

What a fucking repulsive freak of a human being. And he’s just getting started.

What about a woman planning an abortion?

What about her? It’s none of your fucking business.

Trying to witness to someone who is about to take the life of her child is also high on the awkward list.

It’s even higher on the Misogynistic Douchefuck list.

It’s awkward, mainly because the mind of this person is preoccupied with what she is about to do and therefore it’s difficult to get her attention.

Ray Comfort: Understander of Women. If only women would stop thinking so much about their own lives and bodies and pay more attention to Ray Comfort!

However, if she would stop and talk, I would handle the situation similarly to my conversation with Sarah.

No shit. That’s how you handle conversations with all human beings everywhere.

The reason for that is that I don’t want to reform people. I didn’t want Sarah to stop being gay and end up in hell for her lying, theft and blasphemy. I don’t want to just stop a woman from killing her child and have her go to hell for her other sins. With God’s help I want to see more than a change of mind. I want to see a change of heart.

Not surprising, seeing as “The omnipotent ruler of the whole universe deliberately made you imperfect and will send you to burn for eternity simply for being how he made you so you should love him more than anything” isn’t going to have much appeal to anybody’s mind.

Contrary to popular opinion, most who take the life of their child through abortion believe in God.

What fucking “popular opinion” are you referring to?

Even the staunchest fundamentalist atheist believes in God.

Oh, so by “popular opinion” you mean “idiotic horseshit that only the most deranged god-humping cuntburger would believe”…

I know because I have an inside source. I have a “whistleblower”

It better not be the Bible.

“For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools” (Romans 1:20-22).

God fucking damn it.

What I said about evangelism being more about appealing to those who already believe has a lot of variation. Some Christians do it more than others. Comfort is notable for how flagrantly his “evangelism” is aimed at no one other than fellow Christians. He doesn’t even try to hide it. He has precisely zero interest in converting non-Christians. His only goal is to bring more Christians into his following so they give him more money. I seriously doubt that he’s even capable of expending energy on any other task, or thinking about any other goal.

Those who abort the life of their children are “idolaters,” illustrated in the fact that their god condones the taking of a human life.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that idolatry is more aptly illustrated by things like this.

They have no fear of God before their eyes. So your agenda, with the help of God, is to stir her God-given conscience to do its duty and put the fear of God within her, and you can do that as I did with Sarah and her homosexuality, without even mentioning the elephant in the room – the impending abortion.

Ladies, if you’re in a room where abortion is an elephant, get out of that room. The people in it are assholes.

Do not use the “God has a wonderful plan” message, because it is both unbiblical and will do more damage than good. If you really believe that that message is biblical, think for a few moments about how the first eleven disciples were murdered for their faith.

So god’s plan sucks and fails his followers. Gotcha.

If you know Church history, you will know that the foundation of the church is founded in the blood of the saints. Jesus warned that people would kill Christians thinking that they are doing God a favor.

And the fact that he did nothing to prevent this, despite his supposed omnipotence, proves that he was an evil cocksucker.

Imagine you have been asked to preach the gospel to 1,000 people on the 100th floor of the World Trade Center the night before 9/11.

No.

You know that within 24 hours every person looking at you will die a death so horrific it defies human imagination.

Fuck you. Are you seriously gonna use fucking 9/11 in your fucking evangelism scam? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Many will be burned alive.

Unfortunately, you weren’t among them, you disgusting piece of human filth.

Others will jump 100 stories to their deaths on the unforgiving sidewalks of New York.

You are a wretched, appalling, horrible person. The fact that you would invoke the terrible suffering of 9/11 victims in your pathetic evangelism scam is so fucking low, so fucking depraved, so fucking repellant, that I’m literally shaking with anger. The people who lost their lives that day were better than you could ever hope to be. You, of all people, have no business invoking their names. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Others will fall with the building and be so crushed that their bodies will never be recovered.

I say this in all seriousness:

GO FUCK YOURSELF. HARD. WITH SOMETHING SHARP. THEN BLEED OUT YOUR ASS AND DIE.

This is a fucking disgusting display. Comfort has transitioned from harassing gay people on airplanes to exploiting the deaths of thousands of Americans at the hands of fundamentalists who happen to be from a different bullshit religion. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

What are you going to tell them – that God has a wonderful plan for their lives? You can’t say that to people who are about to die!

I’m just glad that the people who suffered and died in 9/11 didn’t have to hear your bullshit as a final insult to their legacy. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Instead you would soberly tell them that it’s appointed to man once to die and after this, the judgment. You would tell them that God is holy, that He will judge them by His perfect law, that hell is very real and that they desperately need a Savior. You would tell them that they could die within 24 hours, and plead with them to repent and trust alone in Jesus.

The only thing more repulsive and immoral than Ray Comfort is the imaginary being Ray Comfort pretends to worship. And the only thing more pathetic than his op-ed is the simple-minded dope who donates to his ministry after reading this horrendous goatshit.

If you have to change the message you normally preach, then you are not preaching the biblical gospel. Why would you have a different message for people who are walking the streets of this world and are about to die? Every day 150,000 people throughout this world pass into death, many of whom will die in terrible ways – through horrific car accidents and through the suffering of cancer.

Fuck your useless, heartless god harder than you fuck yourself.

The instant someone is converted to Jesus Christ, they know that means no more lying, stealing, lust, pornography, homosexuality, fornication, adultery, idolatry and no murdering of your own children.

Comfort is using the word “know” to mean “keep doing it, but judge others for it.”

Such faithful talk will cause the sinner to tremble as Felix trembled when Paul reasoned with him – not about some wonderful plan, but of “sin, temperance and judgment.”

No, it will cause any sane person to despise you.

The stirring of the dormant conscience coupled with a knowledge that a holy God will hold her accountable should be enough to put the fear of God within someone who is about to commit the murder of her own offspring. May God help us to be faithful, courageous and give us wisdom and help us to stop such slaughter.

Going around telling strangers that they will burn forever because the being who created them the way they are will burn them forever unless they believe what Ray Comfort says without evidence is not a wise move. Such admonitions only work on the stupid, the vulnerable, the confused, the disingenuous, and the malicious. It is not in any way how two humans converse rationally with each other. Comfort’s approach amounts to only one of two things: A deliberate attempt to exploit vulnerable and confused people, or a callous and cynical attempt to keep Christians who might be straying within the fold.

It’s hard for me to express just how disgusting Ray Comfort is to me. He’s a predator whose weapons are stupidity and ignorance. He preys on Christians who are too fucking ignorant and/or stupid to know how a fucking rational argument works or how people other than themselves think. There really are people out there who think he’s telling the truth with his bullshit conversion stories, and they give him money to perpetuate his obvious fucking scam of a ministry. It’s pathetic, it’s disgusting, it’s disheartening, it’s just plain sad.

Ray Comfort has turned being a stupid Christian asshole into a profession. Woe is America.

Couldn’t have said it better myself

More good news: Minnesota is set to become the 12th state to legalize gay marriage. We got the bigots on the run, people. And their own words about this issue indict them more than anything I could say about the issue.

Republican fucknut legislator Dan Hall of Minnesota wants the world to know what a hateful shit-biscuit he is. In doing so, he reveals the authoritarian fundamentalist mindset that all freedom-loving people are up against:

“Forcing others to give you your rights will never end well,” said Sen. Dan Hall, a Republican and a pastor. “It won’t give you the recognition you desire.”

Hear that, folks? A vote held by a democratically elected state legislature is “forcing” the bigots to give you “your rights.” You really can’t make it any more clear who’s on the right side and who’s on the wrong side of this issue.

Well, maybe you can…

Hall said gay marriage supporters have told him he’s on the wrong side of history but, he said, “the truth is I’m more concerned about being on the right side of eternity.”

Sen. Hall, let me be the one to explain to you why we’re winning: History is REAL.

The bigots just can’t help themselves…

News broke today that the Minnesota House of Representatives passed a bill that would legalize gay marriage. Now it goes to the state Senate on Monday, and then to the governor, who has said he will sign it if the Senate passes it. With Maryland, Maine and Washington passing gay marriage last year, and Delaware, Rhode Island and possibly Minnesota and Illinois this year, the tide has clearly turned on this issue and gay marriage is now on the offensive rather than on defense. Which is a wonderful, awesome fucking thing!

But you know something about bigots? They tend to be sore fucking losers and whiny little shits. Hell, there are still people in the South who can’t get over the fact that they lost the Civil fucking War, and when I was growing up in Oklahoma there were still nitwits (including several in my own family) who hadn’t gotten over school de-segregation.

And so with the announcement that Minnesota is now on the path to finally treating gays like human beings with equal rights, the bigots feel the need to use the power of the internet to let everyone who reads the USA Today article linked above what brain dead butt sniffers they are. (Quick note: USA Today’s formatting on their website is horrendously ugly. I don’t know who designed it, but they should be fired.) Here’s a sampling of the type of comments that one can expect to find on just about any article about people treating gays as equals.

Edward Brantley · Top Commenter · Gibbs High School

OH Boy! You can really smell the KY jelly burning now.

As we all know, homosexuals live lives of constant, uninterrupted buttfucking. If a gay man removes his cock from an asshole for even a moment, it creates a rift in space time that consumes all of the universe.

Edward here is pretty typical. Whenever a god-humper hears about homosexuality, their mind immediately defaults to the Buttfucking setting. They seem to think that’s all there is to gay people’s lives, and that gay people are just as obsessed with sex as they are.

Kevin P Hawkins · Top Commenter · Utep

Morally this is appauling. Regardless that I find homosexuality perverse and immoral. They should be entitled to the same benefits that married people have. While I disagree that they should give them the status of marriage. THey should get an official endorsement to their union…

Well, I find the Bible to be rather apPAULing too (see what I did there?).  Although it is somewhat refreshing to see the vestiges of a reasoning brain poking through the thick, obstreperous scar tissue of religious indoctrination that Kevin has been given in place of a functioning brain. Maybe someday he’ll realize that calling harmless relationships “appauling” is just as ludicrous as seeking to prevent them. Maybe.

Horest Alers · Top Commenter

Homosexuality is destructive to a stable , moral society , why should it be encouraged by allowing it to be given equal status? Let the perverts keep their sins in private until judgement day and their time in Hell.

Horest, unfortunately, is more typical. People like Horest are why we can’t have nice things in this country.

Kevin P Hawkins · Top Commenter · Utep

Iamnot Theuniverse so being against a perverse and immoral choice of lifestyle is socially ignorant? IF you mean by shielding my family from socializing with those who behave in an unexceptable manner than I consider that a complement…

Damn it, Kevin. Here I was trying to be nice to you and commend you for showing at least a modicum of decency, and then you go and say something so stupid and hateful that I feel morally obliged to call you an assface.  Seriously, how is this any different from the people in the old South who felt the need to “shield” their pretty little white daughters from those dirty black men who just can’t help but rape helpless white women? Gay people are people. Like, human beings. They’re not dangerous to you or anyone else. Get your fucking head out of your fucking ass, you bigoted cocksucker.

Horest Alers · Top Commenter

All the sick godless perverts are finally getting their way with gutless, godless lawmakers. Just keep lowering the moral level of America folks. Whats the next sin to be encouraged? We have easy abortion, divorce, fornication , cohabitation, sodomy , free porn on the web, vulgar and blasphemous language and perverted sex on tv. Satan is really loving the USA these days. We should take ‘ In God we trust’ off our money because its obvious as a nation we do not.
This is one of those situations where someone accidentally says something reasonable for wholly unreasonable reasons. Yes, we should in fact remove God from our money. But simply because he doesn’t belong there at all. Not everyone trusts in god, and our money should reflect that.

And if there is a Satan, I hope he does love the USA. God’s an asshole, and, as Bill Hicks said, at least Satan fucking jams.

Sabrina Akins · Top Commenter · Administrative at Federal Contractor

Not everyone follows your version of Diety.And I thank the Lord & Lady everyday I live in a country where that is the case.

Horest Alers · Top Commenter

Unfortunately yes. But God ( Jesus ) is God and his word is true whether you believe it or not.

As Sabrina is unfortunately learning, arguing with a god-humper is like arguing with a broken calculator. You could try carefully explaining to it that what it says is wrong, but when you push its buttons it’ll just spew out the same bullshit without any regard to what you just said, because that’s all it knows how to do.

David Bell · Top Commenter · Ashburn, Virginia

Such a sad, sad day in the U.S.

Jesus fuck. I actually had to wipe huge crocodile tears off my screen after reading that one. Yes, David, it’s so sad that people you don’t know and who’ll have no effect on you will have the same rights as you. Sad, sad, sad.

Joshua Hoyle · A Beka Academy Homeschool

First off, i would like to scold the Hetrosexuals and the Christians who have acted foolishly and unkindly to homosexuals in this conversation. Yes, the truth must be pointed out, but dont forget that all men are equally depraved, because at our core being we are most wicked (some just have decided to cultivate their depravity a little more than others). Concerning homosexuality: One, It does in fact, uproot the establishment of the home. A simple study of History will prove this. Two, It does decrease comfortable, vibrant living in the long run (again, a simple study of history will explain this). Three, I would like to ask a homosexual one question: Have you ever in your lifetime experienced or seen any form of sexual promiscuity, or a form of abuse, whether sexual or emotional (i.e., an abusive father [sexually and/or violently], absent father, sexually promiscuous father, angry father, uncaring father)? Four, Homosexuality is Biblically described as Sodomy. If you are Homosexual and you still believe the Bible is true, please, look into the Scriptures and understand that that is no way of living, and that it is in fact, sin.
Read Romans one, read the Law (the Pentateuch), or look at history and you will see that all societies that embraced that lifestyle crumbled at an alarming pace. Acient Rome, for example, decreased in morality first; it then decayed in its Leadership and National strength. I care about God’s creation, mankind. I care about all homosexuals; therefore i cannot allow my fellow man be decieved. Look to your Creator, men.

Another comment that starts out looking almost vaguely like something a sane person might call reasonable, but then rapidly plunges into a morass of madness and inanity. The god-humper’s brain is like poor Sisyphus, forever doomed to push the boulder of an idea up the mountain of reason, and just when it looks like he might reach the top–WHAM! The boulder falls back and disappears into the depths of stupidity, where the beleaguered brain must sadly follow to retrieve it.

A student of history can easily see where Joshua’s thinking falls apart. It was actually after the Roman Empire was converted to Christianity that things really began to go south with them. “Morals” had less to do with it than bad planning and leadership, anyways. And many civilizations, such as ancient Greece, were thriving during a time when homosexuality was quite commonplace. There is no evidence from history that homosexuality does any damage to a civilization.

But then, who needs evidence when you’ve got so many people to hate and disparage?

Juxtaposition

WorldNetDaily (WND) may not always come right out and say it, but they have ways to let you know where they stand. These two articles were posted right next to each other in their “Faith” section today:

Hitler was a Catholic who invoked Jesus' name in Mein Kampf. Gays were persecuted in the Holocaust, like Jews. Therefore, Christians are associated with persecuting both gays and Jews. Therefore, Christians get a bad name and people criticize them. Therefore, Christians are the real victims.

Hitler was a Catholic who invoked Jesus’ name in Mein Kampf. Gays were persecuted in the Holocaust, like Jews. Jews support gays, which is an opinion different from Christians’ opinion, and one which happens to involve two groups of Holocaust victims.  Therefore, Christians are associated with persecuting both gays and Jews. Therefore, Christians get a bad name and people criticize them. Therefore, Christians are the real victims.

Good thing they underlined Christians and put “gay” in scare quotes, just in case the juxtaposition wasn’t clear enough. WingNutDaily knows who the REAL victims of the Holocaust were! You just gotta read between the scare quoted underlines.

The comments on the ‘Jews’ article make things even more clear.

signsofthetimes8888 • 

The serious question is how can any person who professes to believe in God also support gay marriage? This is absolute nonsense. Another question is are these polls correct? If most Americans don’t know about how polls are altered, fabricated, rigged, how they are used for propaganda, and how they are used to push the liberal lunatic agenda then America is a country of pure stupid. Supposedly of all races it was the Jews who came out in an extraordinarily large percentage to vote for the current dictator in chief Obozo. So if all of this is true then American Jews are just shooting themselves in the foot and if this is true then they don’t bare much resemblance to the Jews of Israel….

Nottolate • 

“76 percent of US Jews support legalizing same-sex marriage”

Looks like they still haven’t learned their lesson. Not that they are authentic Jews anyway.

DvoraChesed

In America, “Jews” and “Liberals” are nearly interchangeable terms.
There are many exceptions of course, but not nearly enough.
It is a sad truism that Jews embrace liberalism to the point of being suicidal.

sikhed DvoraChesed • 

From reading the Old Testament, and also seeing how they’ve been treated historically, a real Jew would/should be quite conservative.

They’re not Real Jews ™. They’re those fake American Jews, who aren’t nearly as Jewy as those authentic Israeli Jews. (Except that gay marriage is gaining ground in Israel too–oops!) We know the Israeli Jews are real Jews because they kill more Arabs than those fake, gay American Jews. We’re WingNutDaily; our readers are smart and observant and totally not racist.

All the kewl kids are bigots

Hey, kewl kids! I’m hep wit da lingo, yo, and I wanna tell you dudes about all the krunk shiznit my dawg Jesus be doin’, yo! If you wanna be da Big Dawg, you gotta be down wit da Lynch Mawb, yo! Word to yo’ mama, bitch! Those whack liberals be trippin, yo, if they ain’t down wit da rope, dawgz! Lynchin’ nigs iz DA BOMB, y’all! Jesus loves lynching, homies!

I presume the above wasn’t enough to convince anybody that lynching is the hip, cool thing to do. I presume this because I don’t think people are utter morons who need to be lead around like sheep. But that’s because I’m not Christian.

Basically any time society decides that some practice is a backwards, cruel relic of a more ignorant time that should be abandoned, someone will come along to try to make it “cool” again. I can’t imagine how it could ever work, and know of no instance where it has, but making outdated, boring, bigoted crap out to be the hip cool thing is a common pass time amongst conservatives who just can’t deal with the fact that society (like almost everything else) changes over time, but also don’t want to be viewed as a complete fossil by the under-30 crowd.

Enter this douche-toaster:

His name is Doug Giles, and unfortunately he’s not nearly as cool as that other Giles, despite being much younger. No, this Giles is senior pastor at Clash Church (apparently Rob Liefeld consulted on the name). This is how he describes himself at his TownHall.com profile:

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at ClashDaily.com. Watch him on ClashTV. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. And check out his NEW BOOK, Sandy Hook: When Seconds Count, Police Are Minutes Away.

“Big Dawg”. Jesus titty balls, do I hate these guys. The “hip” preachers, the ones who try to make Christianity out to be something other than the outdated, irrelevant superstition that it is.  When I was a kid and my parents forced me to go to church, our youth group was subjected to endless amounts of simpering, pandering horseshit from these types, and endless amounts of inane praise “music” cynically designed to mimic modern pop music without any of that nasty nuance or originality or creativity. These guys are an utterly empty marketing ploy more ill conceived, out-of-touch and downright cringe-inducing than McDonalds’ infamous I’d Hit It campaign. Honestly, I’d rather listen to one of the stodgy old preachers and the classic hymns than have to spend five minutes around one of these types.

Religion is not, nor will it ever be, hip. It’s not cool. It’s not edgy. It’s not. It’s just not. Religion is everything old and backwards and boring and patronizing. It’s the apotheosis of the status quo, the lionization of the imagined past, the bulwark against which anything new or progressive or challenging or groundbreaking must contend. Religion is Spam, station wagons, public lynchings and “Damn kids get off my lawn” all rolled up into one big, greasy, hypocritical wad of irrational dogma. Wearing sunglasses and calling yourself “dawg” won’t change that. You’re not hip. You’re lame. Deal with it.

But of course, he won’t. Rather, he’ll write insufferable op-eds at Town Hall full of hamfisted humor and confabulated coolness to try to convince the millennial generation that all the kewl kids want to interfere with gay peoples’ relationships.

The other day I was on a radio show being interviewed about my new Sandy Hook Massacre book when the conversation turned to gay marriage. I’m sitting there thinking, “Huh?” … “I didn’t sign up to talk about gay marriage” … “Good Lord, man, I’d rather watch Yoko Ono do an interpretive dance to “Riders on the Storm” then yap about two big lesbians wanting to get hitched.”

Huh huh. It’s funny ’cause they’re fat. And gay. Gayfat is funny. Huh huh.

Number One. Before I directly address the gay marriage issue, allow me to state that I care more about the $16.7 trillion in debt that our nation’s mired in, our evaporating Bill of Rights and national security issues than I do whether or not Brad and Chad can be betrothed. Call me selfish and ill focused.

Okay. You’re selfish and ill focused.  Talking about gay marriage doesn’t stop you from also talking about other (real or imagined) problems. And the fact that you’re writing an entire article on gay marriage makes me suspect that your claim that you don’t want to talk about it is disingenuous at the very least. But more importantly, the reason you don’t want to talk about it is that you want to be able to outlaw someone’s basic rights without ever having to justify your actions to the public. You don’t want to talk about it because it’s easier to oppress a minority when no one talks about them. So, yes, you’re selfish and ill focused. You’re also an assfuck.

In addition, I told my host that, as long as we have men and women in harms way who have to ration food, fuel and ammo due to the sequestration, I don’t give a rat’s backside about gay marriage. I’m so mean, eh?

Listen, right wing nuts. We need to get something straight. Do you, or do you not, support budget cuts? It seems like you’re always asking for them, but then when they come (along with the loss of jobs that always coincides with budget cuts) you suddenly start bitching and moaning about how horrible budget cuts are.

You got what you asked for. The government slashed the budget. People lost their jobs as a result. This is what you wanted. Stop fucking crying about it.

With that said, I went on to inform Mr. Radio Show Host, that if he really wants to get down to brass tacks regarding where I stand on the gay marriage issue, well then, here it is: I am against gay marriage, especially Liza Manelli’s former marriage to David Getz. That was the gayest thing that I have ever seen in my life and it should have never happened.

Sigh… This is just getting tedious.

Not knowing why he was so interested in the gay marriage debacle I asked him, “Why do you care? Do you want to marry a man or something? Do you think you got a shot at Ryan Seacrest?” He was speechless.

“Speechless” is the hip new lingo for this:

https://i2.wp.com/fc09.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/330/2/a/Facepalm_by_iceman_3567.jpg

As our segment was wrapping up I told him if he wanted someone on his show that’s a staunch supporter of gay marriage then he should invite on some divorce lawyers because they can’t wait for the gay marriages to get a-crankin’.

That’s funny, seeing as divorce lawyers tend to be busiest in states like Oklahoma, where gay marriage is illegal and churches are more common than Starbucks and red dirt. (I don’t say this to demean Oklahoma–I love my home state. I just wish it didn’t contain so many hypocrites and morons.)

In all seriousness, I’m kind of torn on the gay marriage issue

How long is this “seriousness” thing going to last?

I’m split between Ted Nugent’s take on homo-matrimony and Jesus Christ’s opinion on the issue.

Not even one sentence, I see.

Nugent told me a few years back that he didn’t mind gay marriage if: A). We didn’t call it marriage. B). We didn’t have to pay for it via our tax dollars and C). it was only between two good-looking lesbians.

This is why A) nobody gives a fuck about Nugent, B) I wish our tax dollars didn’t go to either of his two marriages (but nobody ever asked me–at least he only married 2 out of the 4 women he’s had children with…), and C) telling the same joke for a 1,067th time doesn’t make it funny.

Hmmm. Interesting, Uncle Ted but what would Jesus do? What’s Christ’s take on the gay marriage conundrum?

No, let’s go back to Nugent. I can almost take him seriously.

I’d like to know because, as a Christian, I probably ought to listen more to Jesus than to the “Motor City Mad” man on such a serious issue, right? Right.

Wrong. You shouldn’t listen to either of them.

According to Matthew 19:4-6 Jesus said, many moons ago when He was walking the mean streets of Galilee, that marriage is a union that God ordained between a man and a woman. He said it. I didn’t. So, if you’re going to get pissy then take it up with the Son of God.

How ’bout I take it up with the bloviating frat boy douchenozzle insisting that I should give a fuck about what this alleged “Son of God” had to say at all?

Now, I would remind those who supposedly take their cue from Jesus that there were gay dudes and dudettes around Him in His day.

Ugh. Just ugh. You are not hip, motherfucker. Stop trying. I’m only 31, and already I’m old enough to know better than to try and talk this way. Just give it up, “dawg”.

It’s not like homosexuality just started showing up during Liberace’s lifetime.

Holy shit balls! Liberace was gay! That’s such a clever pop culture reference!

Gays have been around since the dawn of man. Matter of fact, I think that was the name of the first gay rock band.

Can we please just go back to Ted Nugent? He’s a piece of shit and all, but at least he’s unintentionally funny sometimes. This shit is just becoming intolerable.

Indeed, several cities such as Sodom and Gomorrah celebrated homosexuality, as did ancient Greece and Rome. By the way, what ever happened to those cities and cultures?

They declined, as all cultures eventually do. The decline had nothing to do with homosexuality. In fact, the Roman Empire’s decline actually coincided with its widespread acceptance of Christianity. Not that you care about stupid, uncool things like facts.

The God of Love said, by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, in the midst of a culture that contained gays, that when it comes down to what constitutes a marriage in God’s eyes, well … that would be a union that is fundamentally betwixt a guy and a girl.

Lo, doth he bravely proclaim the majority opinion in a society where a minority doth have the temerity to exist! And in public!

But then again … what does Jesus know? Heck … He can’t be smarter than a postmodern twenty-something, can He? Surely, He’s not keener than a radical Leftist. Jesus couldn’t have been shrewder than say, Rosie O’Donnell when it comes to the divine pattern prescribed for the continuity of God’s created order for humanity, right? Huh?

He was certainly not as smart as Thomas Jefferson, and yet Jefferson owned slaves. The man was a product of his times, and no matter how smart he was, he was still wrong on many issues. There’s no reason to think Jesus had any special insights on sexual politics in the 21st century; just like Socrates, smart as he may have been, is not a very good source for erudition on modern geopolitics. And what the fuck is “the divine pattern prescribed for the continuity of God’s created order for humanity”? Theology seems to give people this weird predilection for lapsing into laughable prolixity whenever they want to say something like “Fuck fags” or “Bitches need to get back in the kitchen.”

So, what do you guys think? Was Jesus out to lunch on what constitutes a marriage in God’s eyes or what?

Yes. His lunch was penis.

With all that said, how effectively is Doug Giles reaching America’s youth? Let’s look at some comments on his op-ed…

Ann Anon Wrote: 12 minutes ago (8:57 PM)

 Imagine; in the 50’s I stopped some of my girlfriends from speculating on the relationship between our girl team’s two coaches who were ah, roommates and the subject of homosexuality. A suspicion like that would get them both fired. I told them it was a terrible thing to accuse two nice ladies of without any more proof than a lease in common. They agreed and never mentioned it again. I thought I was really brave to stand up to my fellow students. And now in the year 2013 that makes me a homophobe.
I see he’s locked in the crucial Under 80 demographic.
Georgetwin-In-Pa Wrote: 2 hours ago (6:57 PM)

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!The FAT PIG, Rosie O’Doughnuts is ALREADY divorced!!!http://www.ihatethemedia.com/rosie-odonnell-kelli-carpenter
Bwahahaha! That totally validates Nugent’s multiple marriages!
uvuvuv Wrote: 3 hours ago (5:41 PM)

if the gays are so wildly accepted, where are the movies? the silly comedy romances? if they were truly so accepted the theaters would have lines 2 blocks long for the gay loves gay movies. so far all we had was broken back mountain. one movie.
The pop culture knowledge is strong with this crowd. I’d tell them about my favorite gay movie, Room in Rome, but I’m having trouble shouting over the gigantic erection I get every time I watch it.
uvuvuv Wrote: 3 hours ago (5:36 PM)

gays are mutants and i think if we throw society over to them we might as well have 6 fingers pride parades or spinal bifida studies in the public schools starting with kindergarten. churches can welcome their new cystic fibrosis members, and the muscular dystrophy legation can petition for acceptance in the nba. after all, fair is fair.
Dear Doug Giles,
This is your audience. You brought this on yourself.
Sincerely,
Wes
P.S. Go fuck yourself.

The Titanic Gets a New Captain

A group of aging, superstitious partriarchs guilty of covering thousands of child rapes all over the world just elected a new leader. Why is this news? Because people don’t pay attention. Case in point, the new guy’s agenda…

A Vatican spokesman says Francis will be a reformer, and will call the church “back to basics.”

It would be nice if “basics” included not molesting kids and treating gays and women fairly. But somehow I suspect it’s more along the lines of “keep the bitches in their place and make sure the fags are miserable.” It would be nice if world leaders noticed the same things that I do about the Church, but such is not the case.

Meanwhile, Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has congratulated Pope Francis a native Argentine and expressed hope that he will work toward justice, equality and peace for all.

How plausible is this hope? Wait for it…

As we noted earlier, the new pope has clashed with the Argentine government over his opposition to gay marriage and free distribution of contraceptives.

Shock! Horror! He’s just like everyone else in the Catholic leadership. I can’t believe that the Pope is a crusty old bigot who’s just gonna fuck up other people’s lives. It’s only been that way with every other Pope ever in the history of Popery!

When is the rest of the world going to realize that the Catholic Church isn’t going to change, and  stop treating them like they have even a modicum of legitimate authority? The Catholic Church should be treated like the fossilized remains of human civilization that they are. They should be ignored, except when they do something evil like rape a kid, in which case they should be hunted down like dogs and put on trial and imprisoned like any normal criminal. And the election of a new Pope shouldn’t be any more newsworthy than the KKK electing a new Exalted Cyclops.*

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*Yes, that’s a real rank in the KKK. And yes, it sounds more like something a douchebag classicist would name his penis.