Do you like watching movies about gladiators?

Well, let’s see here. I’m just gonna dig through some of the shitty right wing blogs I check from time to time and see what idiotic fucknugget pops up. Haven’t been to The American “Thinker” in a while, might as well see what they’re up to. Hmmm… What’s this?

The Gladiator: Sarah Palin, We Need You Back in the Arena

By Lloyd Marcus

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Hello, calling Sarah Palin!  Has anyone seen her?  Where is she?  Has Sarah Palin left the building?  Is the Palin magic gone forever?

You haven’t seen her because you’ve got your TV permanently tuned to Fox News, your only source of information, and they canned her ass. [See UPDATE below.]

No.  The Palin charisma and mass appeal are still alive and well.

Is “mass appeal” another one of those terms that means something totally different to godbots than it does to the rest of the universe?

Certain people are born gifted with “It” — something that compels you to watch them.

Please note that this mystical “It” also applies to Honey Boo Boo.

Sarah Palin is one such individual.  Though politically tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail by the left and a few spineless Republicans, I pray for the day when my favorite gladiator Sarah Palin returns to the arena.

I can never hear the word “gladiator” without thinking about this. And now I wish Sarah Palin would just move to Australia so they have to deal with her shit and we can be left in peace.

Unquestionably, the vitriolic attacks on Palin and her family, the betrayals by Republicans and associates left Palin severely wounded.  Who among us could endure and survive the full weight of the MSM launched to destroy you?  It is quite understandable and reasonable for Palin to say, Forget this.  Todd and I are goin’ fishin’.

Let me interject: The WELL DESERVED vitriolic attacks. Some people fully deserve to be ruthlessly mocked and ridiculed, and Sarah Palin joined that club the moment she first opened her big, stupid mouth in public.

But, the Bible says, to whom much is given, much is required.

Something tells me you’ll be conveniently forgetting about this Bible verse very soon…

While Palin has not reported seeing a burning bush,

That’s understandable. Not many people would want to publicly announce they have crabs.

At the moment, there is no one on the national stage who inspires the masses to follow and act on their convictions like Palin.

No one does it like her. Mostly in the sense that a dried up catfish with a pencil stuck through it would do a better job of it than she has.

Please allow me to share my personal testimony of the “Palin Effect.”

She gave you crabs?

From inside our Tea Party Express tour bus, as we approached the site, I saw seniors parked a mile away, making their way to the event using walkers.  It gave me goosebumps.  Obviously, this woman, Sarah Palin, represented the America they loved and feared was slipping away.

That reminds me of another Bible verse that Christians like to forget whenever it’s convenient.

Despite all of the scandals, lies, outrageous government overreaches, and abuses of our civil liberties under this administration, Obama still gets a pass in the minds of far too many ill-informed Americans.  Decades of dumbing down students have produced exactly what the left wants: sheep totally dependent on government, clueless regarding U.S. history and the cost and value of freedom.

The only way to stop dumbing down America is to elect the dumbest politician to run for office since Orgg the caveman accidentally castrated himself while running for Chief Rock Stacker.

And you don’t get to call other people sheep while writing a fucking sycophantic puff piece about Palin with a barely concealed boner.

So Obama can ignore the Constitution and do whatever he pleases as long as the food stamps, disability checks, welfare checks, and free phones keep coming.  Under Obama, an unprecedented half of the country are eating, talking on their phones, and driving without working for it — a Democratic party dream come true.

There we go repeating that same fucking bullshit lie that Romney inflicted on the world last year. There are lies, then there are damned lies, then there’s typical Religious Right talking points.

And seriously, eating? You object to them EATING? You’d rather poor people just starve? Along with their children? Hell, the godhumpers get more vile every day.

Anyways, this whole paragraph is just gonna go down the memory hole, because in the very next paragraph…

I asked friends at dinner, “How did Ronald Reagan win in a landslide touting Conservatism?  Jerry Falwell and his Moral Majority was said to have figured in the mix.  Americans, for the most part, are a moral and just people.

You just called half of Americans dirty freeloading bastards for the sin of not starving. And now you’re saying most Americans are moral? Do I need to explain to you what the word “most” means?

I was a 20-something black kid from the East Baltimore projects back then.  I knew nothing about politics.  All I knew was that every time I heard President Reagan speak, I felt good about my country and myself.  Reagan made me feel I could achieve and contribute to this wonderful country, in which I was blessed to be born, called America.

So you were utterly ignorant, but Reagan made you feel all warm and fucking fuzzy inside, and that was all you needed to vote for him. How, exactly, is it our side that’s dumbing the country down?

Oh, and by the way–YOU LIVED IN THE PROJECTS??? As in public housing? As in paid for by tax dollars? And you have the fucking gall to tell poor people today to starve rather than get a little assistance?

GO.

FUCK.

YOURSELF.

Where are the voices inspiring folks to love and contribute to the greatness of their country?  I know, I know.  Such talk sounds corny and naïve today.  In Obama’s America, signing up for government assistance and approving of government confiscating the earnings of high achievers for redistribution is the new definition of compassion and patriotism.

Hey, remember that Bible verse about how to whom much is given, much is required? No? Didn’t think so.

We need a hero, folks — someone willing to stand up for America, boldly waving our flag and touting the virtues of hard work, self-reliance, family, God, and country.

We’ve already got a fuckton of those hypocritical, jingoistic shitbiscuits running around. We don’t need any more.

I believe that Sarah Palin can pull it off.

No need to be so up front about it. I already knew you wanted her to jerk you off.

Reading my own words sound a bit corny even to me.

You are so motherfucking far beyond corny that the light from corny would take a million years to reach you.

Sarah Palin, please come back.  Run for office.  We long to cheer you on as our gladiator in the arena.

Plus it would be comedy gold.

________________________________

UPDATE (6/19/13): Well, she was canned until a few days ago when Fox News inexplicably brought her back. Un-fucking-believable. We just can’t get rid of this ass-barnacle of a human being. It seems that some malevolent force is determined to keep her hideous face in the news to torture all right-thinking people in perpetuity. However, we can find some solace in this excellent Daily Show episode.

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Incompetent and Malicious

The saying goes, “Don’t assume malice when incompetence will suffice.” But there are times when both apply, and Victoria Jackson is the paragon of what happens when you marry stupidity and hatred. Which is exactly why I chose to check in on her blog. Let’s see what she has to say…

At the gym today, I plugged my ear phones into the state-of-the-art-Elliptical machine and the only news channel out of the 23 TV’s hanging from the ceiling, was CNN. So, I watched the enemy. It’s fun to see how they distort things, to watch their blatant propaganda.

It’s also, fun to, put commas-and-hyphens where, they don’t belong.,-

I’m sure some CNNies don’t know they are propagandists. They were the kids in high school who copied the captain of the cheerleader’s hairdo without asking questions. 12″ beehive. 12″ beehive. Side bangs in your eye. Side bangs in your eye. No questions asked. They are pod people. They have no soul, so they copy whatever they believe is the “in” thing. Some of the CNNies know they are brainwashing the ignorant masses.

This is totally unrelated: Saturday Night Live is the most overrated and unfunny show on television, and comedians who join the cast do it solely because they think it’s a cool show that the good comedians do. And they think that if they go on it they’ll be stars, but most SNL alumni just become hacks.

That has nothing to do with Victoria Jackson’s pathetic tenure on SNL and her subsequent irrelevance in the world of comedy. She totally has a soul and shit.

Suddenly, the gym CNN is blasting a story of how a homosexual man is helping other homosexuals adopt children. He speaks about the personal, passionate sacrifice of his time for this cause as if he were Mother Theresa. I’m appalled. Homosexuals-adopting-children is child abuse. No, it’s pedophilia and sexual molestation. Teaching a young mind, a clean slate, an innocent soul that homosexuality is a natural, normal and moral lifestyle is evil. How is gay adoption different from the recently jailed Penn State Jerry Sandusky, child molester case?

…I suspect that this is one of those questions that you aren’t really expecting an answer for.

To top it all off, CNN called the segment, “Heroes!” CNN said if you want to submit someone as a hero, go to Heroes.com.  I think Benjamin Smith risking his life as a Navy Seal in Iraq is a hero, or my husband the cop, risking his life every day for 30 years to catch bad guys is a hero, not a gay man making out with his “partner” in front of his poor, adopted foster child, who is held hostage and forced to watch the pornography.

The homophobe’s vision of gay life is much kinkier than the actual thing. That says more about the homophobe than it does about the homosexual. In Victoria Jackson’s mind, a gay couple suck each other off in the living room while their kids watch Sesame Street. Her mind is much dirtier than anything going on in gay homes.

With all the TV shows, Modern Family, Glee, etc., and today’s Huff Po video of straight guys kissing at Chick Fil A “to make a statement,” I’m getting really tired of the topic. And then, my husband tells me an Army Brigadiere General brought her wife to her promotion ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery! What?! A wife can’t have a wife?! Who’s the insane person here? Is this a Twilight Zone episode?

I can’t tell if that’s a question or an exclamation?! I’m also pretty sure you misspelled “brigadier”?!

As for who’s the insane person here, I’m pretty sure it’s the hateful bitch who calls people “Twilight Zone” simply because they’re living a lifestyle different from her own. On the right wing that’s pretty much all it takes to be “insane”–just be different than what the person flapping his/her jaw is used to.

Seriously?! So, there was a parade with transvestites, and men in leather straps holding giant, rubber, anatomically correct genitals as props, swishing next to our uniformed military out in the street?!

Ummm… So now we know what Victoria Jackson jills off to in her free time… I wish I’d never known that. Seriously?!

And THEN… the Democratic Party announces, “DEMOCRATIC PLATFORM SUPPORTS SAME-SEX MARRIAGE”  Why isn’t anyone freaking out?

If you had even an ounce of self-awareness, I’d think that was an attempt at humor.

I wish I could forget about the social issues and focus only on the economic issues. I try. But, it’s impossible. Every issue comes down to what you believe is right and wrong.

This is a relatively new refrain from the Republican alternate universe, and it’s revealing. It’s becoming obvious that the real power brokers in the Republican party (i.e. those who have the money) are growing increasingly uncomfortable with the “movement conservatism” base that the party has been riding since Nixon’s southern strategy. The petty-minded, bible-babbling, homophobic, creationist bigots that have been this party’s bread and butter for 4 decades, but it comes with a cost. The party’s image has suffered, and people often perceive them as backwards, ignorant, out of touch, and just plain creepy.

This creates a dilemma–how do you keep the dumbfuck rubes on your side while not alienating those who don’t believe that buttsex will usher in the Apocalypse (by which I mean, normal human beings)? The answer they seem to have settled on is to claim that they don’t really care about abortion and homosexuality, and would rather just focus on “economic issues” (i.e. making the rich richer), but it keeps getting forced on them. This is a totally disingenuous move on their part, but I also take it as a positive sign. My guess is that the Republican power brokers really would like to move away from prayer in schools, homophobia, anti-evolutionism, anti-abortionism, etc. That’s a good thing. But I don’t know if they can ever fully abandon these issues, seeing as they’ve whipped up their base to the point where they think the very fate of the world depends on keeping schlongs out of buttholes and teaching children that reading the Bible is a science experiment.

Jane Lynch just announced publicly, “F**K Chick Fil-A!” I publicly stood up for Chick-Fil-A, and I don’t use the F word.  Jane believes her morals are just and loving. I believe my morals are just and loving.  We can’t both be right.

Fuck no, you can’t.

Jane’s the one who’s right, by the way.

The lines are clearly drawn. Which side are you on? Or, are you one of those people who say nothing and sit on the fence, the “moderate,” the lukewarm? Jesus said in Rev. 3:15, “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I vomit you out of My mouth.” Pastors who preach nothing.  People who won’t put a sign in their yard, or a bumper sticker on their car. Christians who don’t vote.

I gotta admit, the image of Jesus vomiting is a rather bizarre choice for inspiring religious extremism. I bet Jesus’ puke smells like fish.

A guy on my airplane last week wore a T shirt that said, “One Nation…under surveillance.” Bravo for speaking up.

Pretty sure he was talking about the Patriot Act, honey. But you just keep thinking everything is about fags.

Just like the fable, The Emperor’s New Clothes, I feel like everyone is lining the street, bowing to the Emperor and telling him, “You are our great leader! You have saved our economy! And you are right, “Christian” Emperor, homosexuality is normal!”

If you keep fingering yourself over naked gay guys I’m gonna pull a Jesus and barf all over my keyboard.

I say, “He hates America. We are in an economic crises he has purposefully made worse and homosexuality is not normal.”

Well, you do say a lot of really stupid shit.

The people look at me with disdain, “Hush! You are hateful!”

I would never tell you to hush.  Where would I find my entertainment if you stopped flapping your dumb, hateful jaw?

“But he’s not a Christian, he’s a Communist! It’s so obvious! …’spread the wealth,’ and, the Bible says homosexuality is a sin.”

Okay, you’re just randomly stringing together non-thoughts at this point. Is your blog entry actually going anywhere?

The people and CNN spit on me and walk away. I see a few faces across the street with spit on their faces. I am not alone.

Oh, poor wittle you.

The lines are clearly drawn now:

Obama and his czars hold up Tyranny.

Romney/Ryan shout, “Liberty!”

Obama and his Greenies say, “Wind/solar.”

Romney/Ryan/common sense say, “Drill, baby, drill here!”

O says, “Make America a third world country.”

Romney/Ryan say, “U.S. is exceptional!”

O says, “One World Socialism.”

Romney/Ryan says, “Socialism fails every time.”

Obama and the Democrats applaud homosexuality.

Romney/Ryan shout, “Traditional Marriage!”

Obama and the Progressives bribe, “Free Stuff for all.”

Romney/Ryan affirm, “Balance the Budget.”

Obama and the Communists offer slavery to the poor.

Romney/Ryan offer opportunity to the poor.

Congratulations, you’ve somehow managed to get the platforms of both candidates entirely wrong while simultaneously regurgitating more brainless boilerplate catchphrases than should ever be together on one page in any just universe. And someone please tell the right wing nutbags that the Cold War is over already. Next thing you know they’ll be protesting the Norman invasion.

(*Biden says nothing. He was forbidden to open his mouth. He applies to Ringling Brothers for a job as a clown.)

Can’t argue with you there. I guess that in 1100 words you were bound to say something true at some point.

Can any American really be on the fence anymore?

Where does it end? Sodom and Gomorrah burnt up.

Jude 1:7 In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.

But you’re not hateful. Oh, no. There’s nothing hateful about threatening gays with fire. That’s just some good old fashioned Christian love right there.

In the end, what have we learned from Victoria Jackson’s hateful, barely coherent rant? We’ve learned that social conservatism holds a special appeal for those who have particularly addled and disconnected thought processes. An incoherent mind is much more comfortable as long as all incoming information remains familiar and unchallenging. When something comes in that disrupts the comforting status quo, it reacts with hostility. Unable to actually formulate a response on its own, it borrows from others and vomits up catchy bromides about its own familiar affiliations and hateful slanders about the perceived threats. Victoria Jackson certainly fits this bill. She knows how to repeat platitudes she’s heard from others, but little else.

It’s sad. I hate SNL, but I actually liked UHF. Although, to be honest, she’s the most bland and forgettable character in the film, so fuck her.