Fucking Magnets, How Do They Work?

There are crackpots, and then there are people who go far beyond crack and shatter the pot so intensely that no two molecules of pot remain connected. That latter type of crazy aptly describes Chibuihem Amalaha, who has disproven gay marriage using…magnets.

So, who is this Chibuihem Amalaha fellow?

I was the first to publish report about the 2006 total solar eclipse in the newspaper in Nigeria when I was writing for the defunct New Age newspaper. I also reported the true situation about the 2010 acid rain in Nigeria. I carried out analysis and found out that there was nothing like cancer of the skin attributed to the acid rain and by 2011, I emerged the best science reporter in Nigeria where I won Nigeria Media Merit Award in the energy category as a science editor with Compass newspapers.” He continued: “Ever since then I have been doing a lot of researches in the country. There are many discoveries and inventions I have made in science and technology. I have also been able to prove that the mathematical symbol pi which people thought of as 22 over 7 is not actually 22 over , but  rather a transcendental number while 22 over 7 is a rational number. I also proved that watching television in the dark impacts negatively on one’s eyes and by God’s grace, I was the first person to use scientific instruments to prove it in the whole world. The Nigerian Television Authority (NTA) featured me on this in one of their programmes on January 12, 2013, where I demonstrated to millions of their viewers that watching television in the dark damages the eyes. Usually when it’s around 10pm, many families in Nigeria will switch off their surrounding lights to use the light from television or the light from computer alone thinking that they will see images brighter. But from experiments I found that it’s not true and experts both at the University of Lagos and elsewhere have found my work to be true. The reason for this is because there is a lot of difference in illuminants (brightness) between the television screen and the dark background in the room known as the periphery,” Amalaha said.

Yup. Sounds trustworthy. I mean, you can always trust a “scientist” who refers to lumens as “illuminants”, right? It’s like going to a dentist who calls your teeth “those bitey things.” I can’t imagine what could go wrong. (And who the fuck ever said pi was 22/7?)

Anyways, on to the scourge of gay marriage!

“A recent publication on May 3, 2013 shows that France is the 14th country in the world that have legalised gay. I asked myself why should a man be marrying a man and a woman marrying a woman, does it mean that there is no more female for a man to marry or there is no more male for a woman to marry?

If men marry men, and women marry women, then there are no more men or women; therefore, no one lives in France. Given that France has a population of something like 64,000,000, I think there might be a flaw in your logic there, Buck-O.

And recently, Britain told Nigeria to legalise gay marriage of forfeit international aid. I thank God for our lawmakers who refused to sign the bill legalising gay marriage. And so God gave me the wisdom to use science as a scientist to prove gay marriage wrong.

Science! As a scientist! She blinded me with science as a scientist! Now you cannot get gay married as a gay!

“In the area of physics, I used physics with experiments, I used chemistry with experiments, I used biology with experiments and I used mathematics to prove gay marriage wrong.

I’m getting these hilarious mental images of busy little worker bee Amalaha puttering around his lab randomly mixing chemicals and flipping switches on and off while visions of Nobel Prizes dance in his head–and everyone else in the lab just shakes their head and turns away from the pathetic spectacle.

“To start with, physics is one of the most fundamentals of all the sciences and  I used two bar magnets in my research.

Gay.

A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man.

The right wing, after declaring that blastocysts and corporations are people, are now hopping on the Magnets Are People bandwagon. We’re all fucking doomed.

Even in physics when you study what is called electrostatics, you found that when you rub particles together they don’t attract each other but when you rub particle in another medium they will attract each other.

You’re invited to rub my particles, you ignorant son of a bitch.

That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong.

“Next I’ll use geology to prove that my wife is totally wrong about my impotence.  Devil’s Tower, here I come!”

But in chemistry I used a simple one known as neutralisation reaction which is a reaction where an acid reacts with a base to give you salt and water. For example, when you bring surphuric acid and you reacts it with sodium hydroxide which is a base you are going to have salt and water.  That tells you that the acid is a different body, the base is a different body and they will react. But if you bring an acid and you pour it on top of an acid chemistry there will be no reaction.  If you bring water and pour it on top it shows that there will be no reaction. If you bring a base either sodium hydroxide and you pour it on top of a sodium hydroxide you find out that there will be reaction showing that a man on top of a man will have no reaction. A woman on top of a woman will have no reaction, that is what chemistry is showing.

I’ve seen some very compelling pornographic evidence to the contrary.

I hope this guy’s wife reads this shit. Next time she doesn’t feel like sex, rather than claiming a headache, she can just pour random chemicals together and say it proves his boner doesn’t exist.

“In biology, I used simple experiments and I came down to a lay man.

Gay.

We have seen that the female of a fowl is called hen and the male of a fowl is called a cock.

Dude, seriously, you’re making this too easy for me.

We have never seen where a cock is having sex with a cock

Yes we have, in both senses of the word.

Now if animals that are of even lower creature understand so much, how come  human being made in the higher image of God that is even of higher creature will be thinking of  a man having sex with another and woman having sex with another woman?

More importantly, what does this say about God?

That shows that it’s a misnomer and when you come to real biological standard, when you see a lady you love there is what is called the follicle stimulating hormone. The follicle stimulating hormone in a man triggers what is called spermatogenesis through your brain which is called hypothalamus.

Wait. You think spermatogenesis takes place in THE BRAIN? Someone’s parents never gave him “the talk”.

The sperm in the man alone doesn’t produce a child and ovary in the female alone does not produce a child, they need each other for reproduction to occur.

So fucking what? Marriage doesn’t always involve reproduction. Duh.

In mathematics which is another core area of science, I used what is called the principle of commutativity and idepotency.

You know what’s sad? There are people out there dumb enough to fall for this shit. He just throws around big, science-y sounding words that anyone with two neurons to rub together knows he doesn’t understand, but somewhere out there is someone who sees words like “spermatogenesis” and “idempotence“–errr, I mean “idepotency”–and “lumens”–errrr, I mean “illuminants”–and immediately thinks, “Ooooo, this here fella’s a smart one!”

Sigh. It makes me sad for humanity.

Commutativity in mathematics is simply the arrangement of numbers or arrangement of letters in which the way you arrange them don’t matter.

Uh…..no. There’s a bit more to it than that.

For example, if you say A + B in mathematics you are going to have B + A. For example, if I say two plus three it will give five. If I start from three, I say three plus two it also give you five showing that two plus three and three plus two are commutative because they gave the same results. That shows that A + B will give you B + A, you see that there is a change. In A + B, A started the journey while in B + A, B started the journey. If we use A as a man and use B as a woman we are going to have B + A that is woman and man showing that there is a reaction. A + B reacted, they interchanged and gave us B + A showing that commutativity obeys that a man should not marry a man and a woman should not marry a woman.

And if you let A be a shaved walrus, and B be that sinking feeling you get when you realize you’ve got diarrhea but the bathroom’s occupied, then you know that marriage can only be between utterly randomly assigned variables and anything can marry anything.

If you use idempotency, it’s a reaction in mathematics where A + A = A. Actually in abstract algebra, A + A =2A but we are less concerned with the numerical value two.

Math doesn’t have reactions. You seem to have confused it with chemistry. And addition is only idempotent for the number 0. You could have just said that. And nothing you are doing is related to abstract algebra, much less fucking gay marriage. You’re a very confused little man, aren’t you?

But in the case of idempotency A + A will give you A showing that it goes unreacted. You started with A and you meet A ,the final result is A. Showing that a man meeting a man A + A will produce a man there is no reaction, it goes unreacted and in chemical engineering you have to send the material back to the reactor for the action to be carried out again showing that it goes unreacted.

Uh, I was just joking about you confusing math and chemistry, but judging by this paragraph…you really can’t tell one from the other, can you?

“If you go on the Internet to check whether there is anybody who has used physics to prove gay marriage wrong, you find out there is none.

Can’t imagine why that might be…

“I want to be able to publish it in international journals. The finance has been a problem in this area because I found out that you you have to pay in dollars for international journals to publish you. You know finance is a factor and I don’t have money to start paying in US dollars and I need sponsors so that I can pay for the journals to be published.”

Pony up, fundies! You know you can’t get that idiotic bogus science you love so much if you don’t fork over a little dough.

“Nigerian sector does not encourage scientific research so much but what God has given me I am using it effectively to touch Nigerian nation. All the scientific researches I have been doing  have not yielded any encouragement to do more.

Speaking about his ambition, Amalaha after taking a deep breath said “My ambition is to go beyond the sky. I want to reach the level God has destined me to reach. I want to be the first African to win Nobel Prize in science because as I am talking to you now African has ever won Nobel Prize in science.

I hate to break it to you, but I don’t see a Nobel in your future. A paid gig on Fox News on the other hand…

Today, I used science to prove that Amalaha is an Amalaha. I dropped a glass. By gravitationalism, it acceleratronimated to the groundination and enbrokenified. It was very stupid. Amalaha is the glass. What an idiot!

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Comic Relief: Satan’s back, bitches!

Welcome to Comic Relief #7. To see the earlier installments of Comic Relief, go to the Comic Relief Index.

I said in Part 3a of my Lady Satan series that Lady Satan appeared only in reprints in 1943 and 1944. However, as it turns out, I was wrong! There was at least one other original appearance of Lady Satan, in her old non-powered, Nazi-fighting persona, in 1943. This appearance was in Hello Pal Comics #1, in January 1943. (Are we serious with that fucking title?)

The cover is…interesting…

My creepy green eyes and child molester smile are sure to sell a lot of comics!

My creepy green eyes and child molester smile are sure to sell a lot of comics!

As I keep reading Gold Age comic books, I’m continually reminded of just how different comics were back in the day. As far as I can tell, Mickey Rooney has nothing to do with this comic. They just put his big goofy mug on the cover because…He’s motherfucking Mickey Rooney, that’s why.

Anyways, yes, this comic has another Lady Satan story in it! And here it is, in its entirety.

I better shoot that guy as he falls off the building. Just in case.

I better shoot that guy as he falls to his death. Just in case.

Yup. It’s a text story. Take a moment and read it. You can click on it to embiggen it. I’ll play Angry Birds while I wait.

Done? So, yes. A text story. And not really a very good one, either. Lady Satan is never in any real danger, it seems. She does everything right and everyone loves her. She just comes across as the Boring Invincible Hero. *Yawn.* Jacques is the only thing that even approaches being interesting. If not for him, this would just be a story of “Lady Satan is awesome and now the French are slightly less pussified.”  Although I do like that we can now add Motivational Speaker, Expert Knife Thrower and Alan Moore Themed Sky Writer to Lady Satan’s already impressive repertoire of amazing abilities.

And clearly this story was written by someone who knew little of the previous two stories. In the originals, Lady Satan worked in the shadows and was not a public figure. In this one, everyone knows who she is. She’s some kind of Frog Superman who inspires people with speeches about how great the French are. Like Joan of Arc with a chlorine gun and a domino mask. But it should be noted that continuity was never much of an issue in any Golden Age comic.

(And why the fuck does Jacques commit suicide? Seriously, dude, just run.)

It’s pretty clear that the artist was given minimal information on how to make the illustration to accompany this story. I’d wager he was some poor schmuck working for pennies at Harvey Comics, and an editor just walked in and said, “Lady Satan. Wears a red cape. Shoots guys. Dude falls off building. Have it on my desk by tomorrow morning.” “Oh, OK, I’ll just draw Nurse Jackie shooting a guy in the penis as he falls from a red brick school building.” Art! I mean, Jesus, he obviously wasn’t even shown the story he was supposed to be illustrating. The story describes Lady Satan as hooded and masked (as in the earlier comics), and she doesn’t shoot Jacques in his frogballs when he falls from the building. (Plus, I have to ask: Why does the burst of smoke appear 2 feet away from the gun’s barrel?)

This is one of those times where I realize how many frogballs it must have sucked to work in comics in those days. The artists and writers back then were basically treated like slaves. The poor writer and artist who worked on this might never have even met each other, and were probably just assigned to do this story without being told anything about the character that they were writing/drawing. And they probably got paid in peanut shells and gum wrappers.

It does, however, illustrate one aspect of Golden Age comics that was better than today’s comics. Hello Pal Comics #1 was 68 pages long and contained numerous stories with a variety of characters, all for just 10 cents. These days, you pay 3 or 4 bucks for 22 measly pages and just one story. Admittedly, it’s worth it when it’s a good story, like Matt Fraction on Hawkeye or Bryan Azzarello on Wonder Woman, but still. Sometimes I wish comics were more substantial, and a single issue could provide a more diverse and engrossing reading experience.

Anyways, that’s it for today, but I shall be back soon!

They have stupid assholes in France, too

Ever wonder whether it’s only in America that you can turn on the news and expect to hear some bigoted right winger blame gay marriage for everything from murder to natural disasters to Kid Rock? Well, wonder no more, because we now have indisputable proof that France is also afflicted with Homophobe Hyperbole.

Le député UMP Philippe Cochet a mis le feu aux poudres, jeudi 18 avril lors du débat à l’Assemblée nationale sur le mariage pour tous. “Vous êtes en train d’assassiner des enfants”, a-t-il lancé à l’adresse de la majorité socialiste.

If you don’t read Frog, I’ll summarize. In a debate over a bill to legalize gay marriage, Philippe Cochet (known to his friends as the Fabulous French Fucknut) accused the left of attempting to murder children. That’s a disgusting exaggeration worthy of even the most odious bigots in this fair land.

And you know what always comes next. After saying something so abysmally idiotic that those around them can do nothing but either point and laugh or stutter in shock and horror, the bigot plays the part of the hero, claiming that his idiocy is actually bravery in the face of left wing Political Correctness. Do the French do this too?

Fervent opposant au projet de loi Taubira, le député du Rhône a poursuivi sous les huées du PS : “Je n’ai pas peur de ce terme, c’est une réalité, c’est inacceptable.”

Yes they do! He’s not afraid to say this! He’s telling us about REALITY! It’s REALITY that gays marrying each other is the same as murdering children! And all those lefties that are booing him are just afraid to face REALITY! Oh, he is such a brave and noble Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey!

And if you ever wondered what a notpology looked like in French (I guess they would call it a ne-pas-logie), then your curiosity shall be sated, as Cochet proves to be just as predictable and disingenuous as any American homophobe.

A la reprise de la séance, Philippe Cochet a modéré ses propos : “Le terme n’était pas approprié j’en conviens. En revanche il y a quelque chose qui me touche, (…) c’est le fait de briser la vie des enfants.”

“Yes, surely I apologize. Saying they wanted to murder (assassiner) children was inappropriate. What I meant to say was they want to destroy children’s lives (briser la vie). I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding. This is a totally sincere apology, by the way. Completely and totally sincere. Seriously, y’all. Seriously.” [I’m paraphrasing a bit here, as you might imagine…]

It should be noted that he said all of this as a wave of homophobic violence has swept across France. Well, congratulations, Philippe Cochet. I hereby bestow upon you the Biggest Asshole in France Award, which I just now made up. You definitely earned it. Now go fuck yourself.

Naked Naughty “Nuns” get sued

This is the kind of headline that grabs one’s attention:

Catholic group to sue naked feminist protesters

I saw that Neil Gaimon had tweeted it from Joe. My. God. and had to check it out. So, what’s going on here?

Catholic group Civitas is suing the group Femen for “sexual exhibitionism” in front of children, as well as protesting illegally and insulting a religious group by mocking their appearance.

So what is this “sexual exhibitionism” that so scarred these poor children?  Well, the protesting women’s boobs were, like, visible and stuff. (Image NSFW) They weren’t even properly naked, just topless. I generally demand more from my sexual exhibitionism. They could at least have made out or something. Maybe a little fisting. Just a little.

This is in France, by the way. This Catholic group is suing for showing boobage in France. Seriously, who doesn’t show their boobs in France? I’ve seen a French film or two. I seriously thought boobs were so common in France that people barely noticed them. “Hey, Jacques. You ever notice how hard it is to see the futbol game with all these boobs in the way?” “What boobs?”

And “insulting a religious group by mocking their appearance”? Is that really illegal in France? Insulting people should never be illegal. Religious people need to learn that the law is not your bah-bah that you can suck on whenever you get your feelings hurt and feel all poopy inside. And let’s keep in mind–these naked feminist nuns were counter-protesting a Catholic run anti-gay march. So it’s okay for the Catholics to march to deny gays equal rights, but it’s not okay to make fun of the Catholics’ silly costumes. Christian privilege, much? Oh, and fuck boobies. Children might see them. And we all know how scarring that would be if a boob were visible and a child saw it. It might do horrible things to him, like make him giggle for a few seconds. Oh, the humanity.

So who is this lesbian feminist group? From what I can gather at Le Monde (my French is rusty), they’re a rather outlandish women’s rights group that has drawn quite a bit of controversy for their over the top protests which they always do topless. This has led to the legitimate question of whether they are actually conveying a message or if people just see the breasts and forget everything else. European feminists worry that if Femen becomes the face (or chest) of feminism it could distract people from the message, and maybe that’s true. Honestly, in my opinion, while I’m all for feminism and gay rights and lots of other left wing issues, I’ve never participated in a protest of any kind and probably never will. It’s just too herd-mentality for me. But I support other people’s right to do it, even in the nude. So long as they don’t get violent…but we’ll get to that in a moment.

The feminist protesters turned up to the march against the proposed marriage for all law wearing only knickers and stockings, and with graffiti criticising the march written on their bodies.

I’m not sure if I’m comfortable calling gay marriage “marriage for all”. That seems to play right into the dumb ass slippery slope arguments that the right loves to use, where gay marriage will lead to people marrying box turtles and lawn sprinklers. Although maybe this is a translation problem.

Well, anyways, they’re criticizing an anti-gay march. Good for them!

They also fired canisters of tear gas at the marchers.

NOT good for them.  What the hell, girls? Spraying tear gas? That is way out of line.

That is, it’s way out of line if it’s true. I see some reason for doubt. Here’s a YouTube video of the event (NSFW, obviously, because of boobs. People, for some odd reason that I’ll never understand, hate seeing boobs.)

You can definitely see them spraying….something. But is it tear gas, or any kind of dangerous gas? Everyone exposed to it seems to be fine. I don’t see anyone rubbing their eyes or reacting to it in any way. I was at a hockey game a while back when a drunk guy six or seven rows back from me got maced by security. Even though I was several yards away, it irritated my eyes quite a bit. And that was just one guy getting sprayed with a small amount of mace.  In the video, the…whatever it is they spray seems to go everywhere, but people seem to be doing just fine.

One thing that is clear from the video is that they are attacked by the anti-gay protestors.

Some members of the feminist group were attacked and injured by the marchers.

Yeah, I just said that. Try to keep up, article I’m commenting on!

Five people have since been arrested in connection to the violence.

Who were these five people? Were they from Femen or Civitas? What did the police have to say about the allegations of tear gas or that the anti-gay protestors attacked the feminists?

Jesus titty balls, the French media is even worse than American media when it comes to leaving out relevant information. It’s hard to form a well-reasoned opinion on this with such sparse reporting. Who attacked whom first? That’s really important info.

Alain Escada, the president of Civitas, said the catholic group would also be suing Femen for spreading a message in a violent manner, organised violence with arms and threatening the freedom to protest of others.

If they actually did any of those things, you should sue. Why was this story all about the suing for boobs and dressing up in “insulting” costumes if there was the possibility of violence in this protest? Why did this shit come up at the end of the article? It’s definitely the more important stuff. But it’s also the stuff where the information becomes so sparse that the article is mostly useless. Also, I can’t help but notice that the journalist who authored this article has apparently spoken only to members of Civitas, but not Femen. Why weren’t the women asked for a statement on this? Are we following some arcane Catholic rule that only lets the men speak? What the hell?

Of course, I tend towards the naked feminist nuns’ side, since 1.) I agree with gay rights and feminism and 2.) I like boobs. However, if they did really spray tear gas into a crowd, then that’s simply inexcusable behavior and they should be in jail. On the other hand, maybe that was just some kind of harmless smoke bomb they set off, and the Civitas bigots attacked them unprovoked, in which case it’s the bigots who should be in jail. Or maybe it really was tear gas or mace, but they only sprayed it in self defense after someone attacked them. It would be nice if the article provided enough information to resolve this issue, but the stuff I quoted is all we get.

It would also be nice if the article focused on the violence rather than the boobs. As I said, I like me some boobs, but anti-free-speech violence is a much more pressing issue. (I also like pressing boobs.) It makes me think that perhaps the critics of Femen’s method might have a point. Except for the fact that if this story hadn’t involved boobs, the odiousness of Civitas’ protest against gay marriage would not have spread across the world. It’s doubtful that this story would have gotten any attention outside of France if not for the boob angle. So, yay for boobs! I guess.