The guy dressed like a lady doth protest too much

You know what Christians love talking about? Love. They even love how much they love talking about love. A thousand hippie monkeys at a thousand Valentine typewriters couldn’t talk about love as much as Christians do. Led Zepplin’s “Whole Lotta Love” doesn’t talk about love enough for them. If the English language consisted solely of the word “Love”, it still wouldn’t be possible to talk about love as much as Christians talk about love.

So, yeah, they talk about it. But do they actually love that much?

Fuck no. In fact, the more a Christian talks about love, the more likely it is that what they’re ACTUALLY proposing is hateful, bigoted, and just downright cruel. And sometimes rather perverted.

Speaking of hateful, cruel and perverted, let’s check in on the Catholic Church.

Indianapolis, IN —
As the Indiana General Assembly prepares to consider a proposed
constitutional amendment which would ban gay marriage in the state,
Indiana’s six Roman Catholic bishops have weighed in on the issue.

Fun.

In a December 4 joint statement, the bishops said that they “respect the
equal dignity of all persons” but marriage is the “intimate communion
of life and love between one man and one woman.”

Look, you pompous dinglefucks. Those two statements flagrantly contradict each other. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think you’re equal” and then turn around and say “I want to deny you rights that other people get based solely on who you are.” If you say that, then you clearly don’t believe that they are equal. Equality means equal rights. Denial of the one is a denial of the other. It’s a set in stone biconditional (see what I did there?).

“With deep respect for all our brothers and sisters,

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

we affirm the institution of marriage as the intimate communion of life
and love between one man and one woman. Marriage is an intimate sharing
of conjugal life and love.

It’s all about sex for these sanctimonious perverts.

Gay people don’t want marriage rights because they want to fuck. They’re doing just fine in the fucking department.* They don’t need permission from you or anyone else to stroke their genitals. And the same goes for straight people.

Gay marriage is about hospital visitation privileges. It’s about tax exemptions. It’s about adoption and child custody.

Get your god-addled brain out of the prude gutter.

It involves the total gift of self in a partnership for the whole of life. Only by means of the complementarity between a man and a woman can this total gift of self be fully given and received,” the bishops wrote.

Wow. You actually accomplished something. You managed to make the world’s most elaborate and unfunny dick joke.

Seriously. That statement is just a pretentious, self-important way to say, “Gays can’t marry ’cause penis in vagina huh huh huh.”

Well, Beavis, you’re wrong. In fact, absurdly wrong. In fact, if you restate what they said above without all the fancy sounding religio-jargon, it comes out to this:

Marriage requires loving commitment. Loving commitment requires a penis going into vagina.  Therefore gays can’t marry. QED

It would be laughable if it weren’t ruining real people’s lives.

And if total gift of self requires a penis going into a vagina, does that mean Jesus has a vagina? Or can men just not go to heaven?

(This is the first time I’ve ever said this about anyone: I really, really hope these Bishops don’t love children…)

“We respect the equal dignity of all persons while upholding the
uniqueness of the covenant of marriage as established by our Creator.

“We respect you while keeping all the good toys to ourselves. Ninny ninny boo boo.”

The well-being of children, of the family, and of society is closely
bound to the healthy state of marriage and respect for its true nature
and purpose.”

Yeah, ’cause when I think of the well-being of children, I think of the Catholic Church. And I think Jerry Sandusky. And I think I’m gonna go to the hospital, because I’ve clearly developed a brain tumor…

Without naming the upcoming debate, the bishops “urged the people of
Indiana” to “defend the dignity and …truth about marriage, according
to God’s plan and law, with charity toward all.”

Sorry, bub, but this is not a theocracy. You don’t get to take a god-shit all over our laws. Pass this stupid law if you want. It’ll just be overturned a few years from now.

“On the one hand, I hope that the statement serves to affirm the great
esteem we afford to the institution of marriage, a way of life that is
prior to the nation-state and any government,” Indianapolis Archbishop Joseph Tobin said. “On
the other hand, we hope to reinforce the dignity of every human being,
whom the Church accepts as a unique creation of our loving God.”

Blah blah blah blah. We love everyone, especially the people we hate!

Only a Christian would deprive people of rights, but call it “reinforcing the dignity of every human being.” That’s some serious Orwellian doublespeak there. And it’s no surprise that they repeat the crap about respect and love and dignity over and over and over ad nauseum. Deep down, they know their position is unsupportable bigotry. They know how awful their position appears to any rational person. They know they can’t just put lipstick on a pig. So they slather the poor porker with the most garish shades of lipstick all over its future bacon-y goodness, and hope that the sheer tackiness and ludicrousness of the whole thing will distract people enough that they don’t notice what it really is.

But America isn’t stupid. Slowly but surely, people are seeing through the ruse.

Fuck you, Catholic Church.**

_________________

* I wish my university had a Fucking Department.

** That means I respect your dignity.

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God hates facts

While most of the rest of the country gradually moves towards equality on the gay marriage issue, Indiana is resolutely planting its feet in the past. There’s a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage headed for a vote some time in November 2014. Why, you ask? How could Indiana be this backwards when their neighbor Illinois just decided to join the 21st century and legalize gay marriage? The answer is simple. It’s because of assholes like this guy:

Gay marriage would violate God’s laws

You say that like it fucking matters. Yet God doesn’t seem to give a fuck about people violating his oh-so-sacred laws. Adultery is supposedly against his laws, yet it’s legal in all 50 states, and he hasn’t done jack shit about it. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he just doesn’t care about you or any other glorified primate on this planet?

In Sunday’s Indy Star, business columnist John Ketzenberger’s statement that Indiana’s passing of HJR 6 would make the state less economically competitive and that Indiana would become a “beacon for limiting rights” is as far from the truth as most of the other arguments that favor voting down the proposed amendment.

Apparently god hates punctuation. God’s law says you get just one comma in your paragraph. After that, you just have to string words together without any kind of structure or coherence until you reach that weary period at the end. If “comma” meant sex partner, “words” meant “every aspect of your life”, and “period” meant “miserable death”, then that’s also a pretty apt description of god’s views on sex and marriage.

The author of this dribble, Jim Riecker, makes no actual arguments against the claim that banning gay marriage would harm the economy. He just simply asserts it as fact. It’s what liberals believe–so it must be false! Logic!

But there is very good reason to think it’s true. Businesses of all sorts want to cater to the under-40 crowd. They spend lots of money, which is why most things are marketed towards them. And they overwhelmingly support gay rights, including the rights of gays to marry. They’re not gonna want to come to your state if your state presents itself as a backwards redneck shithole, which is exactly what Indiana is doing right now.

The fact is that the push to move this state to the secular left has nothing to do with economics or individual rights, but is another example of misdirection by a group and their supporters to engage in spiritual warfare through public opinion and deception against the laws of God that this nation was founded upon.

I bet you thought I was kidding about that whole “One comma then no more punctuation” rule, didn’t you? The lord works in mysterious ways, I guess. Either that or Indiana is currently experiencing a massive shortage in punctuation marks. If only punctuation were made from limestone! We could make a fuck ton of commas, periods, dashes, and parentheses here in Bloomington (one of the few sane places in Indiana).

This asshole could clearly use some. Here, dingleberry, let me try to make that sentence a little clearer for you:

The fact is, that the push to move this state to the secular left has nothing to do with economics or individual rights. but It is another example of misdirection by a group (and their supporters) to engage in spiritual warfare (through public opinion and deception) against the laws of God that this nation was founded upon.

There. It’s still a clunky, ugly paragraph. But at least it’s readable now.

And now that it’s readable, I see that I’m wasting my fucking time. “They want gay marriage because they hate baby Jeebus.” Real fuckin’ original. Yeah, the other side couldn’t possibly be concerned with helping gay people. They just hate your pathetic deity. A deity, I might add, who seems utterly impotent to actually address this issue himself. It wouldn’t be that difficult for Jeebus to just come down and say, “Hey, bros! Gay marriage? Cut that shit out.” But apparently he can’t get off the fucking god-couch. Lazy-ass motherfucker…

It seems like God’s law is always being conveyed by his sad little followers. It’s been, according to your ignorant followers, 6,000 years now, God. When are you gonna get your head outta your Holy Hole and actually do something?

The only opportunity that Indiana has in this argument is whether to remain a beacon for the laws of God.

True story. The other day I was in a bar here in Bloomington. This dumb hick sitting a couple seats down from me starts spouting out a bunch of racist jokes. And I mean, really bottom of the barrel dumbshit racist jokes, like “Why shouldn’t you play Uno with a Mexican? ‘Cause they get all the green cards! Hurr hurr hurr!” Keep in mind, in this bar, there was me, this racist asshole, and two black guys, and that’s it. He thought this was appropriate.

Eventually he turned to me and blurted out, “And you know what else?” I was sick of his shit, so I responded, “This better not be another fucking bad joke.” He looked nonplussed for a second, then proceeded to explain to me that Americans can apply for refugee status in Canada from the War on Drugs. I said that’s bullshit. Which, by the way, it is.

The motherfucker was so offended by this–a mild insult, by my standards–that he immediately demanded his tab and left the bar without speaking another word. He just simply couldn’t handle the idea that someone might point out that simple facts contradict basically every stupid, childish, racist, xenophobic thought in his barely functioning brain.

Indiana has too many of these fucking people. Mr. Riecker here just wants to shout “God’s law! God’s law! God’s law!” and simply can’t abide by someone saying something like, “A gay person whose loved one is dying isn’t allowed to visit them in the hospital because they aren’t allowed to get married. This is injustice.” If you say that, they demand their tab and storm off like spoiled children.

Maybe Illinois will spank them and set them straight.