Gullibility to Galilee

Le pompe des enterrements regarde plus las vanité des vivants que l’honneur des morts.

–François de la Rochefoucauld, Maximes et Réflexions diverses

“The pomp of funerals is more for the vanity of the living, than for the honor of the dead.” Some might fault de la Rochefoucauld’s typically French cynicism and snideness (I can’t even read the French text without adding a sneer to the voice), but like many cynical assholes, he’s right. Generally speaking, when people call you a cynical asshole, they’re accusing you of saying too many true things. Funerals really are more about tamping down our existential dread in the face of inevitable death rather than “honoring” whatever poor sap just kicked the bucket.

This is why we spend a bazillion dollars on tacky, pointless caskets, flowers, headstones, and needlessly funnel billions of dollars into America’s lucrative funeral industry. Grief is easy to exploit. If you’re interested in just how much it gets exploited in this country, I recommend the excellent Bullshit! episode called Death, Inc. Grief makes people stupid. The funeral industry knows how to make money off this grief-induced stupidity.

And as with any industry, they only strengthen their brand when they combine it Jeebus.

Want your ashes spread where Jesus walked?

By Sara Sidner, CNN

No.

Nobody should.

A new business called Holy Land Ash Scattering is targeting U.S. Christians as customers.

They may or may not be atheist moles trying to prove just how gullible Christians can be…

Company president Larry Deverett says he has found the perfect spot for people of the Christian faith to have their own or their loved ones cremated remains scattered.

The spot is located in a small garden in an orchard on a hill above the Sea of Galilee, the area where the New Testament says Jesus prayed, taught and performed many miracles including walking on water.

“I researched the market and found that there is a strong need and demand for this type of service and the No. 1 location on the planet, when you are talking about spirituality, is the Holy Land,” Deverett said.

Translation: I saw all these televangelists scamming their Christian sheep and thought, “Fuck, I could do that!”

Deverett knows there will always be potential clients. The funeral industry will always have a source of clients since we all have to go sometime, and many of us will likely have a funeral of some sort.

Kinda funny how “spirituality” and “crass, exploitative capitalism that doesn’t actually create any useful product or service” always seem to go hand in hand.

One reason for an upswing in cremations may be economics. Simply put, cremation is cheaper than a burial.

So let’s make it expensive again by adding “Transportation to fucking Jerusalem” to the package.

For $750 after cremation, you can have your ashes shipped and scattered near the “Jesus Trail,” where a bearded man resembling a person right out of the Bible performs a ceremony. It is all put on a DVD and sent to the family.

The Jesus Trail is much like the Treasure Trail. They’re both hairy and have a dick at the end.

And seriously, Christians. If you wonder why I don’t take you seriously when you speak of the profundity of “spirituality”, it’s because to you guys it includes watching a cheap DVD of some guy dressed as Moses poor your grandpappy’s ashes out in a spot that might have come into contact with Jesus’ foot fungus.

The company is looking into trying to do a live feed over the Internet so you can watch it in real time.

Can’t you people just watch porn like normal humans?

“It’s a great privilege to be able to do this act of loving kindness for our Christian brothers and sisters, ” said Benzion Lehrer, who says the prayer and scatters the ashes.

Translation: I’m rich, bitches!

Deverett is hoping to draw business from far and wide.

Sadly, he might actually pull that off.

But the President of Holy Land Ash Scattering can’t use the service for himself or his family. He is Jewish and adheres to the traditional belief that his faith forbids cremation.

So his company has even less integrity than Hair Club for Men.

One more thing: Shame on you, CNN. This is not a news article. It’s a fucking puff piece. I would not be shocked at all if Holy Land Ash Scattering paid for it. The only interviews are with people from the company, nothing but nice things are said, and not a hint of skepticism is expressed. I expect this kind of “advertizing masquerading as news” horseshit from WingNutDaily, but CNN is supposed to be an actual news outlet.

The thing is, I know why WND takes so many obvious scams and writes them up as “news”. It’s because they know their audience. The average WND reader is a daft, gullible, bigoted, paranoid, ignorant nincompoop with a severely restricted stream of incoming information. They fall for shit like this, and WND can profit from their credulity, so they do it. The obvious question we should ask now is: What does CNN believe about it’s own audience?

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Godly Goldfish

American news media is so pathetic that sometimes I really do wanna puke. It’s not just that they report on bullshit like a woman who claims that god sent her a sign on a goldfish cracker.  It’s that they do so without even a hint of skepticism or critical thought. The news mantra seems to be “Don’t think about it. Don’t question it. Just repeat it.” Woman says god speaks to her through crackers? Okay. Let’s disseminate this to the world exactly as is. And that guy over there having an in depth conversation with an empty KFC bucket while urinating in the street? He seems credible. Let’s just regurgitate whatever words dribble from his mouth whenever it doesn’t have a crack pipe in it.

MELBOURNE, Fla. –

A Brevard County woman found more than she expected while eating a bag of Goldfish crackers, according to Local 6 News partner Florida Today.

Patti Burke eats two or three pounds of Goldfish crackers in a week, one by one, looking for the saltiest of the snacks.

Okay, that can’t be healthy.

But only once has she found a sign from God on a little orange cracker.

The sign said, “Eat something other than goldfish crackers, you crazy bitch!”

“When I picked this one up, I knew he was special,” the Melbourne woman said of her Holy Week discovery. “He had a cross on him, and he had a crown circle up by his head. Something I’ve never seen before out of all the Goldfish I’ve eaten.”

Seeing as you’re basically a walking Goldfish Holocaust, I’ll grant that at least you’re right about it being rare.

So what exactly does this sign from God look like?

Goldfish

And I’m supposed to be impressed with this…why?

“I called Pepperidge Farm and said, ‘Hey, do you have some special promotion going on, I think I’ve got the lucky fish,’” she said. “They called me back and said there’s no way this could have been printed like that in the factory. … They said it sounds like something miraculous happened and we don’t know how it happened.”

There’s no way! Nothing on the machine that makes the goldfish crackers could ever make that shape! It could only be a miracle! There is literally nothing on a machine shaped like–

Pan Head Machine Screw3

Damn it! Stop piddling on my Jesus parade with your silly “facts” and “really obvious shit.”

It should be noted that the Yahoo! News version of this story includes an important caveat which the local Florida affiliate failed to mention:

(That comment has not been confirmed by Pepperidge Farm.)

Yeah, no shit.

And another thing about that Yahoo! News story. It begins thus:

It’s a fishy story, but the woman telling it believes it’s pure gold.

*Vomit*

Journalists, please. Just stop doing this. I seriously don’t understand why you guys are unable to express yourselves without the use of puns. Did you notice above how I didn’t make some sort of pun on the machine having a “screw loose”? Follow my example. Let’s call for a sweeping moratorium on all puns in the news. If you guys are going to report this bullshit so credulously (note that the obvious phillips head screw explanation isn’t even considered in either news report), the least you could do is avoid raping comedy and the English language in the process.