Comic Relief: The Girl Who Loved Stupidity (part 2)

Welcome to installment #6 of Comic Relief. To see the earlier installments, go to the Comic Relief Index.

To see Part 1 of my review of Hansi: The Girl Who Loved the Swastika, click here.

So, let’s recap where we left off. Hansi, the dumbest bitch in Czechoslovakia, has become a devoted Hitler Youth follower and blindly regurgitates Nazi propaganda without any thought or reflection whatsoever. She’s so blinded by Nazism that she decides to stay in Prague even when the Russians are invading, complete with their borscht and vodka and communism and all. Her boyfriend, Rudy, says he hopes she gets raped to teach her a lesson, and this is exactly what happens. Except that everyone except her gets raped, because that’s how the plot wants things to be.  She and her friend Hair Helmet easily escape the Russian concentration camp they were in, and now they’re on the run.

What to do?

"Because there's no rape in the American military. Besides, we'll probably be taken prisoner, and I've heard there's even less rape in American prisons! USA #1!!!"

“Because there’s no rape in the American military. Besides, we’ll probably be taken prisoner, and I’ve heard there’s even less rape in American prisons! USA #1!!!”

Okay, I get the gangsters part. But “gum-chewing”? Why would Czechoslovakians hate our mastication-based freedoms?

Hansi and Hair Helmet keep moving west in search of Glorious Wonderful Americans, and along the way they have a pseudo-philosophical debate about peace and love, which causes Hansi to recall her mother’s advice about not forgetting Jesus, because all the pain and suffering she’s witnessed (and that this supposedly omnipotent being must have just stood by and watched) still hasn’t sunk in. Gang rape? Jesus loves me!

After joining up with a group of refugees trying to make a clandestine run for the border into West Germany, they are spotted by Russian soldiers.

The "miracle" of hiding and being quiet, you fucking moron. It was just two panels ago.

The “miracle” of hiding and being quiet, you fucking moron. It was just two panels ago.

Hansi has now very suddenly started aping certain Christian platitudes, such as attributing events to “miracles” even when the actual, mundane cause is really fucking bloody obvious. Don’t expect the comic to be consistent with this, though. But it is notable that the Christian boilerplate re-entered her patois only after the Instructional Rape that Rudy wished upon her. Written by a woman, folks.

Look in the background in that top panel. I’m pretty sure Hair Helmet is dead. At least, I think. She appears to take a bullet. We don’t see her any more after this panel. Hansi apparently doesn’t give a shit about her, because poor Hair Helmet doesn’t have any more of a role in the rest of the story than Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Hansi never mentions her again. Hansi: Stupid, and selfish.

"I remember hearing about gum-chewing gangsters from somebody...who was it? Ah well, she was probably a twat anyways."

“I remember hearing about gum-chewing gangsters from somebody…who was it? Ah well, she was probably a twat anyways.”

Is gum-chewing gonna be some kind of weird leitmotif in this comic from now on?

Anyways, Hansi and the child she rescued are taken in by American soldiers (who are living in barracks much nicer than anything any real soldiers ever lived in).

Of course Spire Christian Comics felt the need to plug Archie and all his Christian wholesomeness in this scene, but this scene is a bit anachronistic. In 1945, the title would have been Archie Comics. It wasn’t shortened to just Archie until the 50s. Get it right, assholes! Besides, if I know anything about the American military, if that guy’s reading an anachronistic Archie comic, it’s this one.

Would you like a Freedom Foot Massage? A Liberty manicure?  Perhaps a Jesus facial?

Would you like a Freedom Foot Massage? A Liberty manicure? Perhaps a Jesus facial?

Rape you? What do you think we are? Russian?

This comic sure knows its audience. Fundamentalists suck at subtlety and nuance, and this comic makes sure to state its point so bluntly that even the dullest godhumper mind can grasp it. Russians bad. Americans good. Breakfast!

Were the American soldiers quilting in their free time?

The Americans give Hansi the royal treatment for a couple pages, then she’s taken in by the Red Cross, where Rudy’s sister finds her and informs her that Rudy’s U-boat was sunk, and he’s presumed dead. Good fucking riddance, I say. Sleep with the rapist fishes, Rudy.

By this comic's logic, that means Rudy's mom got raped.

Ugh. By this comic’s logic, that means Rudy’s mom got raped, too.

Why does everyone love Hansi so much? For a comic about the cruelties of WWII, Hansi seems to get off horse-fuckingly easy in every single situation. Horrible things are happening all around her, but she’s always just fine. Even the Russian rapists spare her. The Americans treat her like she’s the fucking Queen of Free Blowjobs. Rudy’s sister seems to love her more than her own mother. Hair Helmet took a fucking bullet for her.

And yet, all she does is just fucking stare stupidly into the distance and puke up stereotypes and propaganda she absorbed from others. Other than the fact that she’s got a pretty face (clearly modeled on Betty Cooper–go back to that gang rape scene and imagine it in an issue of Betty and Veronica), what appealing qualities does she have? She even hates gum!

She gets a job as a teacher in Bavaria, and her life is fucking wonderful and perfect. As lives in war-torn nations are, naturally.

The hills are alive with the sound of white privilege!

The hills are alive with the sound of privilege!

Hansi, you selfish bitch! You’re surrounded by people who survived the Holocaust, the families of those who didn’t, soldiers who were traumatized by the most destructive war ever fought, families devastated by all the fucking carnage and horror attendant to worldwide warfare, and you learn that your ex didn’t die a horrible death in a sunken U-boat along with all his comrades, and your very first thought is whether you should date him again?

Fuck. You.

Wait. Is that Hair Helmet? Is she a redhead now? I honestly can’t tell. The comic never tells us who this redheaded chick is, and we never see her again. I don’t think she’s Hair Helmet, as she appeared to be quite dead earlier. Unless… Oh my god, she’s a ginger zombie! She’s going to eat our brains! (Don’t worry, Hansi, you’re safe.)

The ginger zombie apocalypse might go some way in explaining the Dutch angles on those last two panels. Every now and then the artist tilts a couple panels, but there usually seems to be little rhyme or reason to it. Maybe he/she just got bored drawing Jesus crap for a hack publisher and decided to mix things up for shits and giggles.

So, anyways, yeah. Rudy’s back. Turns out he escaped in an inflatable raft. How the fuck he pulled that off in a submarine is anybody’s guess. He and Hansi get married. Because that’s what you do when you’re a girl. You marry the guy who said he hopes you get raped. But the marriage is unfulfilling. What could be missing?

Get out the Q-Tips, bitch, 'cause you're about to get ear-fucked by scripture!

Get out the Q-Tips, bitch, ’cause you’re about to get ear-fucked by scripture!

Hansi is reluctant at first (for, like, a single panel). But before long…

How fucking big is the print on that Bible?

How fucking big is the print on that Bible?

She and Rudy just start mindlessly regurgitating one Christian trope after another. All it takes is a few Bible verses and their little pea-brains are immediately won over.

Let’s note something important here. Hansi has not changed. She just as much of a blind follower as ever. She’s just as spoiled and myopic as ever. She’s the same person she was from page 1, but with a layer of Jesus smeared over her. That’s it.

And when has she ever been disappointed? Almost everything has gone her way, and every hardship she’s faced has been easily circumvented. Every shit-eatingly stupid decision she’s made has only resulted in harm coming to other people, like Rudy (sunken U-Boat) and Hair Helmet (raped, shot, and zombified).

The shallowness and gullibility of her character of course would be lost on this comic’s target audience. You can see why in the second panel above. “Do we DARE to believe?” As if gullible belief in a bunch of old fables is somehow a brave act. As if joining the Christian majority in the West is somehow courageous. “Dare to be a blind follower!” Because if your beliefs are petty, childish, and simpleminded, you can console yourself with the lie that you’re actually a hero.

Anyways, Rudy and Hansi take their new found faith and move to America. But they’re shocked when they arrive.

Go back to Czechoslovakia, you ungrateful whore!

Go back to Czechoslovakia, you ungrateful whore!

Oh my god! America has hippies and litter and black people! Maybe we should go to that Real America Sarah Palin keeps yammering about.

God hates TAB.

God hates TAB.

So diet food is evil now? Is there anything fundamentalists won’t complain about? (That HEALTH AIDS sign is a bit unfortunate, but not unprecedented.)

Hansi decides that America is too materialistic and hedonistic and needs more Jesus. I would inform her that America’s rampant materialism is a direct product of that capitalism thing that the fundamentalists are so fond of, but since she’s shown no sign of being able to connect two ideas that some authoritarian belief system didn’t already connect for her, it would be a waste of time. Hansi blames the problems she sees in her students on their lack of stupidity, and realizes what the world needs is for her to spread her idiocy far and wide. We then get the most revealing series of panels in the whole comic.

Am I the only one who can't help but think she's having an orgasm during this?

Am I the only one who can’t help but think she’s having an orgasm during this? (And for someone who apparently loves America so much, how did the author manage to get the Pledge of Allegiance wrong? How do you fuck that up?)

Remember when I said she hadn’t changed a bit from when she was a Nazi? Well, that is actually the entire message of this comic. Be like the Nazis, but replace Hitler and Victory with Jesus and America. It’s good to be God’s little fascist robot!

There is no other way to interpret this. Hansi’s flaw wasn’t in her bigotry, her ignorance, her blind jingoism, her sheep-like devotion to an authority figure, her inability to think for herself, or her rah-rah attitude towards the destruction of other nations. Those things are all just fine. She just didn’t include Jesus in the mixture. That’s the only shortcoming that this book ever points out in her.

Hansi goes on to create a ministry where she saves people from horrible fates like being a hippie or not being a God-Nazi. She goes to prisons to preach “the word” (presumably she still thinks there’s no rape in this country, or she might focus on more pressing matters in our prisons). When I think about all the resources people waste on spreading nonsensical beliefs, and think about how many starving people those resources might have fed, I get pretty pissed off. But not as pissed off as these two panels make me.

I'm pretty sure that "Hitler taught me many things" isn't the best way to start a speech.

I’m pretty sure that “Hitler taught me many things” isn’t the best way to start a speech.

Hmmmm. Look at the faces in that crowd. I wonder whom he meant by “militants”…

Hell, that’s just what this comic needed. More fucking racism. Yup. Let’s pile even more of it on for good measure!

"But I have this weird feeling that a white woman is putting words in my mouth."

“But I have this weird feeling that a white woman is putting words in my mouth.”

So Hansi speaks at the prison, inspiring all those black militants to love America for this first time ever.

You know all those accusations against Barack and Michelle Obama that they don’t really love America and are always apologizing for it and they’re also somehow simultaneously atheist and Muslim and communist and terrorist? That shit ain’t new. The right wing has been otherizing blacks as America-hating militants for generations. Kinda like how somebody I’ve heard of would portray the Jews. There was this group–I forget what they’re called–but they always portrayed Jews as rats who were feeding off of society and didn’t sufficiently love some western European country… Hmmmm.

And this is the note on which the comic ends. No shit. There’s just one more panel of Hansi in front of the American flag saying she loves Jesus, and we’re done.

What have we learned from Hansi? Well, the name “Hansi” looks like a diminutive for “Hansel”, which is a boy’s name. So I conclude she must be a cross-dressing homo-Nazi who hates dieting. Makes about as much sense as anything else in this comic.

Comic Relief: The Girl Who Loved Stupidity (part 1)

Welcome to Comic Relief #5. To see the previous installments, go to the Comic Relief Index. 🙂

This time we’re going to take a brief detour. There are several more Lady Satan comics to talk about, but I’ll get to those later. For now, I want to talk about another, rather different comic. There are times when you come across a comic, and as you read it you can’t help but giggle like a school girl at the thought that this comic actually exists and was written unironically. This is one of those times.

Today’s comic was published in 1973 by Spire Christian Comics. That right there should be a clue about how fucking ludicrous it’s going to be. It was intended to convert readers to Christianity. But like most Christian propaganda, it actually couldn’t possibly appeal to anyone who hadn’t already swallowed the Bible pill whole. While it purports to be converting non-Christians, it actually could do nothing more than simply reinforce what Christians already believe. And, unintentionally, be a perfect crystalization of everything that is absurd, appalling, authoritarian, ignorant and simpleminded about conservative Christian beliefs.

You wonder why I would divert myself from Lady Satan, a character I love, to talk about some other comic? Well, you will wonder no more once you see the cover of today’s unholy clusterfuck of a comic.

Buffy went DARK.

Buffy went DARK.

Hansi: The Girl Who Loved the Swastika. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Bear in mind, this comic is nothing but unreflective pro-American and anti-German (and anti-Russian) propaganda. It came out almost 30 years after the war ended. And yet, that cover looks like it could have easily been seen on news stands in Berlin in 1942. We’ve got a beautiful young Aryan-looking girl with (count ’em) eleven swastikas forming a fucking halo around her head as proud German soldiers stand behind her adoring Adolf Hitler, who is right in the line of her blissful, enraptured sight. This comic will attempt (and, disturbingly, fail) to convince us of how evil the Nazis were, but you would never guess that from the cover.

And if you think that this must have been produced by some lonely hack making insane comics with crayons and used toilet paper in his mother’s basement, please allow the advert on the next page to disabuse you of this notion.

If your idea of an exciting comic is something called God is... or Noah's Ark, then you should probably just give up. On everything.

If your idea of an exciting comic is something called “God is…” or “The Gospel Blimp”, then you should probably just give up. On everything.

Do any of those titles stand out to you? And, no, I’m not talking about The Gospel Blimp. Of course I’m referring to all the Archie titles on the list. These were in fact licensed by Archie Comics, as the creator of Spire Christian Comics was a writer at Archie and had enough power and influence that he could actually convince the company to let him publish his own Archie Comics under his own company’s name. Imagine Marvel or DC letting some other company publish Spider-Man or Superman comics under their own imprint, and for an explicitly ideological purpose. How much influence would you have to have to convince them to do that?

Fucking. Scary.

Our story follows Hansi, an adorable little pug-nosed teenage girl who lives in rural Czechoslovakia during the period where the Germans invaded and overran the country. In the very first panel we get a taste of just what kind of character we’re gonna be following.

This is the kind of thing that fish think when they see strings.

This is the kind of thing that fish think when they see strings.

Yep. She’s a fucking moron. And her stupidity only increases as the comic progresses.

But don’t hold that against her. Stupidity is her virtue. This is a Christian comic, after all.

"Well, that and father's porn stash. What's a 'blumpkin'?"

“Well, that and father’s porn stash. What’s a ‘blumpkin’?”

Books are eeeeeevil. Note that this comic at no point mentions the fact that the Nazis banned and destroyed numerous books, including works on Darwinism. That fact is just a wee bit inconvenient for Spire Christian Comics.

Hansi, though, has found her dream. Reading her Nazi books, she hopes to ascend up the Nazi ranks and become a Hitler-endorsed Nazi youth leader. Hey, it worked for Pope Palpatine. (Until he pulled a Sarah Palin and quit his job, that is.) Eventually, her dream is realized, and she is awarded a place in a prestigious Nazi school in Prague, an event which alarms her know-nothing mother.

Maybe if you'd let your daughter read something other than the fucking Bible, she wouldn't have grown up to be such a gullible nitwit.

Maybe if you’d let your daughter read something other than the fucking Bible, she wouldn’t have grown up to be such a gullible nitwit.

Nope. I’m gonna say this right now. The best thing you can do is forget Jesus. Failure to do so might result in you producing something like this comic, and we just can’t have that.

Hansi goes off to her new Nazi school, which is in a large estate near Prague. On the doorstep, she meets another student, and we get one of the few acknowledgements of the Holocaust that this comic ever makes.

The juxtaposition of Mein Kampf and the Bible actually does make sense, but not for the reasons the author intended.

The juxtaposition of Mein Kampf and the Bible actually does make sense, but not for the reasons the author intended.

Please, allow me to quote directly from Hitler’s Mein Kampf:

“Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.”

“His [the Jewish person’s] life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took to the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In retum, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties — and this against their own nation.”

Hitler was Christian. He claimed killing Jews was what Jeebus wanted. It’s right there in the quotes.

But that doesn’t stop certain fundamentalists in America from constantly haranguing us with the false notion that he was an atheist. This is part of a broader pattern of their behavior in which everyone they dislike is associated with everything that’s bad, and everything they like is associated with everything that’s good. Atheists are child-molesting immoral Nazi Muslims while Christians are wholesome, virtuous American patriots. (Oh, and science is evil.) This comic will not provide any counterexamples to this frequently observed fundamentalist prejudice. Throughout the whole thing it’s America good, Other Countries bad. Jesus good, science and learning bad. Christians good, hippies bad. (Yes, we’ll encounter hippies later.)

Hansi joins the Hitler Youth, and page 5 gives us this image:

The Germany of tomorrow is...Czeckoslovakia?

The Germany of tomorrow is…Czechoslovakia?

That’s 22 swastikas in one panel. In fact, counting the cover, there have been 58 swastikas in this comic so far, and we’re only on page 5! We’re averaging over 11 swastikas per page. Just in case you ever forget that this story is set in Nazi-occupied territory, the artist will smear swastikas all over every nook and orifice of every god damn page to remind you. Leni Riefenstahl would think they’re overdoing it with all the swastikas.

This is the comic that loved the swastika.

Our swasti-comic continues with Hansi relishing her new life as a little Nazi Barbie. Basically it consists of people complaining about how conditions are deteriorating under German rule, and Hansi countering by regurgitating something about how much she loves Hitler and Nazis and Germany. Wash, rinse, repeat. She has completely drunk the Nazi Kool Aid, and can think of nothing other than how much she loves Hitler. Seriously, I would think she just wants to fuck Hitler, except for the fact that quite suddenly she apparently has a boyfriend. He comes out of nowhere, his name is Rudy, and he’s serving on a German submarine. Hansi communicates with him via letters.

Rudy proposes, she accepts, but his parents refuse to allow it because they are rich and Hansi is just a peasant girl. This is some real Romeo and Juliet shit going on here…if Romeo and Juliet were badly written Christian propaganda. Hansi decides she doesn’t want to tear Rudy’s family apart, so she leaves him and joins back up with the hair-helmeted girl from the Hitler Youth, who’s boyfriend is still away on duty.

Rrrraaaarrrrr!!!

Rrrraaaarrrrr!!!

That’s Hansi, just regurgitating what this author would have us believe is what the Nazis believed. No thought. No reflection. Just angry reaction. Fucking idiot.

And really? All the soldiers want is Bibles? Food or medicine or, for that matter, porn aren’t on the list, too? This is the kind of cheesy glurge that some fundamentalists just gobble up. It’s the kind of stuff that gets passed around in viral emails full of apocryphal stories that people who rarely engage their brains like to get all mushy about. And this comic is more than happy to keep shoveling it up.

"Fuck. All I got was a bunch of 'begats'." "Me too. This Bible shit sucks." "Same here. Hey, Fritz, got any more Playboys that don't have the pages stuck together?"

“Fuck. All I got was a bunch of ‘begats’.”
“Me too. This Bible shit sucks.”
“Same here. Hey, Fritz, got any more Playboys that don’t have the pages stuck together?”

Note how when they want to portray Christian soldiers in the Nazi army, suddenly those ubiquitous swastikas are nowhere to be seen.

The war is drawing to a close, and the Russians are advancing on Czechoslovakia. Rudy tries to convince Hansi to flee the country with him, but our cute-as-a-button-on-a-kitten-snuggling-with-a-baby little moron protagonist won’t hear of it. She insists on staying in Prague and supporting the Nazis to the end. This brings us to my favorite single panel in the whole comic.

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Bwahahahahahahaha!I

It’s about time someone pointed out what a fucking imbecile she is. This was starting to turn into one of those comics where one character is completely fucktarded in every way imaginable and yet somehow no one seems to notice. Good for you, Rudy. I’m on your side now. But please don’t make me regret saying that in the very next panel…

He's like the Czech Mel Gibson.

He’s like the Czech Mel Gibson.

What the fuck??? God fucking damn it, Rudy. Yeah, she’s an idiot, but rape threats are a bit of an overreaction, dontcha think?

And when the hell did this comic get so dark? Yeah, it’s about Nazis and all. But for ten pages up to this point, it’s just been about a blonde girl who mindlessly parrots Nazi gibberish and hates the Bible. You know, fun light-hearted stuff. Now all the sudden we’ve got her boyfriend saying he hopes she gets raped by Russians!

What fucking weirdo shit is next?

You just know one of those Russian rapist guys was Vladmir Putin. Would that even surprise you in the slightest?

You just know one of those Russian rapist guys was Vladmir Putin. Would that even surprise you in the slightest?

She actually gets fucking raped??? Rudy, you have the most heinous fucking jinx-powers in the universe. Remind me never, ever to have a beer with you if I’m ever in Prague.

So, yeah, gang rape. That’s where we are right now. Hansi boards a train, gets captured by Russians, taken to a labor camp, and is subject to nightly gang rapes.

Except for one thing. After the scene above, we see all the women crying, and one of them says, “You’re lucky you’re skinny, Hansi! They don’t want you!” That’s right, the comic immediately pusses out and assures us she wasn’t actually raped, because she’s…skinny? Since when did that ever stop a rapist? I guess Russian rapists like big girls. Because they are from Russia! Where the men are Men! And the women are Men!

Well, no. The actual reason they don’t have her get raped is because they just didn’t want their protagonist to get raped right after her boyfriend told her to go get raped to teach her a lesson. Hey, writers, can I give you a hint? If you don’t want your main character to get raped, don’t write your story this way!

Oh, and this might also be a good time to mention that, if Wikipedia is correct, this story was written by a fucking woman. Un-fucking-believable.

All the rape and mayhem makes our protagonist decide that she and Hair Helmet need to escape. And so they do. It’s just that easy. They crawl under the barbed wire and GTFO.

For now, we’ll leave it at that. This post is getting long, and I’m not even halfway through the comic yet. It’s just that there’s so much insane and disturbing shit in this comic that I feel the need to comment on almost every single panel in detail. For now let’s sum up the first 12 pages like this: Nazis were Christian whether this comic likes it or not; Hansi’s a nincompoop; Rudy’s a fucking asshole; Russians are rapists; and this comic blows my fucking cock like no other.

I’ll be back in a few days with part 2! 🙂

UPDATE (7/10/13): For Part 2, click here.

Juxtaposition

WorldNetDaily (WND) may not always come right out and say it, but they have ways to let you know where they stand. These two articles were posted right next to each other in their “Faith” section today:

Hitler was a Catholic who invoked Jesus' name in Mein Kampf. Gays were persecuted in the Holocaust, like Jews. Therefore, Christians are associated with persecuting both gays and Jews. Therefore, Christians get a bad name and people criticize them. Therefore, Christians are the real victims.

Hitler was a Catholic who invoked Jesus’ name in Mein Kampf. Gays were persecuted in the Holocaust, like Jews. Jews support gays, which is an opinion different from Christians’ opinion, and one which happens to involve two groups of Holocaust victims.  Therefore, Christians are associated with persecuting both gays and Jews. Therefore, Christians get a bad name and people criticize them. Therefore, Christians are the real victims.

Good thing they underlined Christians and put “gay” in scare quotes, just in case the juxtaposition wasn’t clear enough. WingNutDaily knows who the REAL victims of the Holocaust were! You just gotta read between the scare quoted underlines.

The comments on the ‘Jews’ article make things even more clear.

signsofthetimes8888 • 

The serious question is how can any person who professes to believe in God also support gay marriage? This is absolute nonsense. Another question is are these polls correct? If most Americans don’t know about how polls are altered, fabricated, rigged, how they are used for propaganda, and how they are used to push the liberal lunatic agenda then America is a country of pure stupid. Supposedly of all races it was the Jews who came out in an extraordinarily large percentage to vote for the current dictator in chief Obozo. So if all of this is true then American Jews are just shooting themselves in the foot and if this is true then they don’t bare much resemblance to the Jews of Israel….

Nottolate • 

“76 percent of US Jews support legalizing same-sex marriage”

Looks like they still haven’t learned their lesson. Not that they are authentic Jews anyway.

DvoraChesed

In America, “Jews” and “Liberals” are nearly interchangeable terms.
There are many exceptions of course, but not nearly enough.
It is a sad truism that Jews embrace liberalism to the point of being suicidal.

sikhed DvoraChesed • 

From reading the Old Testament, and also seeing how they’ve been treated historically, a real Jew would/should be quite conservative.

They’re not Real Jews ™. They’re those fake American Jews, who aren’t nearly as Jewy as those authentic Israeli Jews. (Except that gay marriage is gaining ground in Israel too–oops!) We know the Israeli Jews are real Jews because they kill more Arabs than those fake, gay American Jews. We’re WingNutDaily; our readers are smart and observant and totally not racist.

Comic Relief: More Satan!

I think I’m gonna start talking more about comics on this blog. Why? ‘Cause I feel like it, that’s why. So let’s revisit my favorite female superhero of the Golden Age, Lady Motherfuckin’ Satan. (To see my first post on Lady Satan, click here.)

When we last left Lady Satan, her fiance was murdered (and literally all we know about him was that he was her fiance and he was murdered) and this inspired Lady Satan to go to Nazi-occupied France and fight the Fritz.  That was Dynamic Comics #2, and her only other appearance in that book was in Dynamic Comics #3, which hit stands in February of 1942.

When you open the issue to the first page, you’re assaulted with a rather unpleasant image…

lady satan 4

How about you St. Pat my balls?

He is said to have wasted 100 years expending his energies on empty religious ceremonialism rather than doing things that actually matter.

Luckily, this useless old geezer only takes up one page, and we get some Lady Satan awesomeness starting on page 26.

Dead Nazis are always a good way to start out.

Dead Nazis are always a good way to start out.

That is so fucking awesome. I really dig the smoke through the skull image. And now we’ve got some real Inglorious Basterds style bloody Nazi killings. No more of that pansy-ass “chlorine” gun she used last issue.

There’s a problem, however, with the scan of this issue that I got from Digital Comics Museum. You can probably tell from the image above that the physical copy from which it was scanned was in pretty bad shape. There are holes in the pages, and the colors are faded. Here’s a closer look:

Holy fuck, there's a tear in space-time! Someone call Dr. Who!

Holy fuck, there’s a tear in space-time! Someone call Dr. Who!

There’s also this problem:

Maybe it's just REALLY badly applied make-up?

Maybe it’s just REALLY badly applied make-up?

The printer fucked up with the color plates, and they’re all offset. It looks like shit.

If you read enough Golden Age comics, you’ll come across this problem from time to time. Standards were low back then, and it wasn’t uncommon for printers to make major errors in producing a book, then just say “Fuck it! Put it on the shelves anyways! It’s not like we’ll have a legacy or anything in the future.” So, yeah, a lot of Golden Age comic books with really shitty quality out there.

Lucky for us, this story was reprinted in Bull’s Eye Comics #11 in 1944. And this time, Lady Satan even made the cover:

ver of a children's magazine in 1944. Oh how times have change...

You could put this on the cover of a children’s magazine in 1944. Oh how times have change…

Fuck yeah! Let’s get started.

Our story has a bit of a confusing beginning. We’re at a house in… somewhere. France maybe? It looks like a rather American house. And Lady Satan is in a car with somebody named Kurt…

"It's not Lady Lady. It's Lady Satan! Get it right, bitch!"

“It’s not Lady Lady. It’s Lady Satan! Get it right, bitch!”

Seriously, your password for secret information in this war-torn, Nazi-ruled nation is “My baby is sick”? You’re not at all worried about accidentally giving up that you’re a secret British spy to someone who just happens to have a sick baby?

And who the fuck is Kurt? And where is he? In the car? Can he hear this conversation? And why is he addressing her as “Lady Satan” when she’s not in disguise?

So many questions. But some of them are in fact answered in later pages. Kurt is a devoted Nazi soldier. Lady Satan is undercover, pretending to date him–or that he’s her “escort”; the comic implies both. He calls her “Lady Satan”. Would you date someone if the only name they gave you was “Satan”? Well, I guess he’s a Nazi and all…

Lady Satan’s sick-baby courier informs her that the Nazis are having some kind of big ass meeting today, and Lady Satan needs to find out what the fuck is going down. (I’m paraphrasing.) It doesn’t take long. After merely prodding her escort/boyfriend about whether he has another girl, Kurt shows us what kind of man he is.

Oh, and I wet the bed at night.  Damn it! Shut up, Kurt. You'll never get laid this way.

Oh, and I wet the bed at night. Damn it! Shut up, Kurt. You’ll never get laid this way.

Kurt, you fucking dumbshit. No wonder the Nazi’s lost.

Lady Satan pretends not to care about such things to throw Kurt off her scent, but decides that she must attend this meeting to break up the Nazi plan to kill the leaders of the free world. So she follows Kurt.

It's so secret that I hope there isn't someone obviously listening as we loudly discuss it outside.

It’s so secret that I hope there isn’t someone obviously listening in as we loudly discuss it outside.

Empowered with this knowledge, Lady Satan sneaks in and incapacitates the guard in one of the best single panels in the book.

Well, it was the most silent weapon before that whole "AAAAGGGHH!" thing.

Well, it was the most silent weapon before that whole “AAAAGGGHH!” thing.

God, I love the look on that guy’s face. He almost seems to be looking at the reader to ask, “Can you believe this shit?”

Lady Satan hides along with the supposedly garroted guard to listen in to the meeting as the Nazi leaders enter. They notice that the guard is missing, but have their totally secret meeting anyways. How the hell did these guys even manage to last all the way up to 1945? Anyways, it turns out that Winston Churchill and Franklin Delano Roosevelt are going to have a secret meeting on a ship in the middle of the Atlantic (Why not in D.C., where it’s safe?), and the Nazis want a volunteer to go on a suicide mission to assassinate them. Kurt, brain trust that he is, volunteers. He is told that he will be disguised as none other than Charles de Gaulle in order to infiltrate the Allied meeting.

Unfortunately…

Lady Satan, you suck at strangling people.

Lady Satan, you suck at strangling people.

Oh, fuck! She’s busted!

The Nazis find her behind the curtain and converge on her. She draws her gun, and in the lone moment of competency in his life, Kurt disarms her. Running out of options and capture looking eminent, she…

"Can't believe I dated that crazy bitch."

“Can’t believe I dated that crazy bitch.”

…Kills herself?

Shit, that was over quickly. They leave her alone so that the incompetent guard she strangled earlier can bury her. He buries her. The end.

Just kidding. It was a rubber knife full of fake blood. No one even checks her body. Nazis are morons. Especially Kurt.

But now she has to catch up with the nefarious Kurt de Gaulle, who’s heading out into the Atlantic in a plane with French markings, before he can kill Roosevelt and Churchill. Lady Satan hijacks a Nazi plane (where did she get these ace piloting skills?) and pursues. She finally catches up to Krazy Kurt as they approach the American and British ships. But then…

Oh, so we're shooting the Nazis now? Gee, I've only been here for 14 months. Thanks for telling me how to do my job, Lance.

Oh, so we’re shooting the Nazis now? Gee, I’ve only been here for 14 months. Thanks for telling me how to do my job, Lance.

Lady Satan is shot down by the most FAAAABULOUS pair of shirtless Navy hunks this side of a Village People reunion (and with a giant cannon-boner between them). But merely being shot out of the sky won’t stop her! She is fucking Satan after all! She’s pulled from the water by some sailors who attempt to arrest her, but she pulls a gun and forces them to take her to the ship where Kurt the Kraut Frog will attempt the assassination.

"I'm sure the Nazis sent me on this mission that I'm certain not to survive because they really value my quick wit and consummate skills."

“I’m sure the Nazis sent me on this mission that I’m certain not to survive because they really value my quick thinking and impeccable observation skills.”

Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. You still haven’t put two and two together yet, have you?

Well, it’s too late. Before Kurt the Sausage-sucking Surrender-Monkey can shoot Churchill and Roosevelt, Lady Satan comes up and literally stabs him in the back. Alas, their love was not to be. Kurt’s last words were, “They have rightly named you…Lady Satan…AAAAGGHH!” Should’ve thought of that earlier, Kurt. Now you’re Nazi shishkabob.

And the comic ends with Churchill and Roosevelt, two of the greatest leaders the free world has ever seen, giving thanks to Satan.

You can't see it in the panel, but Churchill is double-fisting martinis and FDR is getting a handy."

You can’t see it in the panel, but Churchill is double-fisting martinis and FDR is getting a handy.

God, I love this comic.

Anyways, go to the Digital Comic Museum and pick this one up. It is free and in the public domain, after all. And as always, Hail Satan!

Comic Relief: Sexy Satanic Golden Age Goodness

I saw over at Atop the Fourth Wall, a site everyone should check out, Linkara has a post about a kick ass Golden Age comic book hero called Tomboy. I enjoy reading those old Golden Age comic books from time to time, and thought I’d share one of my personal favorites. It’s not just that she kicks ass, it’s also that our hero’s name is totally blasphemous. You could never give a superhero a name like this in the later Silver Age, when the censorious Comics Code Authority completely neutered the entire industry.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

"Why, no, my dear. I'm not evil. Whatever would make you say that?"

“Why, no, my dear. I’m not evil. Whatever would make you say that? Is it the monocle? The martini? The arched eyebrow? Or the gang sign I’m flashing?”

Yes, that’s right. LADY FUCKING SATAN.

Lady Satan, who debuted in Dynamic Comics #2 in 1941, interests me for several reasons.

  1. She’s motherfucking Satan. (But not really. It’s just a name.)
  2. She debuted a month before Wonder Woman, whom people often mistakenly believe is the first female superhero. (She’s not. Not even close.)*
  3. She doesn’t have any superpowers, and has to use her wits to fight crime. But then suddenly she has superpowers in a later issue without any explanation. Let’s just say that continuity wasn’t on anyone’s mind back in the Golden Age.
  4. People in the comic rarely remark on the fact that she named herself after FUCKING SATAN. You’d think that would be the first question out of anyone’s mouth.

So, what made Lady Satan decide to give up her normal life and become a Nazi-killing fallen angel? You’d think one would need a compelling reason to start calling oneself “Satan”…

"Trust me, I'm very sad about this. Can't you see it on my face, or did the artist fuck me up again?"

“Trust me, I’m very sad about this. Can’t you see it on my face, or did the artist fuck me up again?”

That’s all the origin you get, folks. Three panels. In the Golden Age they were nothing if not concise.

And if you thought Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru had it bad in Star Wars, check out poor Nameless Fiance here. He is never mentioned again. Hell, he only gets the one line, and we never even see the sonofabitch’s face. In fact, that one panel of wrathful vow is all the grief over his death we get, as the very next panel makes quite clear.

"Perhaps Madame Satan would like the flowers drizzled with the blood of virgins?"

“Perhaps Madame Satan would like the flowers drizzled with the blood of virgins?”

This comic doesn’t fuck around. Boyfriend dead? Moving on! Time to fight Monocled Nazi Lex Luther.

From here the story follows her as she manipulates the Nazis into leading her to the location of their plans for a sub-detector, which she hopes to deliver to the British. (Remember, America wasn’t at war yet at the time this came out.) Monocled Nazi Lex Luther (a.k.a Captain Fritz–I don’t know why they didn’t just go all the way and call him Major Sausage-Chomper) is quite shocked by this turn of events when Lady Satan’s plot is apparently foiled…

"I should really stop trusting people who hide their identities and name themselves after the Prince of Lies..."

“I should really stop trusting people who hide their identities and name themselves after the Prince of Lies…”

But of course, Lady Satan’s not dead! She gets the plans from them after incapacitating the Nazis (with non-lethal force–she’s not THAT satanic, you know). The British get the Nazi’s submarine plans, and everyone lives satanically ever after.

"HAIL SATAN!"

“HAIL SATAN!”

Seriously. This comic ends with a big joyful “Thank you, Satan!” You know what that is? It’s fucking awesome. That’s what it is.

(Also, why is the Air Ministry in charge of breaking a U-Boat blockade? And what exactly is “a much”?)

It’s actually a pretty standard story, but definitely worth checking out. It’s in the public domain, and can be found at the Digital Comic Museum. Go read the comic, and Hail Satan! 😀

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* DC frequently plays along with this misconception, even though Wonder Woman isn’t even the oldest female superhero in their own roster. Phantom Lady and Bulletgirl both appeared before Wonder Woman (who hit the stands in Dec 1941, in an issue dated Jan 1942–Lady Satan hit the stands in Nov 1941 in an issue dated Dec 1941).

Not only were there literally dozens of female superheroes before Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman wasn’t even the first female patriotic superhero. She was preceded by at least 5 female superhero patriots: USA, Miss America, Miss Victory, Pat Patriot and War Nurse.

Wikipedia claims that Fantomah, who debuted in Feb 1940, is the first female superhero, but this is wrong, too. The oldest female superhero I know of is Ritty, who at 6 inches tall fought crime alongside her equally diminutive boyfriend Minimidget. Both debuted together in Sep 1939, just a few months after Batman.

None of this should be taken as me dissing Wondie.  I like her as a superhero, and I think the stuff Bryan Azzarello is writing for her right now is fantastic. I just hate that DC sometimes represent themselves as being the first when it comes to giving women representation among superheroes, when nothing could be further from the truth.