Please, go.

The right wing meltdown in the wake of Obama’s re-election continues, and Joseph Farah of WingNutDaily provides some of the most entertaining conservative pants-wetting there is to be found. Remember last time, when he lamented the “division” that Obama was spreading in this country? Well, now he’s decided it’s best to encourage division to the point of full on secession (or something like it):

BETWEEN THE LINES

Time to consider separation, divorce

Exclusive: Joseph Farah says principled Americans must insulate selves from judgment

Make up your mind, Joe! Is Obama evil because he sows division, or is division exactly what we need (and by “we” I mean god-humpers)?

As with last time, don’t you think for a second that I can’t grok the hint at violence in the notion of “divorcing” the rest of the nation. The last time part of our nation declared “divorce” 600,000 people died. But I guess that’s a small price to pay for all the “principled” (read: closeted homo) Americans to retain the “right” to teach other people’s children that science is a lie.

Divorce is an ugly word.

For devout Christians and Jews, it’s a particularly unthinkable term.

There you go using that word “unthinkable” again. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you just aren’t very good at thinking?

The Bible strictly discourages it, even forbids it, except in the most exceptional circumstances.

The Bible says you should be miserable, and that one bad decision made when you were 19 years old should haunt you forever. Because God is love, as exemplified by his insistence that you persist in a loveless marriage.

But for Americans faithful to the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the heritage of sacrifice and liberty that set apart this country from the rest of the world, it’s time to consider separation and divorce from those who have committed adultery.

So we should tell Newt Gingrich to fuck off. I’m down with that.

You wanna know how to spot a wingnut theocrat? Just look for people who think they have exclusive rights to the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.  If someone uses those documents as synonyms for “agrees with me”, then you know you’re dealing with the particularly black-and-white worldview of a god-humper.

If you think the Constitution and Declaration are 200+ year old legal documents that require careful interpretation based on the situation we currently live in, then congratulations, you’re a thinking human being. If you think Jesus wrote them down in your heart so that fags can’t find them, then you might be interested in some of the advertized “medical” remedies that WingNutDaily generously smears all over every single article it publishes. Not that they believe their target audience is stupid and gullible! What could possibly give you that idea?

The election of 2012 provides more stark evidence that we are not really one country, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. We are already two peoples – those of us still loyal and faithful to the God-inspired founding American principles and those who have gone awhoring after the idols of government coercion and doing what’s right in their own eyes.

And we all know that if you spend too much time awhoring you’ll end up with asyphilis.

Simply put, we shouldn’t do what’s right in our own eyes. Rather, we should do what’s right in Joe’s eyes. He (and other fake spokespeople of god) get to tell us what we do with our own bodies in the privacy of our own home. That’s how we get to be free by having no freedom at all. It makes sense in that “unthinkable” way that everything on the religious right makes sense.

In short, as I have written before, America is flirting with profound judgment. If those of us who disapprove of the same-sex marriage, abortion, tyranny, collectivism, the coerced subversion of religious freedom and forced taxpayer support for the spreading of ungodly, unbiblical values and laws want to avoid that coming judgment, it’s time to separate ourselves wholly from participation.

I say this in all seriousness: Separating yourselves wholly from participation would be a brilliant move. It would totally catch us godless heathens off guard. I’d gladly take the coming judgment from your magical boogedy-boo a thousand times if that’s what it takes to get you people to shut the fuck up.

I don’t pretend to know exactly how this works.

No shit?

America is a big country that is thoroughly permeated with this treasonous, immoral, adulterous lifestyle.

Yeah, Joe. Everybody sucks but you. You and your bizarrely melanistic mustache are paragons of virtue and restraint, while every human being whose brain isn’t a thick mush of confused, reality-denying beliefs is awhoring after some Obama balls.

But I am convinced we’ve got to begin forming new communities of the faithful and declare our separation and independence once again, just as our courageous founders did 236 years ago. Like them, we need to be prepared to defend ourselves, our families, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

This is the kind of thing someone says shortly before they begin stockpiling baked beans and gold bullion in a wooden shack somewhere in the wilds of Bumfuckistan, Montana. In their eyes, they have just committed a holy and noble act that will someday be recounted in reverent tones by future hagiographers. In the eyes of pretty much everyone else, they might as well be building a blanket fort in their parents’ bedroom. Except for the fact that that stockpile also likely includes a lot of guns with real ammunition. It’s like a Blanket Fort of Doom.

Barring a miracle, I don’t believe reconciliation with those who have gone awhoring is a possibility.

Have you tried talking with those who go awhoring? Or were they too busy awhoring? And why do we keep coming back to the word “awhoring”?

I’m sorry, I just don’t have much in common with Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi and George Soros and Bruce Springsteen (even though we are both from New Jersey) and George Clooney and these other looneys. [sic]

Let me get this straight. You’re ready to secede from the Union just because the right lost an election, but the people who intend to keep living their normal lives in disagreement with you are the loonies? (And yes, that’s how it’s spelled.)

Barack Obama was right about one thing: Whatever it once was, America is no longer a Christian nation.

It never was to begin with, no matter what you’re fact-free revisionist history might say.

And now it’s clear that more than half the population has turned its back on God and His Commandments.

That’s funny, because just a few days ago you published an op-ed claiming that the election results must have been faked and Obama couldn’t have won.

That gives a little window into how a mind like Farah’s works. One moment he’s declaring we’ve incurred god’s judgment. The next he’s saying the majority couldn’t have elected Obama. Then shortly thereafter he’s back to saying Obama won and godly folk need to just leave the country.

That annoying fact that Obama is still president keeps bouncing around inside his little monkey mind, and he’s desperately trying to fit it into his worldview at any given moment, without paying any attention to whether his current rationalization is in any way consistent with any of his past rationalizations. So long as it fits in this place at this moment, his short memory and inability to consider the future insure that he will be able to comfort himself.  What do you want to bet that in a few years, Farah hasn’t seceded, still hates Obama, still blames the majority of Americans for electing him while insisting that they couldn’t have, and doesn’t remember a damn thing about what he wrote in this current op-ed?

In another time, we would call what I am talking about “secession.” But secession can only work when there is enough common ground among people in geographic regions or states. That does not seem to be the case today. The division we see is a division largely between city dwellers and those who live in suburban and rural areas of the country.

Make no mistake. “City dwellers” is just another term for “black people” and “people who live next to black people and don’t mind it”.

We have little in common except that those who live in the cities believe they have a right to dictate to those of us who do not.

They dictate things like “Don’t dictate to gay people or women”. Stupid city dwellers, always dictating.

They believe they have the right to exploit us, take our property for their own use and tell us how to live.

I believe that that was Mitt Romney’s campaign slogan, if you replace “city dweller” with “wealthy white asshole”.

This is very much like the situation our founders faced – except our oppressors don’t live on another continent, they live amongst us.

It’s nothing like their situation. But don’t let that stop you from implying that your readers should kill liberals and gays and blacks.

I don’t have all the answers.

No shit?

I’m just a journalist and a businessman and a follower of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

You suck at the first two, but there’s really no wrong way to do the third, seeing as it’s all make believe. I guess you can console yourself with the knowledge that you’ve succeeded at something a five-year-old can do.

But it’s past time to begin talking about how this separation takes place. It’s past time to begin talking about how this divorce takes place. It’s past time to begin talking about how we deal with the increasing judgment that is taking place right now.

And so Joe closes his poopy-pants rant with more hollow gibberish, having unsurprisingly offered his audience nothing but substance-free innuendo and drooling bromides about Jesus. His 652 words amount to nothing more than, “Fuck people who don’t think like I do. I’m just not gonna talk to them any more. And if any of my readers have guns…wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more…”

What I hope is that this puerile attitude on the part of many right wing nuts gets directed towards the Republican Party, a party that clearly is getting tired of its dumbfuck base and would rather not babble on about Jesus and gays and abortion any more. WingNutDaily already has stupid articles calling for the formation of a third party, and if that actually happens–with the conservative movement breaking off to form a Shitheads Only Party–that would force the Republicans to the left to claim independents, and the Democrats even further left. That could be a good thing for everyone. The SOP would have little hope in national elections, and maybe the Republicans and Democrats could start focusing on real issues for once.

 

EDIT 11/16/2012: Ed Brayton gets in on the Farah-Bashing fun. I had it first, damn it! Find your own poorly written psycho op-eds to bash! 😉

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*Head Explodes*

With gay marriage passing in Maryland and Maine, and weed legalization passing in Colorado and Washington, this was a great election if you like drugs and dick. I’m not into either, but I support people’s right to do them if they want, so I was excited about this. The weed thing really surprised me–I never thought it would pass. Plus, the Democrats managed to keep control of the Senate and prevented Rapey McGee and Rapey McGoo in Missouri and Indiana from reaching it. So that’s awesome. Oh, and something or other about the White House happened. Yawn.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad Obama won. But I find it difficult to get excited about him. He’s a moderate democrat masquerading as a conservative democrat who knows how to add nice touches of rhetorical flourish to his speeches but not how to follow through on his promises.  But one thing I was looking forward to was watching the right wing’s many bloated heads explode when he won a second term. And Joseph Farah of WingNutDaily handed me a healthy dose of schadenfreude with this headline:

America pronounces judgment on itself

*Kablooey!* Little bits of Farah head smear the walls, and I laugh my ass off.

I feel like this title was intended to be read ominously through a booming megaphone with Carmina Burana playing in the background. Fire and brimstone rain down on gay weddings in legal marijuana stores. Black people have buttsex with terrorists for affordable healthcare in the streets while the Four Horsemen read Karl Marx and eat arugula. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.

And the amusing hyperbole continues in the article itself.

For many of us, the unthinkable has happened.

I felt the same way when the Thunder traded James Harden away. You know what? I got over it. But the conservative “traditional values” crowd aren’t exactly known for getting over things. Hell, they’ve still got their panties in a wad over losing the Civil War.

And in what universe was this outcome “unthinkable”? Obama lead through most of the campaign, and most experts picked him to win. You may not like it, but you should have seen it coming. Oh, wait, that’s right. Those are “facts” I’m referring to. I apologize. I forgot about your fact allergies.

In sum, lots of things are unthinkable when you don’t think.

America has decisively turned the corner away from the constitutional principles of limited government and self-government with the re-election of Barack Obama.

And by “limited government and self-government” we mean ” don’t stick your dick in a butt.”

There may be no way home for us.

Boo hoo hoo! You lost. Someone has to lose every election. Deal with it. Seriously, what a fucking crybaby.

We have allowed our fellow Americans to pronounce judgment on the nation.

That’s what Obama represents to me – God’s judgment on a people who have turned away from Him and His ways and from everything for which our founders sacrificed their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor.

Farah is so flabbergasted by things not going his way that the only explanation he can come up with that seems to fit the momentousness of his not getting his way is that an omnipotent being must be punishing millions of people for the horrible crimes of not fag-punching and giving medicine to poor people.

This does shed some light on what he meant by “unthinkable” earlier on. So enamored is he with his own delusional worldview that the thought of it failing is simply unfathomable. His little lizard brain just can’t process the cognitive dissonance.

The nation is divided like never before – intentionally so.

I hate it when people say this bullshit. So are we more divided now than we were during the Civil Fucking War? And not even just that. Are we more divided now than we were during the Vietnam War and the struggle for black civil rights? Are we more divided now than back when thousands of black people were being lynched and black churches full of children were being bombed by white terrorists? Are we more divided than we were in 1920 when the debate over women’s suffrage was raging?

It’s become a common trope amongst those who follow politics but don’t think about politics that our nation lacks “civility”, and that politics used to be so “civil” back in some fantasy past, but now we’re “divided” and the “tone” of politics today is just too “strident” and “negative”.  Bullshit. American politics was never civil. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this way back in the 1830s, and discusses the vociferousness of American political debate at length in Democracy in America.

We’re not divided like never before. We’re doing what we’ve always done, such as call the President a Marxist Terrorist Communist Atheist Muslim Usurper from Kenya who hates America and wants to kill your grandmother. Normal politics, actually.

That has been Obama’s game plan from the beginning – to build a constituency of special-interest groups that truly believe their salvation is found in bigger government, more programs, irresponsible spending and unconstitutional policies.

Religious right groups are interest groups too, you stupid fuck. This would be like if the coach of the Charlotte Bobcats said that the reason they suck is because of Teams. If it weren’t for all the dirty, filthy Teams ruining the NBA, the Bobcats would be on top and make basketball the way it used to be back in the past, the way Naismith intended it to be. Stupid teams.

This election could very well represent the beginning of the end of the American Dream, American exceptionalism, the American way.

The American dream and the American way never existed to begin with, and American exceptionalism can fuck itself with a live badger for all I care.

But it’s no time to give up – to throw up our hands in disgust and walk away from politics. Neither is it time to surrender to the radical social agenda Obama has championed to win his victory.

It’s time to change tactics.

Change tactics? You mean, like, stop demonizing minorities, stop lying about science, stop inventing fake history about the Founding Fathers, stop using other people’s rights as wedge issues, stop attacking women’s rights, stop spreading lunacy about your invisible friend, stop trying to start war after war just to sate your lust for the blood of brown skinned people?

It’s time to raise our collective voices of outrage.

Voicing outrage is all you people do. What would the religious right have to live for if not outrage? I was honestly beginning to believe that outrage was some kind of currency among you people.

But, at the end of the day, people generally get the kind of government they deserve.

No. Not true. Nobody deserved George W. Bush. Nobody. Not even Texas. I wouldn’t even wish him on Canada.

I’m not going to lie to you.

LOL.

The America haters are running the country for another four years.

Well, the ones who insist that they’re the real America lovers really fucked the country up between 2000 and 2008, so I’ll take my chances with the haters.

Most of all, it’s time for collective repentance.

Only a miracle can save us – and we need to humble ourselves before God and pray hard for one.

Maybe god could give us one of those miracles from the Bible that proves he’s so All-Powerful. Like fish-multiplication. If he turned a small number of fish into a large number of fish, that would prove that he’s got power over THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE and save America. At least, that plan makes more sense than how he chose to “save” us.

Can we find our way home? Is the political system even viable for us anymore? Has our heritage of representative government been permanently robbed from us?

For guys like Farah, a government isn’t representative unless it represents the right people. Obama won the election and takes office supported by the majority of Americans? Screw that! Democracy isn’t about the people voting for the candidate they want to represent them. It’s about someone who agrees with me fucking over people I don’t like.

And don’t think I don’t smell the “second amendment remedies” lurking in a god-humper who asks “Is the political system even viable for us anymore?” We all know what that means.

But we must not retreat. We must not hide. We must not be intimidated. We must not stop fighting for truth, justice and the American way.

Okay, that last bit convinces me that Farah wrote this while wearing his Superman undies and cape while crying over a sad little peanut butter sandwich that his mom cut the crusts off of for him. His mom wipes crumbs off of his hideous mustache and assures him, “There there, dear. Don’t you worry about those mean old rational people. You’re still mommy’s little boy! Now, go harass a fag or two and you’ll feel all better.”

Maybe we deserve this punishment for taking our lifestyles for granted. Maybe we deserve this judgment for our own individual and collective sins. Maybe there’s still time to turn things around because we serve a Creator of second and third chances.

Since when does eternal punishment involve second chances?

Whatever. The article ends with one more blob of the inert jelly that passes for brains in Farah’s head splattering against the wall:

One thing is for certain: Our national condition is going to get much worse before it gets better.

Not as long as I have you around for entertainment, Joey boy. As long as the Democrats keep winning and you keep melting down, I’m a happy man indeed.

Thinking it doesn’t make it so

When a publication has the balls to call itself “The American Thinker”, one is entirely warranted to approach its material with certain expectations. Its material should be well written, erudite, and thought provoking. Its claims should be properly cited. It should choose journalists based on their expertise in the field under discussion. An educated person should find the articles contained within challenging and enlightening. It’s The American Thinker, not CNN or Fox News after all. It should rise above.

Nope.

It’s garbage. And let me be clear. There’s a difference between attacking mostly respectable publications for publishing trash, and what I’m doing here. I have earlier disparaged the Chronicle of Higher Education, but The American Thinker (TAT) is on a completely different level. The CHE does sometimes publish good stuff. TAT is just pure bullshit. My attacks on CHE are just for certain shoddy articles by a particular person. TAT is a collection of deluded wingnuts that publishes only garbage. And William L. Gensert is a prime example of what’s wrong.

If anything, the closer we get to Election Day, the more apparent it is that Obama is not only losing, but losing big.  The Obama campaign, and by “campaign” I mean members of the media and polling organizations, is trying to convince prospective Romney voters to believe that all is lost — in which case, they hope, we will stay home.

But just because they say so, that doesn’t make it true.

But when you say so, it does make it true? How exactly are you in a better position to predict an Obama loss than the people who are polling American voters?

Everyone knew from the outset that Obama, with his sad record of continuous failure on almost every front, was going to air out his inner bitterness and envy, and campaign negatively.

Everyone knew that! Everyone knew that the pathetic, horrible Obama would rely on negative campaigning to prop up his awful, terrible, unamerican, evil, communist, freedom-hating administration. Only baby-raping ungodly monsters who fail at life would ever engage in negative campaigning. And if Romney wins, all these negative terms will disappear from my rhetoric, proving that it’s Obama who’s running the negative campaign.

But did anyone suspect that his sole hope for victory would rest on trying to suppress the vote of his opponent with naked media bias and polling — most of which assumes a higher Democrat turnout than in 2008, when the electorate, many Republicans included, swallowed whole Obama’s vision of “hope and change”?

The polls don’t actually assume that. And when it comes to voter suppression, the Republicans pretty much have that covered.

Well, three and a half years later, the digestion of that particular meal has given America and Americans an ulcer — a bleeding ulcer.  I can attest to that — every time I see the man or hear him speak, it makes me sick to my stomach.

America and Americans think you’re an idiot. I can attest to that because I feel sick in my tummy when I hear someone say you’re not an idiot.

Please explain to me why my reasoning differs from yours.

It is ludicrous to maintain that Obama, a curiously small giant of humanity, is ahead anywhere in this nation by 10%.

Ludicrous, I tell you! All the polling organizations have is the polls they conducted with thousands of Americans. That’s nothing–NOTHING!– compared to the icky-poo feelings I have in my tummy when I hear that black guy talk. Case closed! My poopy feelings are what really matter! Now give me a juice box and something shiny to play with!

The recent meme of the inevitability of Barack Obama is merely the delusional desperation of sycophantic minions.  What else do they have?  What else can they say?

They could just insist that their guy will win because thinking otherwise makes them feel gassy and whiny. Just a suggestion.

The polls allege Obama is ahead by 10% in Ohio (or should I use the Hawaiian spelling, “Oiho”) — a mining state — where part of the economy depends on King Coal and the money it brings in.  This is the man who, through his agents at the EPA, has singlehandedly destroyed the coal industry in America.

Obama won Ohio by almost 5% in 2008, despite the fact that his current platform is even less liberal than his 2008 platform. And one thing you’re ignoring–a lot of those coal mine workers are union members.

Regardless, you aren’t offering any contradictory data at all. You’re basically just pointing out the fact that the reality contradicts your ideological presumptions, then concluding that reality must be wrong. I see a bright future in the Republican party for you.

He is said to be ahead by 12% in Pennsylvania — also a mining state, and home of the Marcellus Shale natural gas field.  Yet even the uninformed know that under Barack Obama there will be no drilling for oil, mining coal, or building nuclear power plants.  And probably in a second term, the EPA will shut down fracking, which means no natural gas either.

Yeah…he’s way ahead.

Ha! Stupid pollsters asking real Americans in Pennsylvania what they actually think! They should ask my dumb ass what I think! Obama can’t be leading in PA if my shallow understanding of economics won’t let him!

In Florida, he is leading by 9%.  It is beyond belief that the state, with its large population of seniors and Jews, is going to vote overwhelmingly for the man whose signature legislation, ObamaCare, decimates Medicare and who has marginalized and insulted Israel repeatedly during his entire term.  Remember, he had time for Whoopi, but not for Netanyahu.

But it’s totally believable that elderly Jews in Florida would support Paul Ryan’s plan to gut Medicare over Obama’s plan which actually expands Medicare.

And let’s not forget that Florida is a state with no state income tax.  In fact, many people move there for that reason — how do you think they got Lebron?

They got Lebron through Lebron behaving like a total asshole.

I don’t think Florida wants to be known as the Asshole Magnet of America, but that’s where they’re going if we follow this reasoning.

Yet we are supposed to believe they will vote for the man who gave us 20 new taxes through Obamacare and plans to raise taxes all around?  And if you don’t think his proposed one-year extension for most of the Bush tax cuts, set to expire January 1, 2013, is not a plan to let all tax rates rise a year later, you haven’t been paying attention.

Yeah…he’s going to win big there.

Again, Obama doesn’t fit my childish preconceptions, so of course he can’t win. You seem to be determined to make this case without even the possibility of empirical evidence ever being part of the discussion. Where exactly do you get to the part where I shouldn’t pay attention to the polls? Where do you provide any actual argument for why the polls are flawed? At what point is the title “American Thinker” justified?

The truth is plain to see.  Obama is not going to pick up any new voters with his record of economic destruction and the misery he has foisted upon the electorate.  He will bleed support as his base withers away in the harsh glare of the Obama reality.

“Plain to see” in this case means “Existing entirely within my own feeble mind”.

Take his vote total from 2008 and subtract out some portion of the voters who bought the dream but lived the nightmare.

Then, subtract out some portion of the youth vote, who have discovered that hope means no jobs and student loans they can’t pay, while change means whatever coins they can find underneath the cushions of their mother’s sofa — in whose house they are relegated to live because of poor prospects and lack of opportunity.

Remove the women who don’t agree with abortion on demand and contraceptives for all — free and clear.

Remove the Catholics and other religious “folks” (a favorite Obama term) for the same reason, in addition to his assault on religious freedom, support of same-sex marriage, and antipathy for insulting the prophet of Islam, while accepting any slight on the Judeo-Christian American tradition.

Merely using words like “subtract” and “addition” does not make your unsupported speculation into math.

…Oh my goodness, did I just hurt the feelings of Muslims by not capitalizing “prophet”?  I anxiously await the knock on the door from the Obama secret police.

A visit from the “Obama secret police” is about as likely as a visit from your god.

Remove the sensible, who recognize Obama’s impotence in the face of Iran’s steady march toward acquiring a nuclear weapon.  After all, we have nothing to fear from Iran, a nation whose leaders continuously call for the destruction of Israel and America.

Yeah, it’s the “sensible” who believe that the guy who took out Osama bin Laden and Moammar Gaddafi is soft on terrorism.

In addition, many blacks, who have suffered most under this man’s policies, will not be there for him this time around.  They may not vote against him — racial solidarity, and all that — but many will certainly stay home.

Stupid is so much more annoying when it’s condescending.

With that in mind, can anyone say there is the same level of electoral enthusiasm for the president as there was in 2008?

Of course not. But your guy Romney is a big part of why. How do I know there’s little enthusiasm towards him? Well, one piece of evidence is the fact that in your 1200 word article about how he’s gonna win so easily, you only mention his name a grand total of 3 times. But the name Obama occurs 21 times. In fact, you’re not saying anything about Romney winning. Rather, all you care about is Obama losing. And you’re certainly not the only dingleberry on the right who’s approaching the election this way. And let’s not forget that earlier you accused Obama of running a negative campaign.

The once unstoppable Obama movement has constipated to a halt.  He was once a god, and now he is man — a nasty, unsuccessful man, who blames everyone and everything for his serial failures.

The psychological projection is strong with this one.

Obama is going to lose in a landslide.  And Barack Obama, the media, and the polling organizations will be appropriately shocked.

Shocked, I say!

I say! Appropriately so!

I think I’ve figured out why this publication calls itself The American Thinker. The writers at TAT seem to be under the impression that if they think it, it’s true. Mounds of meticulously collected data from polls don’t mean jack shit if William S. Gensert thinks differently. In his mind, he knows exactly what coal miners in Ohio and Pennsylvania and black people all over the country are thinking and feeling. So there’s no need to actually ask them about it! Women and blacks and blue collar workers won’t support Obama because Gensert won’t, and Romney will win because wishful thinking dictates that it be so. Welcome to Right Wing La La Land.

Might Romney actually win? I dunno, maybe. I hope not, but I also guess it’s not impossible. But you’d have to have your head in the sand to believe that Obama doesn’t have the advantage right now. The truth is that Gensert and his other delusional colleagues on the right are not Thanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet. They can’t just warp reality to their liking merely by unthinking it. And thank non-existent god for that.

Incompetent and Malicious

The saying goes, “Don’t assume malice when incompetence will suffice.” But there are times when both apply, and Victoria Jackson is the paragon of what happens when you marry stupidity and hatred. Which is exactly why I chose to check in on her blog. Let’s see what she has to say…

At the gym today, I plugged my ear phones into the state-of-the-art-Elliptical machine and the only news channel out of the 23 TV’s hanging from the ceiling, was CNN. So, I watched the enemy. It’s fun to see how they distort things, to watch their blatant propaganda.

It’s also, fun to, put commas-and-hyphens where, they don’t belong.,-

I’m sure some CNNies don’t know they are propagandists. They were the kids in high school who copied the captain of the cheerleader’s hairdo without asking questions. 12″ beehive. 12″ beehive. Side bangs in your eye. Side bangs in your eye. No questions asked. They are pod people. They have no soul, so they copy whatever they believe is the “in” thing. Some of the CNNies know they are brainwashing the ignorant masses.

This is totally unrelated: Saturday Night Live is the most overrated and unfunny show on television, and comedians who join the cast do it solely because they think it’s a cool show that the good comedians do. And they think that if they go on it they’ll be stars, but most SNL alumni just become hacks.

That has nothing to do with Victoria Jackson’s pathetic tenure on SNL and her subsequent irrelevance in the world of comedy. She totally has a soul and shit.

Suddenly, the gym CNN is blasting a story of how a homosexual man is helping other homosexuals adopt children. He speaks about the personal, passionate sacrifice of his time for this cause as if he were Mother Theresa. I’m appalled. Homosexuals-adopting-children is child abuse. No, it’s pedophilia and sexual molestation. Teaching a young mind, a clean slate, an innocent soul that homosexuality is a natural, normal and moral lifestyle is evil. How is gay adoption different from the recently jailed Penn State Jerry Sandusky, child molester case?

…I suspect that this is one of those questions that you aren’t really expecting an answer for.

To top it all off, CNN called the segment, “Heroes!” CNN said if you want to submit someone as a hero, go to Heroes.com.  I think Benjamin Smith risking his life as a Navy Seal in Iraq is a hero, or my husband the cop, risking his life every day for 30 years to catch bad guys is a hero, not a gay man making out with his “partner” in front of his poor, adopted foster child, who is held hostage and forced to watch the pornography.

The homophobe’s vision of gay life is much kinkier than the actual thing. That says more about the homophobe than it does about the homosexual. In Victoria Jackson’s mind, a gay couple suck each other off in the living room while their kids watch Sesame Street. Her mind is much dirtier than anything going on in gay homes.

With all the TV shows, Modern Family, Glee, etc., and today’s Huff Po video of straight guys kissing at Chick Fil A “to make a statement,” I’m getting really tired of the topic. And then, my husband tells me an Army Brigadiere General brought her wife to her promotion ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery! What?! A wife can’t have a wife?! Who’s the insane person here? Is this a Twilight Zone episode?

I can’t tell if that’s a question or an exclamation?! I’m also pretty sure you misspelled “brigadier”?!

As for who’s the insane person here, I’m pretty sure it’s the hateful bitch who calls people “Twilight Zone” simply because they’re living a lifestyle different from her own. On the right wing that’s pretty much all it takes to be “insane”–just be different than what the person flapping his/her jaw is used to.

Seriously?! So, there was a parade with transvestites, and men in leather straps holding giant, rubber, anatomically correct genitals as props, swishing next to our uniformed military out in the street?!

Ummm… So now we know what Victoria Jackson jills off to in her free time… I wish I’d never known that. Seriously?!

And THEN… the Democratic Party announces, “DEMOCRATIC PLATFORM SUPPORTS SAME-SEX MARRIAGE”  Why isn’t anyone freaking out?

If you had even an ounce of self-awareness, I’d think that was an attempt at humor.

I wish I could forget about the social issues and focus only on the economic issues. I try. But, it’s impossible. Every issue comes down to what you believe is right and wrong.

This is a relatively new refrain from the Republican alternate universe, and it’s revealing. It’s becoming obvious that the real power brokers in the Republican party (i.e. those who have the money) are growing increasingly uncomfortable with the “movement conservatism” base that the party has been riding since Nixon’s southern strategy. The petty-minded, bible-babbling, homophobic, creationist bigots that have been this party’s bread and butter for 4 decades, but it comes with a cost. The party’s image has suffered, and people often perceive them as backwards, ignorant, out of touch, and just plain creepy.

This creates a dilemma–how do you keep the dumbfuck rubes on your side while not alienating those who don’t believe that buttsex will usher in the Apocalypse (by which I mean, normal human beings)? The answer they seem to have settled on is to claim that they don’t really care about abortion and homosexuality, and would rather just focus on “economic issues” (i.e. making the rich richer), but it keeps getting forced on them. This is a totally disingenuous move on their part, but I also take it as a positive sign. My guess is that the Republican power brokers really would like to move away from prayer in schools, homophobia, anti-evolutionism, anti-abortionism, etc. That’s a good thing. But I don’t know if they can ever fully abandon these issues, seeing as they’ve whipped up their base to the point where they think the very fate of the world depends on keeping schlongs out of buttholes and teaching children that reading the Bible is a science experiment.

Jane Lynch just announced publicly, “F**K Chick Fil-A!” I publicly stood up for Chick-Fil-A, and I don’t use the F word.  Jane believes her morals are just and loving. I believe my morals are just and loving.  We can’t both be right.

Fuck no, you can’t.

Jane’s the one who’s right, by the way.

The lines are clearly drawn. Which side are you on? Or, are you one of those people who say nothing and sit on the fence, the “moderate,” the lukewarm? Jesus said in Rev. 3:15, “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I vomit you out of My mouth.” Pastors who preach nothing.  People who won’t put a sign in their yard, or a bumper sticker on their car. Christians who don’t vote.

I gotta admit, the image of Jesus vomiting is a rather bizarre choice for inspiring religious extremism. I bet Jesus’ puke smells like fish.

A guy on my airplane last week wore a T shirt that said, “One Nation…under surveillance.” Bravo for speaking up.

Pretty sure he was talking about the Patriot Act, honey. But you just keep thinking everything is about fags.

Just like the fable, The Emperor’s New Clothes, I feel like everyone is lining the street, bowing to the Emperor and telling him, “You are our great leader! You have saved our economy! And you are right, “Christian” Emperor, homosexuality is normal!”

If you keep fingering yourself over naked gay guys I’m gonna pull a Jesus and barf all over my keyboard.

I say, “He hates America. We are in an economic crises he has purposefully made worse and homosexuality is not normal.”

Well, you do say a lot of really stupid shit.

The people look at me with disdain, “Hush! You are hateful!”

I would never tell you to hush.  Where would I find my entertainment if you stopped flapping your dumb, hateful jaw?

“But he’s not a Christian, he’s a Communist! It’s so obvious! …’spread the wealth,’ and, the Bible says homosexuality is a sin.”

Okay, you’re just randomly stringing together non-thoughts at this point. Is your blog entry actually going anywhere?

The people and CNN spit on me and walk away. I see a few faces across the street with spit on their faces. I am not alone.

Oh, poor wittle you.

The lines are clearly drawn now:

Obama and his czars hold up Tyranny.

Romney/Ryan shout, “Liberty!”

Obama and his Greenies say, “Wind/solar.”

Romney/Ryan/common sense say, “Drill, baby, drill here!”

O says, “Make America a third world country.”

Romney/Ryan say, “U.S. is exceptional!”

O says, “One World Socialism.”

Romney/Ryan says, “Socialism fails every time.”

Obama and the Democrats applaud homosexuality.

Romney/Ryan shout, “Traditional Marriage!”

Obama and the Progressives bribe, “Free Stuff for all.”

Romney/Ryan affirm, “Balance the Budget.”

Obama and the Communists offer slavery to the poor.

Romney/Ryan offer opportunity to the poor.

Congratulations, you’ve somehow managed to get the platforms of both candidates entirely wrong while simultaneously regurgitating more brainless boilerplate catchphrases than should ever be together on one page in any just universe. And someone please tell the right wing nutbags that the Cold War is over already. Next thing you know they’ll be protesting the Norman invasion.

(*Biden says nothing. He was forbidden to open his mouth. He applies to Ringling Brothers for a job as a clown.)

Can’t argue with you there. I guess that in 1100 words you were bound to say something true at some point.

Can any American really be on the fence anymore?

Where does it end? Sodom and Gomorrah burnt up.

Jude 1:7 In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.

But you’re not hateful. Oh, no. There’s nothing hateful about threatening gays with fire. That’s just some good old fashioned Christian love right there.

In the end, what have we learned from Victoria Jackson’s hateful, barely coherent rant? We’ve learned that social conservatism holds a special appeal for those who have particularly addled and disconnected thought processes. An incoherent mind is much more comfortable as long as all incoming information remains familiar and unchallenging. When something comes in that disrupts the comforting status quo, it reacts with hostility. Unable to actually formulate a response on its own, it borrows from others and vomits up catchy bromides about its own familiar affiliations and hateful slanders about the perceived threats. Victoria Jackson certainly fits this bill. She knows how to repeat platitudes she’s heard from others, but little else.

It’s sad. I hate SNL, but I actually liked UHF. Although, to be honest, she’s the most bland and forgettable character in the film, so fuck her.