The Dumbest Comment in the Universe

The Atlantic Wire recently posted an article on recent poll data regarding the issues of gay marriage, affirmative action, and the NSA. It says about what one would think. Most Americans favor gay marriage, oppose affirmative action, and really hate the NSA. This is consistent with what several other polls have shown. It comes as no surprise.

But, oh, the comments on that article. A piece that involves both homosexuality and race is bound to bring out the pudding-brained godfuckers and hate-sucking bigots, and this one is no exception. There are a ton of dumb-as-a-box-of-finely-sifted-shit comments on it. But one in particular really stood out to me, so I thought I’d single it out for some mockery.  Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to the man who calls himself vanhellsinger:

vanhellslinger 2 hours ago

The numbers change from day to day. For Example.

Now, normally when a human being types something like this, statistics usually follow. But that’s only true in this case if you speak some strange language in which “statistics” means “utter fucking imbecilic lunacy.”

Since the beginning of gay rights which started when Obama was elected…

Wait wait wait. Let me pull a Kanye here. I’ma let you finish, but first I gotta point something out. If you think Obama invented gay rights, you seriously haven’t been paying attention. I mean, where have you fucking been for, oh, the last thirty fucking years or so? You do realize that when the Netherlands became the first country to legalize gay marriage in 2001, Obama was a state senator in Illinois, and no one outside of that state even knew who the fuck he was, right? This is another way of asking just how goatfuckingly stupid do you have to be to think gay rights started with Obama?

Anyways, please continue.

Since the beginning of gay rights which started when Obama was elected the number of violent attacks against homosexuals has risen exponentially.

I mentioned this last time, but it bears repeating. The right wing bigots love pointing to the problems that they themselves create by discriminating as justification for discrimination. It’s like a dog that shits on your carpet then demands a laxative. “See this shit? This shit proves that you need to help me shit more.” Fuck you, dog. How about I rub your nose in your shit, whap you with a rolled up copy of the Constitution, and throw your ass outside where there’s no carpet for you to shit on?

Millions of people are outraged that a proven degenerate behavior is being promoted as a civil right.

Vanhellsinger of course provides no evidence for this. But like all bigots, he speaks for the people! And the people, apparently, are fucking nitwits.

Why not make having cancer a civil right?

Are you suggesting we shouldn’t let people with cancer get married?

Giving minorities a job, promotion, passing grade, and much more just because they are black is so wrong with obviously most people.

Who the fuck gives people a passing grade just because they’re black? I’ve taught at universities for years and never seen anyone do that.

Look what AA got us a President with what appears as an educated intelligent man, but is he?

I can tell someone here is not an educated, intelligent man.

The NSA leak is just another way for the liberals to distract us from the real issues-

Yeah, they’re distracting us by making Obama look  like an asshole. What a brilliant strategy!

The failure of ObamaCare

I don’t like it, therefore it’s a failure!

So if I don’t like the Miami Heat, does that mean I can just give last year’s NBA championship to the OKC Thunder? Because I’d love to do that.

the Fraud of Gay Rights

Let’s be clear here. This guy is actually saying that the NSA scandal was a conspiracy to distract us from the fact that gay rights isn’t real. It takes a special kind of mind to come up with something like that. It’s one of those special minds that rides the special bus and wears a special helmet.

a President that is a coward and unable to defend the American people- Bhengazi

Yeah, the president is soft on terror. I mean, all he does is send flying death robots around the world to kill al Qaeda members whenever they poke their heads above ground. What a pussy.

and not doing anything about Nuclear development in Iran and NK.

“Not doing anything” must mean “levying heavy sanctions on both countries and building up our military presence in the region in response” to this guy.

I suspect the democrats orchestrated this NSA scandal.

You thought I was kidding earlier when I said this guy actually fucking thinks that the NSA is a conspiracy to distract us from our God-given duty to hate fags? Nope. He really is that deranged.

I often wonder what the world must look like to one of these people who think everything is a conspiracy based around whatever they happen to hate.

“My coffee maker broke! Fucking homos!”

“A bird shit on my car! God damn you, Obama!”

“ObamaCare spoiled the end of Game of Thrones for me! Nooooooo!”

Dems have destroyed America ever since the civil war, FDR, Truman, JFK all were bad leaders and caused mass death in unnecessary wars.

…Unnecessary wars? You mean like World War II, the war that FDR and Truman fought? You think we need to bomb Iran and North Korea, but we shouldn’t have retaliated for Pearl Harbor, or stopped the Nazis from overrunning Europe?

And that’s the sentiment on which this dingleberry ends his dribble. Obama created fags, and we should have let the Nazis win. Thank you, Internet, for making me aware of this guy’s existence. Now excuse me while I go take a shower and silently weep for humanity’s future.

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When someone says “abortion pills”, you know they’re an idiot

That intellectual stalwart known as the Daily Oklahoman saw fit to publish the following cartoon as if it had an actual point to make.

It's sad but true: Fifteen year old girls are often smarter than their parents.

It’s sad but true: Fifteen year old girls are often smarter than their parents.

Where to begin with this bullshit? Well, let’s start with the most idiotic aspect and work back from there.

An R-rated movie about fucking “abortion pills”? That sounds like it’ll sell a lot of fucking movie tickets. Maybe Optimus Prime will transform into an abortion pill in the next Transformers movie. I mean, why the fuck not? It’s not like that would do any more damage to the franchise than Michael Bay has done already.

How many fucking movies about “abortion pills” are there, anyways? And why the fuck do the right wingers suddenly think there are a bunch of abortion pill movies out there? Do they even watch movies? The whole concept of this cartoon hinges on the idea that there’s something hypocritical about letting children have this thing vs. letting them watch a movie about this thing. But there are hardly any god damn movies about the thing in question, so it’s a stupid fucking comparison. Having “abortion pills” vs. watching movies about “abortion pills” is not a real issue in the real world.

Here’s a more apt comparison. Sometimes, idiotic and irresponsible parents buy guns for their five year old children, who then go on to kill their siblings. There’s a fuck ton of R-Rated movies about guns, and apparently god-humping right wing dingleberries are comfortable with giving kids as young as 5 a gun, but would never let these heavily armed children watch an R-rated movie.* Where’s the fucking Daily Oklahoman cartoon about that? That’s a real life example of “You can have it, but you can’t watch a movie about it,” and it’s a hell of a lot younger than 15, too.

Setting that stupidity aside, there’s no such thing as an “abortion pill”. The term was invented by woman-hating busybodies on the right for a pill that a woman can take shortly after sex to prevent pregnancy. All it does is prevent a zygote–which, I remind you, is a SINGLE CELL–from implanting in the uterus, so a pregnancy doesn’t occur. In the god-humper’s mind, this single cell is more important than the well-being of the actual living, breathing human woman who carries it. Think about that. They think parents should be able to force her to have a child at only 15–which will negatively affect the remainder of her life–rather than let her take a pill that prevents a single cell from implanting in her body. That’s how fucking sick these people are. Single cells are more important than the lives of 15 year old girls.

Setting that stupidity aside, a 15 year old girl DOESN’T need her parents’ permission to see an R-rated movie. She just needs to be accompanied by someone over 17, who doesn’t have to be a parent. That’s it. And even that rule is only loosely enforced by the theaters. Anyone who thinks that the MPAA’s system actually makes it so that parents get to determine what R-rated movies their teenagers see is a fucking naive twat. And why the fuck would you want to be so controlling of your teenager’s life, anyways? Let them see some fucking movies. Yes, your 15 year old daughter is watching R-rated movies without your permission. Deal with it, you puerile prude.

Setting that stupidity aside, the government has no say whatsoever in how old you have to be to see a movie. There’s this thing called the First Amendment you might want to look into. The government can regulate how old you need to be to take a drug, but not watch a movie. They’re two completely unrelated issues.

Setting that stupidity aside… “Abortemall”? Seriously? You think the people who make the morning after pill just want to abort all the pregnancies there are? Then why aren’t they grabbing women who have recently had sex and forcing the pills down their throats?  The pill is entirely voluntary. But that’s what you guys really hate about it, isn’t it? Women (and teenage girls) can go and buy these pills of their own free will, thereby making their own decisions about whether they get pregnant or not. In the theocrats’ minds, women and girls making their own choices about their bodies is the same as aborting all pregnancies.

Setting that stupidity aside… Oh, god damn it, I’m tired of this. This cartoon is an onion of stupidity–each layer of imbecility pulls back to reach yet another stinky, tear-inducing layer of retarded bullshit. I’m done.

I could go on. There’s the whole thing about portraying a 15 year old wearing a 9 year old’s pig tail hair style, or the egregious skull and crossbones on the box, or the box office that looks like it’s from 1946, or the fact that the cartoonist felt the need to put “abortion pills” in red ink just in case he was being too subtle… But if I went through everything about this cartoon that’s ball-crunchingly stupid, I’d be at it all day. Suffice it to say that the Daily Oklahoman ain’t doing itself any favors by publishing the work of this ignorant, untalented hack (whoever he is). But then, when has the Daily Oklahoman ever done anybody any favors?**

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*It should be noted that I have no objection to portraying guns in movies, and honestly don’t care if a 15 year old watches a violent R-rated movie or not. But I have to wonder why any moron who agrees with this cartoon thinks it’s okay to put a gun in a kid’s hand if you won’t let them watch a movie about guns.

** The answer is, “When they’re wealthy and need their questionable business practices promoted without any skepticism whatsoever.”