Comic Relief: The Girl Who Loved Stupidity (part 2)

Welcome to installment #6 of Comic Relief. To see the earlier installments, go to the Comic Relief Index.

To see Part 1 of my review of Hansi: The Girl Who Loved the Swastika, click here.

So, let’s recap where we left off. Hansi, the dumbest bitch in Czechoslovakia, has become a devoted Hitler Youth follower and blindly regurgitates Nazi propaganda without any thought or reflection whatsoever. She’s so blinded by Nazism that she decides to stay in Prague even when the Russians are invading, complete with their borscht and vodka and communism and all. Her boyfriend, Rudy, says he hopes she gets raped to teach her a lesson, and this is exactly what happens. Except that everyone except her gets raped, because that’s how the plot wants things to be.  She and her friend Hair Helmet easily escape the Russian concentration camp they were in, and now they’re on the run.

What to do?

"Because there's no rape in the American military. Besides, we'll probably be taken prisoner, and I've heard there's even less rape in American prisons! USA #1!!!"

“Because there’s no rape in the American military. Besides, we’ll probably be taken prisoner, and I’ve heard there’s even less rape in American prisons! USA #1!!!”

Okay, I get the gangsters part. But “gum-chewing”? Why would Czechoslovakians hate our mastication-based freedoms?

Hansi and Hair Helmet keep moving west in search of Glorious Wonderful Americans, and along the way they have a pseudo-philosophical debate about peace and love, which causes Hansi to recall her mother’s advice about not forgetting Jesus, because all the pain and suffering she’s witnessed (and that this supposedly omnipotent being must have just stood by and watched) still hasn’t sunk in. Gang rape? Jesus loves me!

After joining up with a group of refugees trying to make a clandestine run for the border into West Germany, they are spotted by Russian soldiers.

The "miracle" of hiding and being quiet, you fucking moron. It was just two panels ago.

The “miracle” of hiding and being quiet, you fucking moron. It was just two panels ago.

Hansi has now very suddenly started aping certain Christian platitudes, such as attributing events to “miracles” even when the actual, mundane cause is really fucking bloody obvious. Don’t expect the comic to be consistent with this, though. But it is notable that the Christian boilerplate re-entered her patois only after the Instructional Rape that Rudy wished upon her. Written by a woman, folks.

Look in the background in that top panel. I’m pretty sure Hair Helmet is dead. At least, I think. She appears to take a bullet. We don’t see her any more after this panel. Hansi apparently doesn’t give a shit about her, because poor Hair Helmet doesn’t have any more of a role in the rest of the story than Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Hansi never mentions her again. Hansi: Stupid, and selfish.

"I remember hearing about gum-chewing gangsters from somebody...who was it? Ah well, she was probably a twat anyways."

“I remember hearing about gum-chewing gangsters from somebody…who was it? Ah well, she was probably a twat anyways.”

Is gum-chewing gonna be some kind of weird leitmotif in this comic from now on?

Anyways, Hansi and the child she rescued are taken in by American soldiers (who are living in barracks much nicer than anything any real soldiers ever lived in).

Of course Spire Christian Comics felt the need to plug Archie and all his Christian wholesomeness in this scene, but this scene is a bit anachronistic. In 1945, the title would have been Archie Comics. It wasn’t shortened to just Archie until the 50s. Get it right, assholes! Besides, if I know anything about the American military, if that guy’s reading an anachronistic Archie comic, it’s this one.

Would you like a Freedom Foot Massage? A Liberty manicure?  Perhaps a Jesus facial?

Would you like a Freedom Foot Massage? A Liberty manicure? Perhaps a Jesus facial?

Rape you? What do you think we are? Russian?

This comic sure knows its audience. Fundamentalists suck at subtlety and nuance, and this comic makes sure to state its point so bluntly that even the dullest godhumper mind can grasp it. Russians bad. Americans good. Breakfast!

Were the American soldiers quilting in their free time?

The Americans give Hansi the royal treatment for a couple pages, then she’s taken in by the Red Cross, where Rudy’s sister finds her and informs her that Rudy’s U-boat was sunk, and he’s presumed dead. Good fucking riddance, I say. Sleep with the rapist fishes, Rudy.

By this comic's logic, that means Rudy's mom got raped.

Ugh. By this comic’s logic, that means Rudy’s mom got raped, too.

Why does everyone love Hansi so much? For a comic about the cruelties of WWII, Hansi seems to get off horse-fuckingly easy in every single situation. Horrible things are happening all around her, but she’s always just fine. Even the Russian rapists spare her. The Americans treat her like she’s the fucking Queen of Free Blowjobs. Rudy’s sister seems to love her more than her own mother. Hair Helmet took a fucking bullet for her.

And yet, all she does is just fucking stare stupidly into the distance and puke up stereotypes and propaganda she absorbed from others. Other than the fact that she’s got a pretty face (clearly modeled on Betty Cooper–go back to that gang rape scene and imagine it in an issue of Betty and Veronica), what appealing qualities does she have? She even hates gum!

She gets a job as a teacher in Bavaria, and her life is fucking wonderful and perfect. As lives in war-torn nations are, naturally.

The hills are alive with the sound of white privilege!

The hills are alive with the sound of privilege!

Hansi, you selfish bitch! You’re surrounded by people who survived the Holocaust, the families of those who didn’t, soldiers who were traumatized by the most destructive war ever fought, families devastated by all the fucking carnage and horror attendant to worldwide warfare, and you learn that your ex didn’t die a horrible death in a sunken U-boat along with all his comrades, and your very first thought is whether you should date him again?

Fuck. You.

Wait. Is that Hair Helmet? Is she a redhead now? I honestly can’t tell. The comic never tells us who this redheaded chick is, and we never see her again. I don’t think she’s Hair Helmet, as she appeared to be quite dead earlier. Unless… Oh my god, she’s a ginger zombie! She’s going to eat our brains! (Don’t worry, Hansi, you’re safe.)

The ginger zombie apocalypse might go some way in explaining the Dutch angles on those last two panels. Every now and then the artist tilts a couple panels, but there usually seems to be little rhyme or reason to it. Maybe he/she just got bored drawing Jesus crap for a hack publisher and decided to mix things up for shits and giggles.

So, anyways, yeah. Rudy’s back. Turns out he escaped in an inflatable raft. How the fuck he pulled that off in a submarine is anybody’s guess. He and Hansi get married. Because that’s what you do when you’re a girl. You marry the guy who said he hopes you get raped. But the marriage is unfulfilling. What could be missing?

Get out the Q-Tips, bitch, 'cause you're about to get ear-fucked by scripture!

Get out the Q-Tips, bitch, ’cause you’re about to get ear-fucked by scripture!

Hansi is reluctant at first (for, like, a single panel). But before long…

How fucking big is the print on that Bible?

How fucking big is the print on that Bible?

She and Rudy just start mindlessly regurgitating one Christian trope after another. All it takes is a few Bible verses and their little pea-brains are immediately won over.

Let’s note something important here. Hansi has not changed. She just as much of a blind follower as ever. She’s just as spoiled and myopic as ever. She’s the same person she was from page 1, but with a layer of Jesus smeared over her. That’s it.

And when has she ever been disappointed? Almost everything has gone her way, and every hardship she’s faced has been easily circumvented. Every shit-eatingly stupid decision she’s made has only resulted in harm coming to other people, like Rudy (sunken U-Boat) and Hair Helmet (raped, shot, and zombified).

The shallowness and gullibility of her character of course would be lost on this comic’s target audience. You can see why in the second panel above. “Do we DARE to believe?” As if gullible belief in a bunch of old fables is somehow a brave act. As if joining the Christian majority in the West is somehow courageous. “Dare to be a blind follower!” Because if your beliefs are petty, childish, and simpleminded, you can console yourself with the lie that you’re actually a hero.

Anyways, Rudy and Hansi take their new found faith and move to America. But they’re shocked when they arrive.

Go back to Czechoslovakia, you ungrateful whore!

Go back to Czechoslovakia, you ungrateful whore!

Oh my god! America has hippies and litter and black people! Maybe we should go to that Real America Sarah Palin keeps yammering about.

God hates TAB.

God hates TAB.

So diet food is evil now? Is there anything fundamentalists won’t complain about? (That HEALTH AIDS sign is a bit unfortunate, but not unprecedented.)

Hansi decides that America is too materialistic and hedonistic and needs more Jesus. I would inform her that America’s rampant materialism is a direct product of that capitalism thing that the fundamentalists are so fond of, but since she’s shown no sign of being able to connect two ideas that some authoritarian belief system didn’t already connect for her, it would be a waste of time. Hansi blames the problems she sees in her students on their lack of stupidity, and realizes what the world needs is for her to spread her idiocy far and wide. We then get the most revealing series of panels in the whole comic.

Am I the only one who can't help but think she's having an orgasm during this?

Am I the only one who can’t help but think she’s having an orgasm during this? (And for someone who apparently loves America so much, how did the author manage to get the Pledge of Allegiance wrong? How do you fuck that up?)

Remember when I said she hadn’t changed a bit from when she was a Nazi? Well, that is actually the entire message of this comic. Be like the Nazis, but replace Hitler and Victory with Jesus and America. It’s good to be God’s little fascist robot!

There is no other way to interpret this. Hansi’s flaw wasn’t in her bigotry, her ignorance, her blind jingoism, her sheep-like devotion to an authority figure, her inability to think for herself, or her rah-rah attitude towards the destruction of other nations. Those things are all just fine. She just didn’t include Jesus in the mixture. That’s the only shortcoming that this book ever points out in her.

Hansi goes on to create a ministry where she saves people from horrible fates like being a hippie or not being a God-Nazi. She goes to prisons to preach “the word” (presumably she still thinks there’s no rape in this country, or she might focus on more pressing matters in our prisons). When I think about all the resources people waste on spreading nonsensical beliefs, and think about how many starving people those resources might have fed, I get pretty pissed off. But not as pissed off as these two panels make me.

I'm pretty sure that "Hitler taught me many things" isn't the best way to start a speech.

I’m pretty sure that “Hitler taught me many things” isn’t the best way to start a speech.

Hmmmm. Look at the faces in that crowd. I wonder whom he meant by “militants”…

Hell, that’s just what this comic needed. More fucking racism. Yup. Let’s pile even more of it on for good measure!

"But I have this weird feeling that a white woman is putting words in my mouth."

“But I have this weird feeling that a white woman is putting words in my mouth.”

So Hansi speaks at the prison, inspiring all those black militants to love America for this first time ever.

You know all those accusations against Barack and Michelle Obama that they don’t really love America and are always apologizing for it and they’re also somehow simultaneously atheist and Muslim and communist and terrorist? That shit ain’t new. The right wing has been otherizing blacks as America-hating militants for generations. Kinda like how somebody I’ve heard of would portray the Jews. There was this group–I forget what they’re called–but they always portrayed Jews as rats who were feeding off of society and didn’t sufficiently love some western European country… Hmmmm.

And this is the note on which the comic ends. No shit. There’s just one more panel of Hansi in front of the American flag saying she loves Jesus, and we’re done.

What have we learned from Hansi? Well, the name “Hansi” looks like a diminutive for “Hansel”, which is a boy’s name. So I conclude she must be a cross-dressing homo-Nazi who hates dieting. Makes about as much sense as anything else in this comic.

Comic Relief: The Girl Who Loved Stupidity (part 1)

Welcome to Comic Relief #5. To see the previous installments, go to the Comic Relief Index. 🙂

This time we’re going to take a brief detour. There are several more Lady Satan comics to talk about, but I’ll get to those later. For now, I want to talk about another, rather different comic. There are times when you come across a comic, and as you read it you can’t help but giggle like a school girl at the thought that this comic actually exists and was written unironically. This is one of those times.

Today’s comic was published in 1973 by Spire Christian Comics. That right there should be a clue about how fucking ludicrous it’s going to be. It was intended to convert readers to Christianity. But like most Christian propaganda, it actually couldn’t possibly appeal to anyone who hadn’t already swallowed the Bible pill whole. While it purports to be converting non-Christians, it actually could do nothing more than simply reinforce what Christians already believe. And, unintentionally, be a perfect crystalization of everything that is absurd, appalling, authoritarian, ignorant and simpleminded about conservative Christian beliefs.

You wonder why I would divert myself from Lady Satan, a character I love, to talk about some other comic? Well, you will wonder no more once you see the cover of today’s unholy clusterfuck of a comic.

Buffy went DARK.

Buffy went DARK.

Hansi: The Girl Who Loved the Swastika. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Bear in mind, this comic is nothing but unreflective pro-American and anti-German (and anti-Russian) propaganda. It came out almost 30 years after the war ended. And yet, that cover looks like it could have easily been seen on news stands in Berlin in 1942. We’ve got a beautiful young Aryan-looking girl with (count ’em) eleven swastikas forming a fucking halo around her head as proud German soldiers stand behind her adoring Adolf Hitler, who is right in the line of her blissful, enraptured sight. This comic will attempt (and, disturbingly, fail) to convince us of how evil the Nazis were, but you would never guess that from the cover.

And if you think that this must have been produced by some lonely hack making insane comics with crayons and used toilet paper in his mother’s basement, please allow the advert on the next page to disabuse you of this notion.

If your idea of an exciting comic is something called God is... or Noah's Ark, then you should probably just give up. On everything.

If your idea of an exciting comic is something called “God is…” or “The Gospel Blimp”, then you should probably just give up. On everything.

Do any of those titles stand out to you? And, no, I’m not talking about The Gospel Blimp. Of course I’m referring to all the Archie titles on the list. These were in fact licensed by Archie Comics, as the creator of Spire Christian Comics was a writer at Archie and had enough power and influence that he could actually convince the company to let him publish his own Archie Comics under his own company’s name. Imagine Marvel or DC letting some other company publish Spider-Man or Superman comics under their own imprint, and for an explicitly ideological purpose. How much influence would you have to have to convince them to do that?

Fucking. Scary.

Our story follows Hansi, an adorable little pug-nosed teenage girl who lives in rural Czechoslovakia during the period where the Germans invaded and overran the country. In the very first panel we get a taste of just what kind of character we’re gonna be following.

This is the kind of thing that fish think when they see strings.

This is the kind of thing that fish think when they see strings.

Yep. She’s a fucking moron. And her stupidity only increases as the comic progresses.

But don’t hold that against her. Stupidity is her virtue. This is a Christian comic, after all.

"Well, that and father's porn stash. What's a 'blumpkin'?"

“Well, that and father’s porn stash. What’s a ‘blumpkin’?”

Books are eeeeeevil. Note that this comic at no point mentions the fact that the Nazis banned and destroyed numerous books, including works on Darwinism. That fact is just a wee bit inconvenient for Spire Christian Comics.

Hansi, though, has found her dream. Reading her Nazi books, she hopes to ascend up the Nazi ranks and become a Hitler-endorsed Nazi youth leader. Hey, it worked for Pope Palpatine. (Until he pulled a Sarah Palin and quit his job, that is.) Eventually, her dream is realized, and she is awarded a place in a prestigious Nazi school in Prague, an event which alarms her know-nothing mother.

Maybe if you'd let your daughter read something other than the fucking Bible, she wouldn't have grown up to be such a gullible nitwit.

Maybe if you’d let your daughter read something other than the fucking Bible, she wouldn’t have grown up to be such a gullible nitwit.

Nope. I’m gonna say this right now. The best thing you can do is forget Jesus. Failure to do so might result in you producing something like this comic, and we just can’t have that.

Hansi goes off to her new Nazi school, which is in a large estate near Prague. On the doorstep, she meets another student, and we get one of the few acknowledgements of the Holocaust that this comic ever makes.

The juxtaposition of Mein Kampf and the Bible actually does make sense, but not for the reasons the author intended.

The juxtaposition of Mein Kampf and the Bible actually does make sense, but not for the reasons the author intended.

Please, allow me to quote directly from Hitler’s Mein Kampf:

“Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.”

“His [the Jewish person’s] life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took to the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In retum, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties — and this against their own nation.”

Hitler was Christian. He claimed killing Jews was what Jeebus wanted. It’s right there in the quotes.

But that doesn’t stop certain fundamentalists in America from constantly haranguing us with the false notion that he was an atheist. This is part of a broader pattern of their behavior in which everyone they dislike is associated with everything that’s bad, and everything they like is associated with everything that’s good. Atheists are child-molesting immoral Nazi Muslims while Christians are wholesome, virtuous American patriots. (Oh, and science is evil.) This comic will not provide any counterexamples to this frequently observed fundamentalist prejudice. Throughout the whole thing it’s America good, Other Countries bad. Jesus good, science and learning bad. Christians good, hippies bad. (Yes, we’ll encounter hippies later.)

Hansi joins the Hitler Youth, and page 5 gives us this image:

The Germany of tomorrow is...Czeckoslovakia?

The Germany of tomorrow is…Czechoslovakia?

That’s 22 swastikas in one panel. In fact, counting the cover, there have been 58 swastikas in this comic so far, and we’re only on page 5! We’re averaging over 11 swastikas per page. Just in case you ever forget that this story is set in Nazi-occupied territory, the artist will smear swastikas all over every nook and orifice of every god damn page to remind you. Leni Riefenstahl would think they’re overdoing it with all the swastikas.

This is the comic that loved the swastika.

Our swasti-comic continues with Hansi relishing her new life as a little Nazi Barbie. Basically it consists of people complaining about how conditions are deteriorating under German rule, and Hansi countering by regurgitating something about how much she loves Hitler and Nazis and Germany. Wash, rinse, repeat. She has completely drunk the Nazi Kool Aid, and can think of nothing other than how much she loves Hitler. Seriously, I would think she just wants to fuck Hitler, except for the fact that quite suddenly she apparently has a boyfriend. He comes out of nowhere, his name is Rudy, and he’s serving on a German submarine. Hansi communicates with him via letters.

Rudy proposes, she accepts, but his parents refuse to allow it because they are rich and Hansi is just a peasant girl. This is some real Romeo and Juliet shit going on here…if Romeo and Juliet were badly written Christian propaganda. Hansi decides she doesn’t want to tear Rudy’s family apart, so she leaves him and joins back up with the hair-helmeted girl from the Hitler Youth, who’s boyfriend is still away on duty.

Rrrraaaarrrrr!!!

Rrrraaaarrrrr!!!

That’s Hansi, just regurgitating what this author would have us believe is what the Nazis believed. No thought. No reflection. Just angry reaction. Fucking idiot.

And really? All the soldiers want is Bibles? Food or medicine or, for that matter, porn aren’t on the list, too? This is the kind of cheesy glurge that some fundamentalists just gobble up. It’s the kind of stuff that gets passed around in viral emails full of apocryphal stories that people who rarely engage their brains like to get all mushy about. And this comic is more than happy to keep shoveling it up.

"Fuck. All I got was a bunch of 'begats'." "Me too. This Bible shit sucks." "Same here. Hey, Fritz, got any more Playboys that don't have the pages stuck together?"

“Fuck. All I got was a bunch of ‘begats’.”
“Me too. This Bible shit sucks.”
“Same here. Hey, Fritz, got any more Playboys that don’t have the pages stuck together?”

Note how when they want to portray Christian soldiers in the Nazi army, suddenly those ubiquitous swastikas are nowhere to be seen.

The war is drawing to a close, and the Russians are advancing on Czechoslovakia. Rudy tries to convince Hansi to flee the country with him, but our cute-as-a-button-on-a-kitten-snuggling-with-a-baby little moron protagonist won’t hear of it. She insists on staying in Prague and supporting the Nazis to the end. This brings us to my favorite single panel in the whole comic.

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Bwahahahahahahaha!I

It’s about time someone pointed out what a fucking imbecile she is. This was starting to turn into one of those comics where one character is completely fucktarded in every way imaginable and yet somehow no one seems to notice. Good for you, Rudy. I’m on your side now. But please don’t make me regret saying that in the very next panel…

He's like the Czech Mel Gibson.

He’s like the Czech Mel Gibson.

What the fuck??? God fucking damn it, Rudy. Yeah, she’s an idiot, but rape threats are a bit of an overreaction, dontcha think?

And when the hell did this comic get so dark? Yeah, it’s about Nazis and all. But for ten pages up to this point, it’s just been about a blonde girl who mindlessly parrots Nazi gibberish and hates the Bible. You know, fun light-hearted stuff. Now all the sudden we’ve got her boyfriend saying he hopes she gets raped by Russians!

What fucking weirdo shit is next?

You just know one of those Russian rapist guys was Vladmir Putin. Would that even surprise you in the slightest?

You just know one of those Russian rapist guys was Vladmir Putin. Would that even surprise you in the slightest?

She actually gets fucking raped??? Rudy, you have the most heinous fucking jinx-powers in the universe. Remind me never, ever to have a beer with you if I’m ever in Prague.

So, yeah, gang rape. That’s where we are right now. Hansi boards a train, gets captured by Russians, taken to a labor camp, and is subject to nightly gang rapes.

Except for one thing. After the scene above, we see all the women crying, and one of them says, “You’re lucky you’re skinny, Hansi! They don’t want you!” That’s right, the comic immediately pusses out and assures us she wasn’t actually raped, because she’s…skinny? Since when did that ever stop a rapist? I guess Russian rapists like big girls. Because they are from Russia! Where the men are Men! And the women are Men!

Well, no. The actual reason they don’t have her get raped is because they just didn’t want their protagonist to get raped right after her boyfriend told her to go get raped to teach her a lesson. Hey, writers, can I give you a hint? If you don’t want your main character to get raped, don’t write your story this way!

Oh, and this might also be a good time to mention that, if Wikipedia is correct, this story was written by a fucking woman. Un-fucking-believable.

All the rape and mayhem makes our protagonist decide that she and Hair Helmet need to escape. And so they do. It’s just that easy. They crawl under the barbed wire and GTFO.

For now, we’ll leave it at that. This post is getting long, and I’m not even halfway through the comic yet. It’s just that there’s so much insane and disturbing shit in this comic that I feel the need to comment on almost every single panel in detail. For now let’s sum up the first 12 pages like this: Nazis were Christian whether this comic likes it or not; Hansi’s a nincompoop; Rudy’s a fucking asshole; Russians are rapists; and this comic blows my fucking cock like no other.

I’ll be back in a few days with part 2! 🙂

UPDATE (7/10/13): For Part 2, click here.

Rape-ublican Reloaded

I have a bit of advice for the few (if any) people out there who read this. Do not, under any circumstances, underestimate the Rape-ublican Party because you thought, “Well, they would never stoop THAT low!”  Case in point:

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — The Arkansas Senate has moved to cut off funding to Planned Parenthood for HIV/AIDS education efforts at local schools.

We are seriously at the point where wanting to educate children about the dangers of fucking AIDS makes you an enemy in the Republicans’ eyes. If I understand their current position correctly, they want your children in public schools to be creationist god-humpers that have both guns and AIDS. And it’s that special strain of AIDS that increases your carbon footprint and causes you to think that Ted Nugent has actual opinions that are worth listening to.

The sponsor says he doesn’t want state money going to an organization that makes abortion referrals.

Now we have the villain of our story. The Sponsor sounds like a total assface. Given the choice between “Defund group that gives women control over their own bodies,” and “Educate children about a deadly disease,” he chose the former. Fuck you, Sponsor!

Planned Parenthood supporters lined up outside the senate doors and filled the balcony to watch the debate.

They were as helpless in this debate as Rape-ublicans want women in general to be.

The sponsor says he simply doesn’t want state money to go to Planned Parenthood for sex education because of the group’s ties to abortion, even if the education money isn’t used for abortions.

Who is this nefarious ne’er-do-well who calls himself The Sponsor?

“It says all funds are strictly accounted for and no public funds are used to pay for abortions with rare exceptions,” Jason Rapert said.

JASON FUCKING RAPERT.

Just when you thought he was focused on instituting mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds (i.e. State Sponsored Sexual Assault of Women), he pulls the old switcheroo and unexpectedly adopts the Pro-AIDS position.

Arkansas State Legislator Jason Rapert announces that he has switched from being the pro-Rape candidate to the pro-AIDS candidate (visual approximation)

Arkansas State Legislator Jason Rapert announces that he has switched from being the pro-Rape candidate to the pro-AIDS candidate (visual approximation)

There really is no policy position too stupid or too evil for a true supervillain like Rapey Magoo here. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if the Green Goblin were actually real, he’d say something along the lines of, “Dude, Rapert, I’m evil and all, but damn. You don’t think this is taking things a little too far?”

“It’s very interesting they put in their own flier that none of those funds are used for abortions with rare exceptions. Fact of the matter is, they shouldn’t be done at all.”

It’s very interesting that you’re so obsessed with controlling women’s decisions over their own bodies that you’d be willing to sacrifice the well-being of children in order to accomplish it.

Arkansas needs a superhero.  Somebody needs to stand the fuck up to this motherfucker, or it won’t be long before he’s inviting alien invasions and building an army of mutated cyber-clones to take over every womb in the country–and then!–The World! I’m currently 800 miles away, so there ain’t much I can do, but I’d volunteer if I could.

Besides, I think it would be more impactful if Arkansas’ superhero were a woman. Women are the obvious target of their dastardly supervillain, after all. It would be quite fitting if he were defeated by one of the very vagina-possessing Arkansas citizens that he apparently despises so much. We could call her the Vaginal Avenger. I see it going down something like this…

Worried on-looker 1: Oh shit! That abortion clinic is under attack by the Frenzied Fundamentalists!

Worried on-looker 2: Fuck my biscuits! The villainous Jason Rapert the AIDS-lover looks poised for another victory over the forces of good. Whatever shall we do?

Worried on-looker 3:  Look! Up in the sky! What the fuck is that???

[The Vaginal Avenger lands on the scene with a mighty roar. Cue music: “The Vaginal Avenger, super fucking feminist!”]

Vaginal Avenger: Halt, evil-doer! Get your grimy Rape-ublican hands off of women’s vaginas!

Rapert: Hah! You’re too late, Vaginal Avenger! For victory is mine! My army of Frenzied Fundamentalist mouth-breathers shall tear you to shreds!

Vaginal Avenger: Not so fast, Rapert. For how could you possibly counteract my secret weapon–a SCIENCE BOOK!

Frenzied Fundamentalist 1: Aaaaagh! The Enlightenment! It burns!

Frenzied Fundamentalist 2: I didn’t know there’d be a quiz! I’m outta here!

Frenzied Fundamentalist 3: Fuck a fetus! I can’t withstand the power of basic knowledge of the human body!

[As the Frenzied Fundamentalists flee, the crowd cheers.]

Cheering on-looker 1: Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that being a decent human being has won the day!

Rapert [fleeing]: I’ll be back, Vaginal Avenger! You just wait til the next election cycle!

Sadly, I don’t see anything like this happening in real life. But I can dream…

More Rape-ublican Bullshit

Over at Dispatches from the Culture War Ed Brayton is reporting that there is yet another bill mandating a transvaginal ultrasound (otherwise known as the Religious Rape Rod) for women seeking an abortion. The Republicans really just can’t hop off the Rape Train, can they? This time, it’s in Arkansas. Oh, Arkansas! Thank you so much for making the fact that I’m from Oklahoma seem like it’s not so bad. You guys and Texas are the best–and by best I mean worse than us.

So, what exactly does this bill entail?

The new Rapert bill would prohibit an abortion if a heartbeat is detected…

Wait. Wait wait wait. The “Rapert bill”? It’s called the “Rapert bill”? Why in the gallopin’ god-balls is it called the Rapert bill? Are they really just coming out and saying, “We Republicans want to rape women”?

As promised Sen. Jason Rapert and a gang of anti-abortion Republicans i…

The guy’s name is Jason fucking Rapert???

I had to look up “Sen. Jason Rapert” to make sure he was real and this wasn’t some kind of sick joke. Turns out, he’s real. I thought it was only in comic books that villains had such appropriate names. Do they also have state senators named Victor von Doom, Mister Sinister, and Dicky McRapes-A-Lot?

Arkansas State Senator Jason Rapert (visual approximation)

So, how does Senator Rapey Fuck-noggin describe himself?

Jason is the founder and former president of Holy Ghost Ministries, Inc. (HGM), a faith based humanitarian missions organization providing clean water and assistance to the poor and orphans in Ghana West Africa, Uganda and the Philippines.  His vision was to simply help those who cannot help themselves and has based the organization upon the idea of “Serving God by Serving Others”.

Well, God does like rape. We even have footage of him saying so. At least, I think that’s him…

Give me a moment to take a sip of beer before I read another sentence from his self-description.

Today, Jason is a financial advisor and co-owner of Rapert & Pillow Financial.

*SPPUUURRTTT*

Less surprising is his issues page.  As one might expect, he takes the evil/stupid position on pretty much every issue imaginable. I hope this name thing starts a new trend. It’ll be easier to spot the woman-hating, poor-bashing, homophobic, racist, superstitious right wing fuck-nuggets in government if the rest of them all made it this obvious that they’re evil. It might catch at least a few people’s attention if they’re asked to vote for Ralph Baby-Smasher or Jenny No-Health-Care-for-You or Money-bags McFuckThePoor. Sadly, though, I’m pretty sure they’d still get elected. There are a lot of dumb people out there, and dumb people loves them some evil.

Dumb people also love their leaders to be as dumb as they are, and vote accordingly. This case is no exception. As you might imagine, Senator Goatfucker doesn’t have a very good grasp on the facts.

“I’m asking you to stand up for life, and I believe when there is a heartbeat, based upon even the standard the Supreme Court has utilized, you cannot have a viable child without a heartbeat,” Sen. Jason Rapert, the bill’s sponsor, told lawmakers before they approved the legislation.

You can’t have a viable child with just a heartbeat either, nimrod. You obviously have no familiarity with the standard the Supreme Court has “utilized” (you can always spot a finance MBA by the fact that they can’t utilize the word “use”). Of course, familiarizing oneself with such matters would require reading, and other elitist bullshit like thinking.

And yes, the legislation passed. The Arkansas state senate voted “yes” on a bill for raping pregnant women proposed by a guy named Rapert who thinks that a heartbeat is all you need to have a child (FSM only knows how he treats his own children). Be afraid, rational people in Arkansas. Be very afraid.