Please, go.

The right wing meltdown in the wake of Obama’s re-election continues, and Joseph Farah of WingNutDaily provides some of the most entertaining conservative pants-wetting there is to be found. Remember last time, when he lamented the “division” that Obama was spreading in this country? Well, now he’s decided it’s best to encourage division to the point of full on secession (or something like it):

BETWEEN THE LINES

Time to consider separation, divorce

Exclusive: Joseph Farah says principled Americans must insulate selves from judgment

Make up your mind, Joe! Is Obama evil because he sows division, or is division exactly what we need (and by “we” I mean god-humpers)?

As with last time, don’t you think for a second that I can’t grok the hint at violence in the notion of “divorcing” the rest of the nation. The last time part of our nation declared “divorce” 600,000 people died. But I guess that’s a small price to pay for all the “principled” (read: closeted homo) Americans to retain the “right” to teach other people’s children that science is a lie.

Divorce is an ugly word.

For devout Christians and Jews, it’s a particularly unthinkable term.

There you go using that word “unthinkable” again. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you just aren’t very good at thinking?

The Bible strictly discourages it, even forbids it, except in the most exceptional circumstances.

The Bible says you should be miserable, and that one bad decision made when you were 19 years old should haunt you forever. Because God is love, as exemplified by his insistence that you persist in a loveless marriage.

But for Americans faithful to the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the heritage of sacrifice and liberty that set apart this country from the rest of the world, it’s time to consider separation and divorce from those who have committed adultery.

So we should tell Newt Gingrich to fuck off. I’m down with that.

You wanna know how to spot a wingnut theocrat? Just look for people who think they have exclusive rights to the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.  If someone uses those documents as synonyms for “agrees with me”, then you know you’re dealing with the particularly black-and-white worldview of a god-humper.

If you think the Constitution and Declaration are 200+ year old legal documents that require careful interpretation based on the situation we currently live in, then congratulations, you’re a thinking human being. If you think Jesus wrote them down in your heart so that fags can’t find them, then you might be interested in some of the advertized “medical” remedies that WingNutDaily generously smears all over every single article it publishes. Not that they believe their target audience is stupid and gullible! What could possibly give you that idea?

The election of 2012 provides more stark evidence that we are not really one country, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. We are already two peoples – those of us still loyal and faithful to the God-inspired founding American principles and those who have gone awhoring after the idols of government coercion and doing what’s right in their own eyes.

And we all know that if you spend too much time awhoring you’ll end up with asyphilis.

Simply put, we shouldn’t do what’s right in our own eyes. Rather, we should do what’s right in Joe’s eyes. He (and other fake spokespeople of god) get to tell us what we do with our own bodies in the privacy of our own home. That’s how we get to be free by having no freedom at all. It makes sense in that “unthinkable” way that everything on the religious right makes sense.

In short, as I have written before, America is flirting with profound judgment. If those of us who disapprove of the same-sex marriage, abortion, tyranny, collectivism, the coerced subversion of religious freedom and forced taxpayer support for the spreading of ungodly, unbiblical values and laws want to avoid that coming judgment, it’s time to separate ourselves wholly from participation.

I say this in all seriousness: Separating yourselves wholly from participation would be a brilliant move. It would totally catch us godless heathens off guard. I’d gladly take the coming judgment from your magical boogedy-boo a thousand times if that’s what it takes to get you people to shut the fuck up.

I don’t pretend to know exactly how this works.

No shit?

America is a big country that is thoroughly permeated with this treasonous, immoral, adulterous lifestyle.

Yeah, Joe. Everybody sucks but you. You and your bizarrely melanistic mustache are paragons of virtue and restraint, while every human being whose brain isn’t a thick mush of confused, reality-denying beliefs is awhoring after some Obama balls.

But I am convinced we’ve got to begin forming new communities of the faithful and declare our separation and independence once again, just as our courageous founders did 236 years ago. Like them, we need to be prepared to defend ourselves, our families, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

This is the kind of thing someone says shortly before they begin stockpiling baked beans and gold bullion in a wooden shack somewhere in the wilds of Bumfuckistan, Montana. In their eyes, they have just committed a holy and noble act that will someday be recounted in reverent tones by future hagiographers. In the eyes of pretty much everyone else, they might as well be building a blanket fort in their parents’ bedroom. Except for the fact that that stockpile also likely includes a lot of guns with real ammunition. It’s like a Blanket Fort of Doom.

Barring a miracle, I don’t believe reconciliation with those who have gone awhoring is a possibility.

Have you tried talking with those who go awhoring? Or were they too busy awhoring? And why do we keep coming back to the word “awhoring”?

I’m sorry, I just don’t have much in common with Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi and George Soros and Bruce Springsteen (even though we are both from New Jersey) and George Clooney and these other looneys. [sic]

Let me get this straight. You’re ready to secede from the Union just because the right lost an election, but the people who intend to keep living their normal lives in disagreement with you are the loonies? (And yes, that’s how it’s spelled.)

Barack Obama was right about one thing: Whatever it once was, America is no longer a Christian nation.

It never was to begin with, no matter what you’re fact-free revisionist history might say.

And now it’s clear that more than half the population has turned its back on God and His Commandments.

That’s funny, because just a few days ago you published an op-ed claiming that the election results must have been faked and Obama couldn’t have won.

That gives a little window into how a mind like Farah’s works. One moment he’s declaring we’ve incurred god’s judgment. The next he’s saying the majority couldn’t have elected Obama. Then shortly thereafter he’s back to saying Obama won and godly folk need to just leave the country.

That annoying fact that Obama is still president keeps bouncing around inside his little monkey mind, and he’s desperately trying to fit it into his worldview at any given moment, without paying any attention to whether his current rationalization is in any way consistent with any of his past rationalizations. So long as it fits in this place at this moment, his short memory and inability to consider the future insure that he will be able to comfort himself.  What do you want to bet that in a few years, Farah hasn’t seceded, still hates Obama, still blames the majority of Americans for electing him while insisting that they couldn’t have, and doesn’t remember a damn thing about what he wrote in this current op-ed?

In another time, we would call what I am talking about “secession.” But secession can only work when there is enough common ground among people in geographic regions or states. That does not seem to be the case today. The division we see is a division largely between city dwellers and those who live in suburban and rural areas of the country.

Make no mistake. “City dwellers” is just another term for “black people” and “people who live next to black people and don’t mind it”.

We have little in common except that those who live in the cities believe they have a right to dictate to those of us who do not.

They dictate things like “Don’t dictate to gay people or women”. Stupid city dwellers, always dictating.

They believe they have the right to exploit us, take our property for their own use and tell us how to live.

I believe that that was Mitt Romney’s campaign slogan, if you replace “city dweller” with “wealthy white asshole”.

This is very much like the situation our founders faced – except our oppressors don’t live on another continent, they live amongst us.

It’s nothing like their situation. But don’t let that stop you from implying that your readers should kill liberals and gays and blacks.

I don’t have all the answers.

No shit?

I’m just a journalist and a businessman and a follower of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

You suck at the first two, but there’s really no wrong way to do the third, seeing as it’s all make believe. I guess you can console yourself with the knowledge that you’ve succeeded at something a five-year-old can do.

But it’s past time to begin talking about how this separation takes place. It’s past time to begin talking about how this divorce takes place. It’s past time to begin talking about how we deal with the increasing judgment that is taking place right now.

And so Joe closes his poopy-pants rant with more hollow gibberish, having unsurprisingly offered his audience nothing but substance-free innuendo and drooling bromides about Jesus. His 652 words amount to nothing more than, “Fuck people who don’t think like I do. I’m just not gonna talk to them any more. And if any of my readers have guns…wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more…”

What I hope is that this puerile attitude on the part of many right wing nuts gets directed towards the Republican Party, a party that clearly is getting tired of its dumbfuck base and would rather not babble on about Jesus and gays and abortion any more. WingNutDaily already has stupid articles calling for the formation of a third party, and if that actually happens–with the conservative movement breaking off to form a Shitheads Only Party–that would force the Republicans to the left to claim independents, and the Democrats even further left. That could be a good thing for everyone. The SOP would have little hope in national elections, and maybe the Republicans and Democrats could start focusing on real issues for once.

 

EDIT 11/16/2012: Ed Brayton gets in on the Farah-Bashing fun. I had it first, damn it! Find your own poorly written psycho op-eds to bash! 😉

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*Head Explodes*

With gay marriage passing in Maryland and Maine, and weed legalization passing in Colorado and Washington, this was a great election if you like drugs and dick. I’m not into either, but I support people’s right to do them if they want, so I was excited about this. The weed thing really surprised me–I never thought it would pass. Plus, the Democrats managed to keep control of the Senate and prevented Rapey McGee and Rapey McGoo in Missouri and Indiana from reaching it. So that’s awesome. Oh, and something or other about the White House happened. Yawn.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad Obama won. But I find it difficult to get excited about him. He’s a moderate democrat masquerading as a conservative democrat who knows how to add nice touches of rhetorical flourish to his speeches but not how to follow through on his promises.  But one thing I was looking forward to was watching the right wing’s many bloated heads explode when he won a second term. And Joseph Farah of WingNutDaily handed me a healthy dose of schadenfreude with this headline:

America pronounces judgment on itself

*Kablooey!* Little bits of Farah head smear the walls, and I laugh my ass off.

I feel like this title was intended to be read ominously through a booming megaphone with Carmina Burana playing in the background. Fire and brimstone rain down on gay weddings in legal marijuana stores. Black people have buttsex with terrorists for affordable healthcare in the streets while the Four Horsemen read Karl Marx and eat arugula. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.

And the amusing hyperbole continues in the article itself.

For many of us, the unthinkable has happened.

I felt the same way when the Thunder traded James Harden away. You know what? I got over it. But the conservative “traditional values” crowd aren’t exactly known for getting over things. Hell, they’ve still got their panties in a wad over losing the Civil War.

And in what universe was this outcome “unthinkable”? Obama lead through most of the campaign, and most experts picked him to win. You may not like it, but you should have seen it coming. Oh, wait, that’s right. Those are “facts” I’m referring to. I apologize. I forgot about your fact allergies.

In sum, lots of things are unthinkable when you don’t think.

America has decisively turned the corner away from the constitutional principles of limited government and self-government with the re-election of Barack Obama.

And by “limited government and self-government” we mean ” don’t stick your dick in a butt.”

There may be no way home for us.

Boo hoo hoo! You lost. Someone has to lose every election. Deal with it. Seriously, what a fucking crybaby.

We have allowed our fellow Americans to pronounce judgment on the nation.

That’s what Obama represents to me – God’s judgment on a people who have turned away from Him and His ways and from everything for which our founders sacrificed their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor.

Farah is so flabbergasted by things not going his way that the only explanation he can come up with that seems to fit the momentousness of his not getting his way is that an omnipotent being must be punishing millions of people for the horrible crimes of not fag-punching and giving medicine to poor people.

This does shed some light on what he meant by “unthinkable” earlier on. So enamored is he with his own delusional worldview that the thought of it failing is simply unfathomable. His little lizard brain just can’t process the cognitive dissonance.

The nation is divided like never before – intentionally so.

I hate it when people say this bullshit. So are we more divided now than we were during the Civil Fucking War? And not even just that. Are we more divided now than we were during the Vietnam War and the struggle for black civil rights? Are we more divided now than back when thousands of black people were being lynched and black churches full of children were being bombed by white terrorists? Are we more divided than we were in 1920 when the debate over women’s suffrage was raging?

It’s become a common trope amongst those who follow politics but don’t think about politics that our nation lacks “civility”, and that politics used to be so “civil” back in some fantasy past, but now we’re “divided” and the “tone” of politics today is just too “strident” and “negative”.  Bullshit. American politics was never civil. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this way back in the 1830s, and discusses the vociferousness of American political debate at length in Democracy in America.

We’re not divided like never before. We’re doing what we’ve always done, such as call the President a Marxist Terrorist Communist Atheist Muslim Usurper from Kenya who hates America and wants to kill your grandmother. Normal politics, actually.

That has been Obama’s game plan from the beginning – to build a constituency of special-interest groups that truly believe their salvation is found in bigger government, more programs, irresponsible spending and unconstitutional policies.

Religious right groups are interest groups too, you stupid fuck. This would be like if the coach of the Charlotte Bobcats said that the reason they suck is because of Teams. If it weren’t for all the dirty, filthy Teams ruining the NBA, the Bobcats would be on top and make basketball the way it used to be back in the past, the way Naismith intended it to be. Stupid teams.

This election could very well represent the beginning of the end of the American Dream, American exceptionalism, the American way.

The American dream and the American way never existed to begin with, and American exceptionalism can fuck itself with a live badger for all I care.

But it’s no time to give up – to throw up our hands in disgust and walk away from politics. Neither is it time to surrender to the radical social agenda Obama has championed to win his victory.

It’s time to change tactics.

Change tactics? You mean, like, stop demonizing minorities, stop lying about science, stop inventing fake history about the Founding Fathers, stop using other people’s rights as wedge issues, stop attacking women’s rights, stop spreading lunacy about your invisible friend, stop trying to start war after war just to sate your lust for the blood of brown skinned people?

It’s time to raise our collective voices of outrage.

Voicing outrage is all you people do. What would the religious right have to live for if not outrage? I was honestly beginning to believe that outrage was some kind of currency among you people.

But, at the end of the day, people generally get the kind of government they deserve.

No. Not true. Nobody deserved George W. Bush. Nobody. Not even Texas. I wouldn’t even wish him on Canada.

I’m not going to lie to you.

LOL.

The America haters are running the country for another four years.

Well, the ones who insist that they’re the real America lovers really fucked the country up between 2000 and 2008, so I’ll take my chances with the haters.

Most of all, it’s time for collective repentance.

Only a miracle can save us – and we need to humble ourselves before God and pray hard for one.

Maybe god could give us one of those miracles from the Bible that proves he’s so All-Powerful. Like fish-multiplication. If he turned a small number of fish into a large number of fish, that would prove that he’s got power over THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE and save America. At least, that plan makes more sense than how he chose to “save” us.

Can we find our way home? Is the political system even viable for us anymore? Has our heritage of representative government been permanently robbed from us?

For guys like Farah, a government isn’t representative unless it represents the right people. Obama won the election and takes office supported by the majority of Americans? Screw that! Democracy isn’t about the people voting for the candidate they want to represent them. It’s about someone who agrees with me fucking over people I don’t like.

And don’t think I don’t smell the “second amendment remedies” lurking in a god-humper who asks “Is the political system even viable for us anymore?” We all know what that means.

But we must not retreat. We must not hide. We must not be intimidated. We must not stop fighting for truth, justice and the American way.

Okay, that last bit convinces me that Farah wrote this while wearing his Superman undies and cape while crying over a sad little peanut butter sandwich that his mom cut the crusts off of for him. His mom wipes crumbs off of his hideous mustache and assures him, “There there, dear. Don’t you worry about those mean old rational people. You’re still mommy’s little boy! Now, go harass a fag or two and you’ll feel all better.”

Maybe we deserve this punishment for taking our lifestyles for granted. Maybe we deserve this judgment for our own individual and collective sins. Maybe there’s still time to turn things around because we serve a Creator of second and third chances.

Since when does eternal punishment involve second chances?

Whatever. The article ends with one more blob of the inert jelly that passes for brains in Farah’s head splattering against the wall:

One thing is for certain: Our national condition is going to get much worse before it gets better.

Not as long as I have you around for entertainment, Joey boy. As long as the Democrats keep winning and you keep melting down, I’m a happy man indeed.