Jason Collins’ bravery brings the insects out of the woodwork.

I was really happy to see Jason Collins become the first athlete in any major league sport to openly come out as gay. Good for him! But, unfortunately, they call his choice “brave” for a reason. It’s inevitable that the bigots and morons out there will insult him for merely having a different sexual preference than their own. So if they’re gonna insult him, then I’m gonna insult them. Fair enough?

I don’t judge Jason Collins, we all have out faults,but I can’t be like cool. He’s openly living in sin without fear.

— Je’Vonte Hughes (@DocKingSchultz) April 29, 2013

I’m much more worried about people who openly live in ignorance without fear. Oh, and by the way @DocKingSchulz, if your statement isn’t judgmental, then neither is mine.

Jason Collins is going to hear it so bad on the court. I have nothing against gay people but the objective of sports is to win by any means

— Summer(@Living_M_Dreams) April 29, 2013

By any means? Uh, no. Ask the folks at Penn State what happens when you decide you need to win by any means.

It’s interesting that Jason Collins will be known more for being gay than playing basketball.

— DJ Styles (@somanystyles) April 29, 2013

What other made up facts interest you?

Hurr hurr hurr. Look up Brianna Renee. There are jokes about her, a turkey baster and a Justin Bieber poster being together.

Tom is a baseball fan. Nothing gay about hardball. Keep swinging that wood, you straight motherfucker.

Seth Goodman@SethGoodman25 2h

Nooooo Jason Collins noooo!!!!

Yeeessss Deal With it Yessss!!!!!!

Andy Griffin@agriffin8 1m

@jasoncollins is the opposite of a role model. He is just another person promoting the decline of our country. #truth#immoral

People who use the hashtag #immoral are a real blast to hang out with.

Busther Gutless@P2_Cold 4m

Why do we care if Jason Collins is gay? Its none of my business

We don’t care about your business.

theMambaGreen@theMambaGreen 7m

@lilricky07 you a faggot ass niqqa. commenting on jason collins.

You show that person who has different preferences than you!

Neither will you, even if you’re not gay. The difference is that only one of you is stupid enough to pretend that he will.

Benghazi has been in the news for months. Jason Collins, one day. #JustSaying #You’reAMoron

Not helping

I’m a big fan of secularism and separation of church and state. But that doesn’t mean that everything done in the name of those causes is a good idea. Sometimes, it’s downright silly, and the recent kerfuffle over LSU’s strategically airbrushed photo of fans in a promotional email is a good example of pro-secularist silliness. Here’s the original photo:

And here’s what they sent out in their email to students and fans:

At first glance, they may not seem that different. But a closer look reveals that the young men in the picture had crosses painted on the upper left sides of their chests. These crosses were airbrushed out of the email version of the photo. It turns out that these guys are part of a Christian themed LSU Tigers fan club. Now, a Christian Tigers fan club is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Why the fuck would the supposed Ruler of the Entire Universe give a fuck about football? And what the fuck does Jesus have to do with what sports team you root for? Did he die on the cross so that South Carolina would lose? Does god hate Steve Spurrier? And what about all the people on the other team praying that LSU would lose? Did god just say “Fuck ’em” and let USC’s quarterback get injured because he admires The Hat?

And the silliness doesn’t end there. One of the god-flogging Tiger fans explained why he felt the need to paint a cross on his chest:

“The cross painting is important to me because it represents who I am as a Christ follower, and it reminds me who I need to act like in Death Valley.”

What would Jesus do? Apparently he’d point at the camera and make a douche-face. And apparently this guy needs to paint meaningless symbols on his chest in order to remember that he should act like a decent human being. It’s kinda like how I paint the batman symbol on my forehead to remind myself not to eat babies. You know, normal human behavior.

But, whatever. Regardless of how inane it is, these guys have every right to display their childish beliefs on their chests all day long if that’s what they want. So why would the school airbrush it out? According to Yahoo! Sports, the university censored the crosses because

“We don’t want to imply we are making any religious or political statements, so we air-brushed it out,”

Well, that’s stupid. Nothing about the picture implies anything about the SCHOOL making any statements at all. It’s a picture of fans. The fans are making the statement, not the school. If the school accompanied the picture with a caption saying, “Geaux Tigers! Oh, and Jesus loves you, as we demonstrate with this photo of silly looking young people with a lack of perspective,” then, yeah, that would be a violation of the Establishment Clause. But as merely a photo of fans with no message of endorsement from the university, how are the crosses a problem?

What if a fan is wearing a cross necklace? Would they airbrush that out too? What if they were wearing a shirt from their local church? What about a yarmulke? A turban? If we follow the university’s reasoning here, then they can’t show fans wearing any kind of religious or political attire whatsoever without “endorsing” it. Fuck, if that’s the case, I’m gonna declare Ed Hardy and Affliction to be religions so I never have to see one of their t-shirts in a broadcast ever again. Call it DoucheBrushing.

Yes, LSU is a public university, and yes, that means they should never endorse any religion. But no, that doesn’t mean they have to censor images of their fans who happen to have donned some kind of religious accoutrements. And apparently, I also have to insist that it’s censorship, because…

The school, in a statement, indicated that it was not trying to censor any views, but rather to avoid the appearance of endorsing one.

Again, that’s stupid. It is in fact censorship, so if they weren’t trying to censor, they failed; and fans independently expressing their views does not imply university endorsement. The only way I could see it implying endorsement would be if the school were deliberately singling out overtly Christ-humping fans for their promotional material in an attempt to imply that real fans are overt Christ-humpers. But since they’re not doing that, I see no need to censor the photo.

This kind of petty bullshit in the name of secularism really annoys me. It doesn’t help the cause, and it just gives the theocrats ammo for their bullshit crusade against anyone who thinks that church and state should be separate entities. It’s easy to confirm this by looking at the comments on the Yahoo! article, which are full of right wingers blathering on and on about all the false stereotypes they have of secularists. Here’s one example:

Jim B  •  12 hours ago Report Abuse

If I have not offended you yet, I am sorry, I will get around to you as soon as I can

You’ll have difficulty offending me, Jim B., because I rarely feel offended or appalled by anything at all. It’s just my nature. Religion doesn’t offend me. I just think its stupid and intrusive and a pointless waste of resources. And the same goes for a lot of the shit I stand for. I don’t oppose racism or sexism or homophobia because they offend me (they rarely do), but because I think they’re stupid, destructive, backwards bullshit.

But whenever someone does something silly and unnecessary in the name of secularism, as LSU has done, it feeds this myth that someone would only oppose theocracy because they’re “offended” by Christianity.

But there’s also another problem, and a single phrase in the article exemplifies it:

…someone somewhere inside LSU decided not to mix football and religion.

Football and religion get mixed all the time! I’ve written about this before. Coaches at public universities force their religion on their players all the time. They have team prayers. They “share the Gospel” (which means take advantage of their position of authority to lecture their players about the Gospel).  Public prayers are held at football games on the field. This kind of shit happens at almost every football game, and unlike the photo of fans, it is a real violation of the Establishment clause. But the schools do nothing about it.

There are plenty of violations of separation of church and state going on in college football. But it’s not the fans doing it. Primarily, it’s the coaches. If LSU really didn’t want to mix religion and football, they’d be telling Les Miles to respect his non-Christian players and not have team prayers, not censoring silly images of idiots in body paint. But really, all they care about is not getting in trouble. So they ignore actual Establishment Clause violations and censor non-violations. And in doing so, they throw chum to the right wing feeding frenzy looking for anything they can hold up to show how oppressive it is to be in the dominant majority.

LSU, you are not helping.

Praying With Balls

As a Sooners fan, pretty much the only thing worse that seeing my team lose in the Jan. 2009 BCS  National Championship Game was having to listen to the announcers prattle on and on and on about how Tim Tebow is the absolute paragon of human virtue and how we can all but hope just to merely bask in the radiant glory of his awesomeness. Tebow is one of the most over-sold sports personalities of the last decade (I say “one of” since it’s finally dawning on people that perhaps the hagiographies of Lance Armstrong and Joe Paterno were a tad premature). And that has a lot to do with the fact that he injects his religion into absolutely everything he does, which somehow convinces a disturbingly large number of Americans that he should be taken seriously, rather than laughed out of town.

Having said this, you can imagine my disgust a couple years ago when “Tebowmania” became a buzzword in American sports journalism.  The “mania” involved a mediocre quarterback on a mediocre team barely scraping by a few wins at the last second to end with a few more wins than the mediocre team was predicted to get, while a small number of fanatical Christians proclaimed the mediocre quarterback to be the second coming of Christ. It’s mania!!! But there was another word that came from this artificially concocted phenomenon that did make me smile a bit. Other players began “Tebowing”, mocking Tebow’s ostentatious habit of praying at the end of plays, by doing it in the same way that 14-year-olds tea bag their fallen opponents in an online game of Halo.  Prayer + balls on face = funny. Well, at least to my immature mind.

But Tebow can’t leave well enough alone and just fade into obscurity where he belongs. He’s now back in the news for filing for a trademark of the term “tebowing”. (I have no idea if he’s aware of the whole balls-on-face sexual assault angle of the term.)

Dropping to a knee like Tim Tebow might cost you now.

That’s called turning the tables. Usually it’s the whore who’s on his knees. But Tim Tebow says you have to pay him for the honor of giving him a blowjob! For Jesus. I would love it if Christians had to pay a royalty to Tim Tebow every time they prayed in public. We’ll see how important prayer in the public square is to them after that.

The New York Jets’ backup quarterback is trademarking “Tebowing,” the move in which he goes down on one knee and holds a clenched fist against his forehead while praying during games.

Never mind the fact that he didn’t coin the term or realize that people were making fun of him until much later. He’s the Mighty Tim Tebow and anything with his name in it must be his property! And speaking of his awesome mightiness, I first saw this headline on the front page of SportsIllustrated.com. How many other back up quarterbacks with no sense of humor and a pathological need to proclaim their superstitions to the world make front page news?

In the seven filings, Tebow says intended uses for the word “Tebowing” are to connect it with everything from sales of hats and shirts to even toy guns and pantyhose.

Ladies, do you want a nauseatingly religious man praying in a manner that calls to mind “balls on forehead” stamped on your ass? Of course you do! Buy some Tebowing Panty Hose today and get a free “Legitimate Rape” bra, because conservative Christian men know exactly what women want.

The devout Christian says his representatives filed on his behalf not for financial gain, but “to just control how it’s used, make sure it’s used in the right way.” Tebow did say sometime down the road the money would go to his Tim Tebow Foundation.

Nope. No financial gain. That panty hose money’s going to charity “sometime down the road”. That’s the “right way”.

Well if you ask me, the right way to use Tebowing is to drop one last scrotum reference.

Football is totally not gay, part 5 — SuperFan edition!

The fallout from the Ayanbadejo pro-gay marriage fiasco continues, as Yahoo! Sports recently put up an AP report on the gradually evolving acceptance of homosexuals in professional sports. It’s a pretty standard AP article–a reasonable number of facts, some interviews, and very little analysis. I don’t have much to say about the article itself, but boy oh boy do I have a thing or two to say to the sports fans who are commenting on the article. I’ve already talked about coaches, players and owners, so let’s move on to fans. I’m glad to come to the defense of players who are negatively stereotyped as being stupid just because they’re athletic. But it’s harder to defend the fans when the vast majority of comments on a rather mild article about gay rights in sports are full of drooling stupidity and religious bigotry. Take Fredna, for instance:

Fredna  •  1 day 21 hours ago

Regardless of how many athletes speak out for gay marriage, gay marriage is still wrong. And, no amount of web fluff pieces, renaming it ‘gay rights’, and marginalizing opponents by calling them ‘homophobic’ can change that.

Uh, sorry, but nobody’s saying that athletes supporting gay marriage is what makes it right. That’s really not the point. Making professional athletes the ultimate moral arbitrators is almost as dumb as making the Bible the ultimate moral arbitrator. Gay marriage is right for a simple reason. It’s right because it’s the only fair, humane thing to do. And actually, marginalizing the bigots is a quite effective tactic. People who think others are second class citizens should be marginalized. And laughed at. And made to wear funny hats, just for shits and giggles.

One chowder-headed theme that numerous fans mindlessly repeated like parrots at a cracker factory should be familiar to anyone who follows the issue:

wooded  •  1 day 21 hours ago

Yeah “it’s what they can do on Sundays to help us win that matters” you can use that same argument for having felons and pedophiles on your team

Anita  •  3 days ago

Hey AP – Since you’re wanting to push your queer agenda onto the sports page, how about a story about how Jerry Sandusky wanted to REDEFINE marriage in the Penn State showers?

Or even the GAY marriage we’re sure he’s receiving now in the State Penn Showers!

Tony  •  2 days 16 hours ago

It used to be popular for the celebrities and pro sports figures to be recovering drug addicts, now they wannabee gays….. #$%$

A Yahoo! User  •  3 days ago

Hey since the LibFa6 media wants to keep pushing their gay agenda, where it doesn’t belong (on the sports page) why not do a story on how a famous GAY guy Jerry Sandusky wants to REDEFINE marriage to what NAMBLAcrats do to little boys in showers?

Well libfa6 media? Where’s that story?
Take your GAY agenda and SHOVE IT. I’m sure there’s plenty of room up there.

A Yahoo! User  •  3 days ago

This world gets worse and worse day by day. The worse it gets, the more immune we become to immoral lifestyles, i.e. adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lying, stealing, killings etc. Just because we’re immune to these things does not mean that they all of sudden change from being wrong to right.

You know what’s just like two grown dudes who love each other? Stealing and killing and child abuse and drug addiction! They’re exactly the same! My brain is made of rich chocolate pudding! It’s food for the gremlin that lives in my butt!

And hey, Yahoo! User, if we were “immune” to those things then they’d do us no harm, so then they actually would be just fine. I believe the word you were looking for was “desensitized”. And what you call being “desensitized” to homosexuality is what I call having enough of a brain not to hate someone just for living an unfamiliar lifestyle.

The story also led more than a few people into the seedy realms of their own personal fantasies…

Leagues Williams  •  2 days 9 hours ago

I bet the locker room is going to feel odd now!!

Of Wolf and Man  •  2 days 10 hours ago

Let’s all take our pants off!

David  •  1 day 20 hours ago

Are they also going to give him his own special shower and dressing room.?

A Yahoo! User  •  3 days ago

Wonder how the center will feel when he knows the QB is gay? How sick!

A Yahoo! User  •  1 day 20 hours ago

how you can enter in a locker room wit a #$%$they is looking at you like a predator

A Yahoo! User  •  3 days ago

That is all we need: Some TE kissing a QB after a TD. Yuck!

I’m almost afraid to ask why Conservative Fantasy World always includes these constant, unending gay orgies. Even Freud wouldn’t touch this.

If gays had even a fraction of the sex that conservatives imagine them having, they’d be the happiest people in the galaxy.

Anyways, let’s move on to another comment…

Eddie  •  1 day 21 hours ago

The word is SODOMITE….they need to say i m a SODOMITE. (it’s men that sleep with men)

the WORLD has HI-JACK the word SODOMITE and change it to GAY (the is nothing GAY about a man sleeping with another man! Gay meaning bright, and aint nothing bright in that!

men playing in FECES does not resemble BRIGHTNESS!

resembles a DEBASE MIND!

Uh, okay, now we’ve stumbled into a really, really scary place. Eddie, get help. Seriously, dude. Seriously.

David  •  1 day 20 hours ago

More articles on gays from Yahoo. They seem to be obsessed with the subject. Maybe they should come “out of the closet”.

Only gay people would support gay people in these idiot’s mind. So the next time they say “support the troops” they should join the fucking army.

A Yahoo! User  •  3 days ago

The problem with gays is that is defines their whole lives. Keep your sexual preference to yourself. Get rid of the lame rainbow stickers and equal right bull.

Conservative thinking in a nutshell:

If someone is something unfamiliar to me, I’m to lazy to think anything else about them.

Therefore, there is nothing else about them.

Therefore, they define themselves entirely by a single superficial feature just like I do.

A Yahoo! User  •  2 days 22 hours ago

WTF, is nothing sacred anymore?

Hell no! It’s fucking awesome!

A Yahoo! User  •  2 days 13 hours ago

Gay marriage has nothing to do with sports. It has to do with the Bible. If you don’t believe in God, then we have to just agree to disagree. If you are a Christian, you CAN’T believe in gay marriage or the gay lifestyle for that matter. I’m not advocating for the hating of gays rather the gay lifestyle. This is NOT about hate, its about LOVE. We want to see these souls in the afterlife.

What makes you think they’d want to see you there? Heaven with the likes of you would be hell.

A Yahoo! User  •  3 days ago

I am Sick n Tired of Gay Deviants in Everyday Life, The Last thing we need is to see these freaks prancing an sashaying in the NFL or NBA

I only want to see STRAIGHT men in tights slapping each others’ asses!

A Yahoo! User  •  3 days ago

Gay marriage will become legal in all 50 states, it is inevitable. The Roman empire fell because of debauchery such as gays, corruption, greed and other things, just as America is already and is headed toward, it will help bring down this once great country. ‘Hell and destruction to the nation that forgets God’.
That is my opinion and I have a right to it, at least until the Liberals outlaw speaking out against gays.

Of course you have every right to open your mouth and let us all know what an idiot you are. There are a lot of countries that have left God behind (most of Western Europe, for instance), and they haven’t been destroyed. Many of them allow buttsex too, but no Apocalypse. If you really buy into all this USA #1 crap, then why do you think America is so weak that it can’t withstand the onslaught of buttsex? Or is Iceland really just that much tougher than we are?

alaskadad  •  3 days ago

Grow up. Supporting gays will only get you laid in LA. Point is keep gay,abortions, and women’s rights out of the NFL.

This guy really makes me want to hire a lesbian feminist to chuck an aborted fetus through the goal posts at a picture of Sarah Palin.

jaguar11  •  3 days ago

Their “rights” haven’t been taken away. They never had the right to marry before.

Was this posted by an actual jaguar? I mean, like a big cat just pranced across the keyboard and this idiotic statement spewed out of it? So you can’t give someone a right they didn’t already have before? That doesn’t even make fucking sense in Conservative Fantasy World.

Anita  •  3 days ago

Hey AP – Since you’re wanting to push your queer agenda onto the sports page, how about a story about how Jerry Sandusky wanted to REDEFINE marriage in the Penn State showers?

Or even the GAY marriage we’re sure he’s receiving now in the State Penn Showers!

Wanna make your argument more convincing in Conservative Fantasy World? Just add rape.

In fact, this Anita chick (whoever she is) seems to be responsible for some of the vilest, most bigoted, and most idiotic comments in the thread, such as this one:

Anita  •  3 days ago

But why would you want to marry? You are entitled to Vancity bathhouse boy.

But why leave your boyfriend for a woman?

Sorry PROPAGANDIST libFa6, you can’t REDEFINE the word.

Got it GAYboy!

Maybe she and Eddie from earlier should hook up. They could share a therapist.

Look, I’m not trying to make sports fans look bad. I’m a sports fan myself. But the fact that the overwhelming response to an article that said nothing more than “Sports is a little less hostile to gays now” has been “Shut up, faggot! Stop forcing your sweet, luscious dic– I mean, agenda down my throat!” is pretty depressing.

One common theme among the more, shall I say, self-aware bigots in the comments thread was, “This shouldn’t be discussed on a sports website.” They’re trying to act like they’re above the fray; they’re so beyond the gay thing. They only deign to comment to let us all know that they think this conversation shouldn’t exist. Let’s call this silent bigotry. It’s still bigotry, though, because if no one says anything about homophobia in sports then, of course, it will never go away (and they damn well know this).

Sure, if every article at Yahoo! Sports felt the need to bring up homophobia, I’d be pissed. I wouldn’t want to read about it in every single god damn article, as that would be a completely disproportionate response and utterly inappropriate. But that’s not happening. In fact, as a person who avidly follows a few sports websites, I can say with certainty that the topic is rarely brought up. But when it is, it should be. There is a time and a place for this conversation, as with any political conversation. Yeah, don’t bring it up at the dinner table. But ignoring it completely would be even worse.

Football remains totally non-gay

Well, looks like the Shame Strategy worked.  Emmett Burns, the idiot who told the Ravens not to let their players do human things like vocalize political opinions, has now publicly recanted his call for corporate censorship.

After drawing national attention for his attempt to muzzle a football player who supported gay rights, a Maryland delegate walked back his position Sunday and said Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo should be allowed to speak out in favor of same-sex marriage.

And what profound considerations lead him to this conclusion?

“Upon reflection, he has his First Amendment rights,” Del. Emmett C. Burns Jr., a Baltimore County Democrat, said in a telephone interview.

Whoa, man. That’s deep.

Football is totally not gay… Part 3

Having earlier indicated my distaste for homophobia in football, it’s nice to see a positive statement on gay rights from a football player. Brendon Ayanbadejo (thank zombie Jesus that this is in print and I don’t have to pronounce that name) of the Baltimore Ravens has recently come out in favor of gay marriage. And, as you might imagine, the bigots are shitting themselves over it. One of them, Emmet C. Burns, is a Maryland state legislator who had his interns write to the Ravens’ home office to protest the fact that their players have opinions:

Dear Mr. [Steve] Biscotti [owner of the Ravens]:

As a Delegate to the Maryland General Assembly, and a Baltimore Ravens fan, I find it inconceivable that one of your players, Mr. Brendon Ayanbadejo, would publicly endorse Same-Sex [sic] marriage, especially as a Ravens football player.

“Inconceivable”? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Many of my constituents and your football supporters are appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team [sic] would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion one way or the other.

Yeah! Don’t you know that athletic black men are only supposed to be entertainment for stodgy old twats like me? I’m appalled that one of your players might actually be smarter than I am and speak his mind! (I find the fact that this “shut up and entertain me” crap is being spewed by Burns, who is black, even more galling. Doesn’t he recall how often this bullshit has been used to silence black people, who for the longest time could only become celebrities by going into entertainment? Has he not seen how the white bigots reacted to the 1968 Olympics “black power” salute?)

Many of your fans are opposed to such a view…

Steve Biscotti: “Sigh. We need to get smarter fans…”

…and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment and excitement.

…Unless Tim Tebow uses the sport to shamelessly promote his doofy religion while on the field. Let’s keep in mind that Ayanbadejo does the gay marriage thing on his own time. He’s not hiring gay guys to suck each other off on the 50 yard line. If you just watched the game you’d never know he was *gasp* a reasonable person, and could just pretend he’s a knuckle dragging imbecilic bigot like yourself. And you can watch big, beefy totally non-homo men slap each other on the ass, which for you is probably part of the “entertainment” package in the game.

And who made Delegate Burns the God of Football? He’s gotta have adamantium balls to write to an NFL owner and tell him how to do his job. Maybe Biscotti should start giving Burns pointers on how to draft legislation and pander to the God-humper crowd.

I believe Mr. Ayanbadejo should concentrate on football and steer clear of dividing the fan base.

Well, I believe Mr. Ayanbadejo probably doesn’t give a fuck what you think. He’s not your trained monkey. He doesn’t exist solely for your amusement. And I think you might find the fan base a little divided by your “Football players can’t say smart things” policy, too. Some people treat entertainers like human beings, after all.

I am requesting that you take the necessary action, as a National Football Franchise Owner [sic–what’s with the wonky capitalization in this letter?], to inhibit such expressions from your employees and that he be ordered to cease and desist such injurious actions.

You know you’ve got a doozy of a right wing bigot when they can cram so much stupid and evil into a single sentence.

For starters, since when is it “necessary” for an NFL team to prevent its players from making political statements? I’ve never heard of such a rule. And what’s with the sudden humility? Now he’s “requesting” something when earlier he was lecturing on what football is supposed to be all about. I thought you were God of Football! God doesn’t make requests! Don’t they keep reminding us that they’re the Ten Commandments, not the Ten Useful Suggestions?

There’s also the part where he gets a little too honest, admitting what he wants is “to inhibit such expressions”. Oops! The talking point is “Promote free speech by protecting the family and puppy dogs”, buddy. Get with the program, or we’ll send you and Clint Eastwood to Guantanamo.

And then there’s using language like “cease and desist” and “injurious”, as if Ayanbadejo were doing something illegal. And I’m sure, in Burns’ mind, it should be illegal. Because saying nice things about gay people is quite injurious to dumb bastards who hate gay people.

Burns’ interns conclude:

I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayambadejo [sic] is doing.

I already mentioned Tim Tebow, but here we come to the best part of the story. Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe (what’s with these fucking unpronounceable names? Are football jerseys made from spare Alphabet Soup?) has written an open letter to let Burns know what those other football players think, and it is glorious. Everyone should read the whole thing, but just to give a taste of its wonderment, its title is “They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster”, and it starts like this:

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

I’m tearing up this is so beautiful. From the parodic use of “inconceivable”, to the unrestrained contemptuous tone, to the well deserved pimp slap at the end. Chris Kluwe, you win the prestigious Wes’s Favorite Football Player of the Week award. It’s like a Heisman, except you don’t have to give it back if you’re caught cheating. And there’s no trophy. And no prestige. But there might be a handjob in it if you’re nice to me. But probably not.

There are two versions of Kluwe’s opus, a profanity-laden tirade of empyrean crassness, and a toned-down version for those who feel all poo-poo inside when somebody says fuck-words (but feel just fine when someone can’t visit their dying spouse in the hospital because they’re the same gender). I bet you can guess which one I fucking linked to. It’s recommended reading for the whole universe. Here are a few more choice nuggets:

…you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain.

…To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit….

…the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”)…

…This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom?

“Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!”

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

More people need to say these things whenever a bigot opens his or her mouth. If the entire world points out to them how ball-crunchingly stupid they are, maybe it will start to sink in.

On a side note, I’d just like to reiterate an earlier point I’ve made about the false stereotype that football players are stupid. I think Ayanbadejo and Kluwe are a couple of pretty smart fellows, and I’m sure they’re not alone in the NFL, or college or high school or any other level of football. (Except for the Canadian football players. You can go to hell, you stupid Snow Mexicans! Forward motion at the time of the snap? Goal posts at the front of the end zone? Come on!) As the current fiasco shows, football players are surely a hell of a lot smarter than the people that Americans choose to govern our country.

UPDATE 9/10/12: I have learned from some commenters over at Ed Brayton’s blog that this dingus Burns is also a Democrat. A Democrat! What the hell is wrong with him? Has the whole world gone completely down the rabbit hole?

Football is totally not gay

I’m a huge college football fan. I have a copy of the ESPN College Football Encyclopedia which I cherish like it was my own son. I regularly check several sports websites and blogs to hear the latest news about new commitments, injuries, conference realignment, BCS reform, etc. I love watching the OU Sooners and OSU Cowboys play. It’s awesome. College football rocks.

But here’s the thing. Like most excessively “manly” activities, it’s pretty homoerotic. Just try describing what it looks like without sounding gay. Watch any football game, and you’ll see big, beefy, sweaty men in tight pants wrestling each other to the ground, slapping each others’ asses, all trying to get “penetration” behind the “tight end” to go into the “end zone” for a “touchdown.” It’s super gay.

This, of course, doesn’t bother me one bit, because I have nothing against homosexuals and feel entirely secure and unthreatened in my heterosexuality even in the presence of something incredibly gay. The problem with football, though, is the central problem in many forms of unreflectively “manly” activities–it’s loaded with homoerotic undertones, and the people involved are often very homophobic.

Take this asshole, for example:

Nebraska assistant coach Ron Brown says he’ll keep speaking out against homosexuality even if it costs him his job.

Well, at least he’s got his priorities straight. Hmmmm, continue to feed your family, or say hateful shit about gays? The choice should be obvious. I’m sure the kids will find something to eat on their own. On an unrelated note, has anybody seen the cat?

“To be fired for my faith would be a greater honor than to be fired because we didn’t win enough games,” Brown said in an interview with The Associated Press. “I haven’t lost any sleep over it. I realize at some point, we live in a politically correct enough culture where that very well could happen.”

This is a common trope for fundamentalists. Portray oneself simultaneously as the mighty hero standing up for God, and as the vulnerable, helpless victim being persecuted just for believing. You get the best of both worlds: You can impress people by being a dick, and earn sympathy by being a pussy. Just ignore that tingling sensation of cognitive dissonance welling up in your anterior cingulate cortex. There’s no contradiction here. And this behavior, of course, is not at all androgynous.

But you gotta love the fantasy world fundamentalists construct for themselves. Petty, small-minded, childish behavior like hating someone for being different is, in this dumbshit’s mind, a noble crusade that makes him a hero in a cosmic war between good and evil. While scientists find cures for diseases, activists feed starving children in Africa, and firemen put their lives on the line to pull people from burning buildings, this guy says hateful things about gay people and might lose his job for it. I think we know who the real hero is. (Hint: It’s the one who likes giving butt-slaps to big, sweaty men who are half his age.) But, anyways, it’s all the fault of “a politically correct culture”. By which he means “a culture where, thankfully, people who are smarter, more reasonable and more compassionate than Coach Butt Slap have generally prevailed in getting equal rights for oppressed minorities.”

That said, I don’t think he should necessarily be fired just for saying bigoted things, unless they were so over the top as to embarrass the university (keep in mind, this is Nebraska, so they’d have to be pretty over the top). The first amendment applies to stupid bigots, too, so he has the right to say what he wants. If this is just about speech, then it’s not that big of a deal…

He has been under fire recently for testifying against an anti-discrimination ordinance that extended protections to gay and transgender people.

Wait! He was testifying to the Lincoln city council???

Brown — in a decision he said he now regrets — gave Memorial Stadium in Lincoln as his address of record. Baier said some people could have inferred he was representing the university, not just himself, when he appeared before the council. She said Brown’s continued employment creates an atmosphere hostile to gay student-athletes.

And he listed a public school building as his address???

So “speech” must be fundie for “Influencing legislation to discriminate against hated minorities while acting in one’s official, state-funded capacity.” And you gotta love how this guy is whining about “politically correct culture” when the goal he’s striving for is to make sure it remains legal to discriminate against people just because you don’t like what they do with their genitals when you’re not around.

“The question I have for you all is, like Pontius Pilate, what are you going to do with Jesus?” Brown asked. “Ultimately, if you don’t have a relationship with him, and you don’t really have a Bible-believing mentality, really, anything goes… At the end of the day it matters what God thinks most.”

The city fucking council has no fucking business asking what fucking Jesus Haploid Christ thinks about fucking anything. And apparently “God” is fundie for “I”.

Oh, and if I were Pontius Pilate, I would let Jesus go, because I oppose the death penalty and support free speech. But beyond that, fuck ‘im.

As for the “anything goes” horseshit, I can’t help but notice that the people at Penn State (including JoePa himself) were Christian too. And they looked the other way when a coach raped a boy in the locker room. Or is “teh gay” okay when it’s in the locker room, Coach Butt Slap?

It was just six months ago that Brown earned national acclaim for leading a prayer for healing at midfield before the Cornhuskers’ game at scandal-torn Penn State.

I fucking hate this shit, and it goes right back to my earlier point about how people lionize their own petty, futile actions. Let’s set aside for a moment that both Nebraska and Penn State are public schools and Coach Butt Slap is a public employee, making this prayer completely unconstitutional.  This guy earned national acclaim for doing nothing. Prayer doesn’t accomplish shit. It won’t bring justice for the victims. It won’t erase the deep psychological scars they’ve received because a bunch of Christians looked the other way. It won’t do anything to prevent future predators from harming kids. In fact, the mentality of “Talking to my invisible friend solves problems” is part of why problems persist.

All his prayer accomplished was to convince a bunch of people who have done nothing (including himself) that they’re so special and contributed so much. It’s childish bullshit. The only actual good that might have come of it was to help quell some of the psychological turmoil that the Penn State players were certainly experiencing. The players were not responsible and were mostly powerless to do anything. Speaking of which…

“Why don’t you ask me why I hired him?” [Head Coach Bo] Pelini said. “I hired him because he’s a good football coach. He’s trustworthy. He has a lot of integrity. I hired him because I believe in him as a football coach and a guy who has positive impact on kids.”

Pelini said he knows Brown injects religion into his relationships with his players and none have complained.

None of them complained? What a fucking shock. If none of the mostly helpless players complained about the man who holds their futures in his hands proselytizing to them while on his government paid job, then it must be the case that Nebraska’s football team is 100% Christian. Not a Jew, Muslim, atheist or Scientologist among them.

This is analogous to the CEO who sexually harasses and intimidates female underlings whose livelihoods depend on keeping their job, and then points to a lack of complaints as evidence that no one has a problem with it. “Well, no one complains that I refer to promotions as ‘blowjob incentivization’, so there must be no objection to it.” A player from a minority religion who doesn’t want to hear Jesus bullshit at his publicly funded place of education (which is entirely his right per the Establishment Clause and the 14th amendment) would be scared to speak up, given that the coaches could yank his scholarship or turn the other players against him on a whim. Pelini is being ignorant and/or disingenuous.

Brown acknowledges that he uses his position as a platform for his ministry. He sprinkles in football metaphors during his many speaking engagements and sometimes references the players he’s coached.

He said the risk of losing his job pales in comparison to the price others have paid for standing up for their beliefs. Christians throughout the world, he pointed out, have been murdered because of their faith.

So have atheists. The difference between me and him, though, is that I don’t use it as an excuse to prevent anti-discrimination laws from passing. The anti-discrimination laws also protect Christians. I think that’s great. They should be protected from discrimination. So should Muslims, Jews, atheists, blacks, women, Hispanics, the handicapped, immigrants, and, yes, gays. (But not Longhorns fans. Fuck them.)

“The same thing that was a sin 2,000 years ago is a sin today,” Brown said. “The thing that was right 2,000 years ago is right today.”

There’s actually no Bible verse in the New Testament that condemns homosexuality in general. There’s the beginning of Romans, where pagan orgies involving homosexuality are condemned. And there are verses (such as 1 Corinthians 6:9) that condemn those described as “µαλακός” or “ἀρσενοκοίτης”, but these don’t constitute unambiguous condemnations of homosexuality either. Mαλακός is sometimes translated as “effeminite” or “homosexual offenders” in the Bible, but it really just means “soft”. Aristotle used it to refer to cephalopods (squids and octopuses, not nautiluses, according to the biology of the time) because they were all soft parts (it could be translated as “softies” in Aristotle’s biological works), and elsewhere in the Bible it’s used to describe soft linens. The only place it means “gay” according to translators is when it occurs all by itself in a Pauline epistle. Not very convincing. As for ἀρσενοκοίτης, it’s an agglutination of the words for “man” and “bed”. While it definitely seems to have possible homosexual connotations it could just as easily mean male prostitutes. Paul is the only Greek author to use the word as far as I know–maybe it’s just a Pauline neologism, and given that it’s offered with no context, who the hell knows what it means.

The Old Testament does unambiguously call homosexuality a sin (an “abomination”, using the same Hebrew word to describe eating shrimp, which is deceptively translated as “unclean” in this case). In fact, homosexuality is one of numerous OT sins that receive the death penalty. Of course, absolutely nobody follows OT law by the letter any more (not even Hassidic Jews), and a Christian who eats bacon and wears mixed fabrics and doesn’t kill his teenage son for being a disobedient drunk has no business referring to the OT as absolute, literal truth that must be followed to the letter.

So, long story short–Coach Butt Slap needs a few lessons in history, hermeneutics and Biblical exegesis.

“The scriptures teach that blacks were created by God, that women were created by God, but that homosexuals … that is not what God had in mind at all,” Brown said.

So, then, who did create them? Taylor Lautner?  The Marquis de Sade? Aristophanes in Plato’s Symposium? Flaminicus, the Roman god of sparkle?

Brown said his words should not be interpreted as an attack on homosexuals.

So if I argued that the law shouldn’t prohibit discrimination against Christian assholes, you wouldn’t see that as an attack?

“I have simply said that based on the Bible, homosexuality, the lifestyle of homosexuality, is a sin,” he said. “That has created a flame within itself. But I’ve decided I’m not going to be afraid of people calling me a bigot or a homophobic [sic] or narrow-minded out of a simple, gentle, compassionate expression of the truth of God’s word. I’m not going to be bought off by that.”

Okay. According to Coach Butt Slap, the following is a “simple, gentle, compassionate expression of the truth of God’s word”: It’s okay to discriminate against someone if they’re gay. In other words, “simple” means “bigoted”, “gentle” means “homophobic”, and “compassionate” means “narrow-minded” in fundie speak. Of course he’s not afraid of being called those things–they’re exactly what he means.

Worst of all, Coach Butt Slap isn’t even the most hideous, repugnant thing in the article:

Brown has been an assistant at Nebraska under three head coaches, starting with Tom Osborne in 1987. He was let go when Bill Callahan replaced Frank Solich in 2004. Bo Pelini, who took over for Callahan in 2008, rehired Brown.

Fuck you, Callahan, you worthless nut-juggling butt-viking! You’re worse than Coach Butt Slap! You’re worse than Hitler! You’re worse than Butt Slap Hitler! No human being could ever sink lower in my estimation than your opprobrious and incompetent ass…

At a time when Tim Tebow‘s faith has been the subject of admiration and ridicule, there are those who like the fearlessness Brown shows going against the grain of what they say is a culture out to marginalize religion and unwilling to define right and wrong.

I stand corrected.