P ↔ ~P

Even religious people think religion sucks. That’s why we get goofball Christians declaring things like “I Hate Religion, but I Love Jesus.” While to any sensible human being this is like saying, “I hate cheese, but I love cheddar,” as if cheddar ain’t a fucking cheese, many Christians take this route to evangelism because even they realize that religion stands for everything backwards, boring, oppressive, invasive, ignorant, stodgy, sanctimonious, outdated, and hypocritical that the human animal has ever devised. They sell a “relationship with Jesus Christ” which, in substance, is identical to what I listed above, but which they’ve slapped a different label on. Well sorry, guys, but covering up the label on that can of expired Vienna sausages won’t turn them into big juicy Bratwursts on the grill. (Does that make you horny, baby?)

This is just the kind of stupidity that would appeal to a nincompoop like Victoria Jackson. (I promise my four readers this won’t turn into the All Victoria All the Time Blog. I just couldn’t resist going back to that bottomless well of dumbness one more time.)

Is Jesus different than “Religion”? (22 million views) Yes.

No.

And who cares if it got 22 million views? It’s probably just 20 million idiots and 2 million assholes like me who make fun of it.

Like I’ve always said, since learning it at Florida Bible College in 1976, the word “religion,” “re-li-gio” in the original Greek the New Testament was written in, means “to bind back” to God – in other words, “good works” for salvation.

Okay. First off, “religion” is from the Latin, not Greek. The Latin word “religio” does not occur in the New Testament. The word for religion in the New Testament is Θρησκεία, or sometimes δεισιδαιμονία.  Florida Bible College sure cranks out some excellent scholars, don’t it?

The Bible teaches that we could never be good enough to be with God, “our righteousness is as filthy rags.”

And who chose to create us that way? Man, God is such a dickhole. Make us imperfect, and then constantly insult us and threaten us with eternal damnation for being that way.

That’s why God became a man, Jesus, died, was buried and rose from the dead to pay for our sins.

So here’s god’s reasoning: “Huh. I’m not happy with the way I made humans. Therefore, I must become one of them and kill myself. That should fix the problem.”

And, Victoria, would you mind explaining how any of this is NOT religion? Sounds just like fucking religion to me.

That is called “the gospel,” or “good news.” Ephesians 2:8,9, “For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast.”

That is called “the bullshit”. The only reason we even need to be “saved” is because God is an incompetent creator with a childish temper and a pathological need for affirmation from his underlings. It’s not a gift. It’s extortion.

This young guy, Jeff Bethke is telling the good news at FORTHEKING.TV Check it out! Praise the Lord! I’ve been praying for revival in our country and leaders to rise up and point us to Christ. My prayer is being answered.

Victoria, do you even understand what Mr. Bethke was saying? How does anything in this maundering mini-article relate to the “I hate religion, but love Jesus” line of bullshit it’s supposed to be discussing? Can you not even directly address a topic requiring at least a modicum of mental effort without losing track of your thoughts in the space of a mere three paragraphs?

Not that it matters. You’d have to be pretty dumb to think that a “personal relationship with Jesus Christ” isn’t just religion in a new package. Nothing any of these superstitious God-humpers can say will change that.

Advertisements

Incompetent and Malicious

The saying goes, “Don’t assume malice when incompetence will suffice.” But there are times when both apply, and Victoria Jackson is the paragon of what happens when you marry stupidity and hatred. Which is exactly why I chose to check in on her blog. Let’s see what she has to say…

At the gym today, I plugged my ear phones into the state-of-the-art-Elliptical machine and the only news channel out of the 23 TV’s hanging from the ceiling, was CNN. So, I watched the enemy. It’s fun to see how they distort things, to watch their blatant propaganda.

It’s also, fun to, put commas-and-hyphens where, they don’t belong.,-

I’m sure some CNNies don’t know they are propagandists. They were the kids in high school who copied the captain of the cheerleader’s hairdo without asking questions. 12″ beehive. 12″ beehive. Side bangs in your eye. Side bangs in your eye. No questions asked. They are pod people. They have no soul, so they copy whatever they believe is the “in” thing. Some of the CNNies know they are brainwashing the ignorant masses.

This is totally unrelated: Saturday Night Live is the most overrated and unfunny show on television, and comedians who join the cast do it solely because they think it’s a cool show that the good comedians do. And they think that if they go on it they’ll be stars, but most SNL alumni just become hacks.

That has nothing to do with Victoria Jackson’s pathetic tenure on SNL and her subsequent irrelevance in the world of comedy. She totally has a soul and shit.

Suddenly, the gym CNN is blasting a story of how a homosexual man is helping other homosexuals adopt children. He speaks about the personal, passionate sacrifice of his time for this cause as if he were Mother Theresa. I’m appalled. Homosexuals-adopting-children is child abuse. No, it’s pedophilia and sexual molestation. Teaching a young mind, a clean slate, an innocent soul that homosexuality is a natural, normal and moral lifestyle is evil. How is gay adoption different from the recently jailed Penn State Jerry Sandusky, child molester case?

…I suspect that this is one of those questions that you aren’t really expecting an answer for.

To top it all off, CNN called the segment, “Heroes!” CNN said if you want to submit someone as a hero, go to Heroes.com.  I think Benjamin Smith risking his life as a Navy Seal in Iraq is a hero, or my husband the cop, risking his life every day for 30 years to catch bad guys is a hero, not a gay man making out with his “partner” in front of his poor, adopted foster child, who is held hostage and forced to watch the pornography.

The homophobe’s vision of gay life is much kinkier than the actual thing. That says more about the homophobe than it does about the homosexual. In Victoria Jackson’s mind, a gay couple suck each other off in the living room while their kids watch Sesame Street. Her mind is much dirtier than anything going on in gay homes.

With all the TV shows, Modern Family, Glee, etc., and today’s Huff Po video of straight guys kissing at Chick Fil A “to make a statement,” I’m getting really tired of the topic. And then, my husband tells me an Army Brigadiere General brought her wife to her promotion ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery! What?! A wife can’t have a wife?! Who’s the insane person here? Is this a Twilight Zone episode?

I can’t tell if that’s a question or an exclamation?! I’m also pretty sure you misspelled “brigadier”?!

As for who’s the insane person here, I’m pretty sure it’s the hateful bitch who calls people “Twilight Zone” simply because they’re living a lifestyle different from her own. On the right wing that’s pretty much all it takes to be “insane”–just be different than what the person flapping his/her jaw is used to.

Seriously?! So, there was a parade with transvestites, and men in leather straps holding giant, rubber, anatomically correct genitals as props, swishing next to our uniformed military out in the street?!

Ummm… So now we know what Victoria Jackson jills off to in her free time… I wish I’d never known that. Seriously?!

And THEN… the Democratic Party announces, “DEMOCRATIC PLATFORM SUPPORTS SAME-SEX MARRIAGE”  Why isn’t anyone freaking out?

If you had even an ounce of self-awareness, I’d think that was an attempt at humor.

I wish I could forget about the social issues and focus only on the economic issues. I try. But, it’s impossible. Every issue comes down to what you believe is right and wrong.

This is a relatively new refrain from the Republican alternate universe, and it’s revealing. It’s becoming obvious that the real power brokers in the Republican party (i.e. those who have the money) are growing increasingly uncomfortable with the “movement conservatism” base that the party has been riding since Nixon’s southern strategy. The petty-minded, bible-babbling, homophobic, creationist bigots that have been this party’s bread and butter for 4 decades, but it comes with a cost. The party’s image has suffered, and people often perceive them as backwards, ignorant, out of touch, and just plain creepy.

This creates a dilemma–how do you keep the dumbfuck rubes on your side while not alienating those who don’t believe that buttsex will usher in the Apocalypse (by which I mean, normal human beings)? The answer they seem to have settled on is to claim that they don’t really care about abortion and homosexuality, and would rather just focus on “economic issues” (i.e. making the rich richer), but it keeps getting forced on them. This is a totally disingenuous move on their part, but I also take it as a positive sign. My guess is that the Republican power brokers really would like to move away from prayer in schools, homophobia, anti-evolutionism, anti-abortionism, etc. That’s a good thing. But I don’t know if they can ever fully abandon these issues, seeing as they’ve whipped up their base to the point where they think the very fate of the world depends on keeping schlongs out of buttholes and teaching children that reading the Bible is a science experiment.

Jane Lynch just announced publicly, “F**K Chick Fil-A!” I publicly stood up for Chick-Fil-A, and I don’t use the F word.  Jane believes her morals are just and loving. I believe my morals are just and loving.  We can’t both be right.

Fuck no, you can’t.

Jane’s the one who’s right, by the way.

The lines are clearly drawn. Which side are you on? Or, are you one of those people who say nothing and sit on the fence, the “moderate,” the lukewarm? Jesus said in Rev. 3:15, “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I vomit you out of My mouth.” Pastors who preach nothing.  People who won’t put a sign in their yard, or a bumper sticker on their car. Christians who don’t vote.

I gotta admit, the image of Jesus vomiting is a rather bizarre choice for inspiring religious extremism. I bet Jesus’ puke smells like fish.

A guy on my airplane last week wore a T shirt that said, “One Nation…under surveillance.” Bravo for speaking up.

Pretty sure he was talking about the Patriot Act, honey. But you just keep thinking everything is about fags.

Just like the fable, The Emperor’s New Clothes, I feel like everyone is lining the street, bowing to the Emperor and telling him, “You are our great leader! You have saved our economy! And you are right, “Christian” Emperor, homosexuality is normal!”

If you keep fingering yourself over naked gay guys I’m gonna pull a Jesus and barf all over my keyboard.

I say, “He hates America. We are in an economic crises he has purposefully made worse and homosexuality is not normal.”

Well, you do say a lot of really stupid shit.

The people look at me with disdain, “Hush! You are hateful!”

I would never tell you to hush.  Where would I find my entertainment if you stopped flapping your dumb, hateful jaw?

“But he’s not a Christian, he’s a Communist! It’s so obvious! …’spread the wealth,’ and, the Bible says homosexuality is a sin.”

Okay, you’re just randomly stringing together non-thoughts at this point. Is your blog entry actually going anywhere?

The people and CNN spit on me and walk away. I see a few faces across the street with spit on their faces. I am not alone.

Oh, poor wittle you.

The lines are clearly drawn now:

Obama and his czars hold up Tyranny.

Romney/Ryan shout, “Liberty!”

Obama and his Greenies say, “Wind/solar.”

Romney/Ryan/common sense say, “Drill, baby, drill here!”

O says, “Make America a third world country.”

Romney/Ryan say, “U.S. is exceptional!”

O says, “One World Socialism.”

Romney/Ryan says, “Socialism fails every time.”

Obama and the Democrats applaud homosexuality.

Romney/Ryan shout, “Traditional Marriage!”

Obama and the Progressives bribe, “Free Stuff for all.”

Romney/Ryan affirm, “Balance the Budget.”

Obama and the Communists offer slavery to the poor.

Romney/Ryan offer opportunity to the poor.

Congratulations, you’ve somehow managed to get the platforms of both candidates entirely wrong while simultaneously regurgitating more brainless boilerplate catchphrases than should ever be together on one page in any just universe. And someone please tell the right wing nutbags that the Cold War is over already. Next thing you know they’ll be protesting the Norman invasion.

(*Biden says nothing. He was forbidden to open his mouth. He applies to Ringling Brothers for a job as a clown.)

Can’t argue with you there. I guess that in 1100 words you were bound to say something true at some point.

Can any American really be on the fence anymore?

Where does it end? Sodom and Gomorrah burnt up.

Jude 1:7 In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.

But you’re not hateful. Oh, no. There’s nothing hateful about threatening gays with fire. That’s just some good old fashioned Christian love right there.

In the end, what have we learned from Victoria Jackson’s hateful, barely coherent rant? We’ve learned that social conservatism holds a special appeal for those who have particularly addled and disconnected thought processes. An incoherent mind is much more comfortable as long as all incoming information remains familiar and unchallenging. When something comes in that disrupts the comforting status quo, it reacts with hostility. Unable to actually formulate a response on its own, it borrows from others and vomits up catchy bromides about its own familiar affiliations and hateful slanders about the perceived threats. Victoria Jackson certainly fits this bill. She knows how to repeat platitudes she’s heard from others, but little else.

It’s sad. I hate SNL, but I actually liked UHF. Although, to be honest, she’s the most bland and forgettable character in the film, so fuck her.